It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A Finnish general was asked, “If war broke out between Russia and NATO, would Finland be able to capture St. Petersburg?”  He replied, “The Poles would get there first.”

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Sedalia Dave]

In 1956, photographers working in their lab on board USS Bennington (CV-20) noticed that the 55-gallon drum of alcohol used to dry film was lower than it should have been. When they tried to move the drum, they found it had become attached to the floor. They then discovered that sailors had drilled a hole from below and installed a spigot to help themselves to the drum's contents.

[Alpo]

[Ozark Huckleberry]

21 minutes ago, Alpo said:

This looks like the section of rail line in California (near LA, IIRC) that was in the news a few years back.

 

The trains were forced to go slow enough that looters were jumping onto the train, breaking into the cars, and throwing the contents off the train. Then they rummaged through the stuff after the train was gone.

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

Reading the news reminds me of my favorite HL Mencken quote (circa 1925):

“Here, more than anywhere else that I know of or have heard of, the daily panorama of human existence, of private and communal folly – the unending procession of governmental extortions and chicaneries, of commercial brigandages and throat-slittings, of theological buffooneries, or aesthetic ribaldries, of legal swindles and harlotries, of miscellaneous rogueries, villainies, imbecilities, grotesqueries, and extravagances – is so inordinately gross and preposterous, so perfectly brought up to the highest conceivable amperage, so steadily enriched with an almost fabulous daring and originality, that only the man who was born with a petrified diaphragm can fail to laugh himself to sleep every night, and to awake every morning with all the eager, unflagging expectation of a Sunday-school superintendent touring the Paris peep-shows.”

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

There's a bloke driving down a country road in his truck , when it coughs and splutters then the engine dies. He pulls over to the side near a paddock. He climbs out and lifts the bonnet and is staring at the engine when a voice behind him says " It's the injector pump".

He spins around to see who was there.

Not a soul to be seen except for two draught horses watching from the paddock.

He thinks he has been hearing things , when one of the horses says " I told you , it's the

injector pump".

Needless to say he is flabbergasted and says to the horse " How do you know that , and , and how are you speaking to me".

Horse says " Don't worry about that. Just walk into town, it's about two kilometers in that direction and see Bob the mechanic at the servo and tell him you need a seal kit for a 1979 model Acco diesel injector pump."

The bloke is stunned but starts off towards town.

He arrives at the servo and asks for Bob the mechanic.

Bob comes out and says" How can I help you?".

Bloke says " I've broken down just outside of town and I've been told that I need a seal kit for a 1979 Acco diesel injector pump. "

Bob says " Who told you that ?"

Bloke looks a bit sheepish and eventually told Bob it was a horse in a paddock.

Much to his surprise , Bob said "And just what colour was this horse."

Bloke said " It was a big grey draught horse".

Bob said " Well that's alright then.

Bloke says " What do you mean , that's alright then ?".

Bob says " Had you told me it was the brown draught horse , I wouldn't have believed it because he knows bugger all about diesels.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A German POW bragged to everyone that Panzers were so much better than Sherman tanks that one Panzer could fight off four Sherman tanks.

Eventually, one of the guards asked, “if each Panzer is worth four Sherman tanks, how come you are in an American POW camp instead of me being in a German camp?”

The reply came at once: “Because everywhere I turned, there were five of the verdamnt things!”

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Eyesa Horg]

24 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

The "mung bean" sounds delicious 

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Alpo]

Big bills. Reminds me of a Mary Tyler Moore show episode.

 

Somebody was in the newsroom and there was a chance to buy into some stock, but needed $1,000 buy in. And Ted pulls out his wallet and peels out two $500 bills.

 

Mary kind of whispers to Murray, "why does Ted carry $500 bills?", and Murray tells her to watch. "Hey Ted, you got that $20 you owe me?", and Ted says, "Sorry Mur, all I have are $500 bills. Do you have change?"

 

At the end of the episode Murray again asks Ted for the $20, and again Ted tells him that all he has are 500s, "do you have change?"

 

And Murray tells him, "yes I do. I stopped by the bank on the way to work". And he brings a coin sack up out of his desk drawer and plops it down on the desktop and starts counting it out. In nickels. "5, 10, 15, 20, 25..."

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A day late for this but....

 

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Stolen…..

 

I grew up in a farming community in Scotland, way off the beaten path. It was a long walk to catch the bus to go to town. So, as a teenager who planned to sow his oats, I asked my dad if I could borrow the car to go to Biggar one Friday night. I had shoulder length hair and my dad, ex-military, was not fond of it. "Get a haircut you hells angel reject", he would affectionately say. I thought long and hard one Friday night about how I could give an answer to his strict stance. I just felt that if I cut my hair there was a strong possibility I could lose my strength like Samson. "Well, Jesus had long hair", I replied to his anticipated statement. Gotcha, I thought. His response was, "Yes, and Jesus walked everywhere he went".

[Alpo]