The Aussie Humour Thread

[Buckshot Bear]

This is pretty funny.....

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.

Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.

Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.

A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.

The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.

More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching

a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.

How else do you get a stain on your shirt?

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick..  

 

[Buckshot Bear]

Loved playing with one of these in Geography class 50 years ago -

 

[Alpo]

I've been thinking about beetroot. The term, not the item.

 

Do y'all eat turnips? Rutabagas? Carrots? Do you call them turniproot, rutabaga root or carrot root?

 

It just seems like if you're going to call one a root you should call all of them a root.

[Sedalia Dave]

[John Kloehr]

On 9/12/2023 at 7:44 AM, Alpo said:

I've been thinking about beetroot. The term, not the item.

 

Do y'all eat turnips? Rutabagas? Carrots? Do you call them turniproot, rutabaga root or carrot root?

 

It just seems like if you're going to call one a root you should call all of them a root.

None of the others are beetroot, they don't taste like beetroot, they don't stain like beetroot, just not the same. Ginger, garlic, onions, none of them are beetroot either.

[Buckshot Bear]

On 9/12/2023 at 9:44 PM, Alpo said:

I've been thinking about beetroot. The term, not the item.

 

Do y'all eat turnips? Rutabagas? Carrots? Do you call them turniproot, rutabaga root or carrot root?

 

It just seems like if you're going to call one a root you should call all of them a root.

 

Rutabagas? Never heard of that before....Googled....that's called a Swede down here and no I've never eaten one.

[Buckshot Bear]

 

[Rip Snorter]

Just now, Buckshot Bear said:

 

Malt vinegar? Or is that just U.K.?

[Buckshot Bear]

2 minutes ago, Rip Snorter said:

Malt vinegar? Or is that just U.K.?

 

Most shop counters will have malt vinegar and white vinegar and ask you if you want vinegar and what one you want.

[Alpo]

7 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

Rutabagas? Never heard of that before....Googled....that's called a Swede down here and no I've never eaten one.

My Daddy loved 'em. Mama made them all the time. Never did succeed in getting me to eat one though.

 

But I figure, like brussel sprouts and birds nest soup, somebody must eat them, or they wouldn't still claim they were food.

[Buckshot Bear]

The Aussie Scone

 

[Buckshot Bear]

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

9 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

Most shop counters will have malt vinegar and white vinegar and ask you if you want vinegar and what one you want.

I prefer malt vinegar for the fish only.

 

Most Americans would insist on tartar sauce and ketchup.

[Buckshot Bear]

1 minute ago, Smuteye John SASS#24774 said:

I prefer malt vinegar for the fish only.

 

Most Americans would insist on tartar sauce and ketchup.

 

Tarter sauce for the fish is popular.....tomato (ketchup) sauce for Fish & Chips chips.....NO!!!!!!!!

[Buckshot Bear]

 

 

Edited September 13, 2023 by Buckshot Bear

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

12 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

The Aussie Scone

 

Southern biscuits and gravy.

 

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

Or you can just put some sausage, cheese and a fried egg on it.

 

 

EDIT

 

Great! Now I'm hungry!

Edited September 13, 2023 by Smuteye John SASS#24774

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

13 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

Tarter sauce for the fish is popular.....tomato (ketchup) sauce for Fish & Chips chips.....NO!!!!!!!!

Many Americans can't eat fries (chips) without the stuff.

 

Personally, I'm not a fan.

[Rip Snorter]

Aussie Loaded Burger, or at least similar. https://www.curiouscuisiniere.com/aussie-burger/

I cannot / will not do the Beetroot.

[Alpo]

56 minutes ago, Smuteye John SASS#24774 said:

Southern biscuits and gravy.

 

Them look like whop biscuits to me. And cheap ones at that - Piggly wiggly brand, maybe.

[John Kloehr]

1 hour ago, Alpo said:

... like brussel sprouts...

Halved, quick hot fry in olive oil with cubed parsnip (also not in the class of beetroot), garlic, and black pepper. Yummy! A wonderful side with a nice beef medallion and mashed potatoes.

 

Now I'm hungry too.

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

22 minutes ago, John Kloehr said:

Halved, quick hot fry in olive oil with cubed parsnip (also not in the class of beetroot), garlic, and black pepper. Yummy! A wonderful side with a nice beef medallion and mashed potatoes.

 

Now I'm hungry too.

Sounds good!

 

I like brussel sprouts but they don't like me.

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

31 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Them look like whop biscuits to me. And cheap ones at that - Piggly wiggly brand, maybe.

There wasn't a good pic of a homemade biscuit with white sausage gravy on it handy.

 

Personally, I was thinking it was a Pillsbury biscuit in a tube or a store brand knock off.  Too white to be a Butter Me Not but looks about the same.

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

33 minutes ago, John Kloehr said:

Halved, quick hot fry in olive oil with cubed parsnip (also not in the class of beetroot), garlic, and black pepper. Yummy! A wonderful side with a nice beef medallion and mashed potatoes.

 

Now I'm hungry too.

I went and sliced up a Beefsteak tomato and made a couple tomato sandwiches after I posted the biscuit pics.

[Sedalia Dave]

On 9/12/2023 at 6:44 AM, Alpo said:

I've been thinking about beetroot. The term, not the item.

 

Do y'all eat turnips? Rutabagas? Carrots? Do you call them turniproot, rutabaga root or carrot root?

 

It just seems like if you're going to call one a root you should call all of them a root.

 

Other cultivars of the same species at Beet Root include the sugar beet, the leaf vegetable known as chard or spinach beet, and mangelwurzel, which is a fodder crop. 

[Blackwater 53393]

3 hours ago, John Kloehr said:

None of the others are beetroot, they don't taste like beetroot, they don't stain like beetroot, just not the same. Ginger, garlic, onions, none of them are beetroot either.

THANK THE GOOD LORD!!!

[Buckshot Bear]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

Seems like the clever part of that would be not getting the tail of the coat caught in the spokes of the rear tire.

 

Excuse me. Rear tyre.

[Blackwater 53393]

52 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Seems like the clever part of that would be not getting the tail of the coat caught in the spokes of the rear tire.

 

Excuse me. Rear tyre.

Yeah!  The shooting part ain’t that hard.

 

Wouldn’t want to try it with a 700 Nitro though! 

[Chickasaw Bill SASS #70001]

shoot an scoot 

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

Give him a sandwich and call him a koala!

 

Eats shoots and leaves!

[Buckshot Bear]

 

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

9 hours ago, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said:

Give him a sandwich and call him a koala!

 

Eats shoots and leaves!

Panda?