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Things I'm Not Allowed To Do.

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29 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

Holy Crap that’s a long list. 
My favorite: 

“The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.” :lol:

13 years ago I was working for an international company. An Irish engineer had come to my cubicle to raise a little hell about some spreadsheets I developed and he walked away mad (because I was right and he was wrong).

A lady engineer who I was friends with came to my cubicle moments later and said “What was that all about?”

I said “Oh, he’s always after me Lucky Charms.”

She laughed so loud and so hard everyone in our sea of cubicles could hear. 
I love to hear a woman laugh. :lol:
Anyway, by the end of the day everyone heard about my wise crack, including the Irish engineer. It took me about a year to get him to talk to me again. 

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Looking at Skippy:


#55 & 56 - officers are allowed to order enlisted men to shine the officer's shoes?


#64 - what is a BAQ? I know BOQ and BEQ, but BA?


#101 - you mean like this?




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36 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Looking at Skippy:


#55 & 56 - officers are allowed to order enlisted men to shine the officer's shoes?


#64 - what is a BAQ? I know BOQ and BEQ, but BA?


#101 - you mean like this?





BAQ Military Abbreviation

What is BAQ meaning in Military?
2 meanings of BAQ abbreviation related to Military:

BAQ Military Abbreviation
Basic Allowance for Quarters
Basic Aircraft Qualification
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Skippy is not allowed to offer the Battalion CO "seven camels and three chickens for his wife." He will reply he needs eight camels and has no desire for any damn chickens.



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When dealing with the police remember:


1. No asking me directions while I'm pointing a shotgun at a suspect.

2. No following me at 100 mph just to see where I'm going.

3. No touching me. Ever.

4. No asking if I've ever killed anyone.

5. No asking to touch my gun.

6. No interrupting my meal break to ask for directions or tell me about a ticket you got 20 years ago.

7. No pointing at me and tell your misbehaving child I'm gonna arrest him/her

8. No asking if I remember you from handling your bicycle theft 5 years ago.

9. No reminding me about police discretion when I tell you that you're getting a ticket. I know what it is. Fight it or pay it.

10. No asking if I can tell you who is the registered owner of a certain license plate or address. I doesn't matter if they are doin'your wife, I still can't tell you who they are.

11. No whiney little requests after I arrest you. No, you can't have a cigarrette, or a drink, we're not stopping to pick up your coat, nor will we take a potty break. You are going to jail , not a full-service hotel.

12. No crying to me when I empty a can of OC into the back seat with you. If you try to kick out the back windows of my car, I'm saving you a felony charge of destruction of PD property.

13. No lying about it. If I see you do it, You won't win.

14. No requests to run your name just so you can know if you have any warrants. Take a moment to think about what is going to happen if I find one. If you still can't figure out what I'm talking about and still want me to do it, please familiarize yourself with rules 11 and 12 above before we continue.

15. No telling me what the law is. I know. You should, but obviously don't.

16. No telling me you pay my salary. Let's assume for a moment that you do pay cops' salary. Well, I pay taxes too, so I pay cops' salary, too. So let's just say that this stop is on me.

17. No puking into my defroster

18. No spitting unless you want your head in a bag.

19. No craping in your pants in my car.

20. No Pissing in your pants in my car.

21. No telling me you know the mayor / sheriff / governor, president., etc.

22. No telling me it's my fault your life is ruined. You f*cked it up all by yourself.

23. No telling me you know the Chief personally. So do I, and he expects me to do my job.

24. No telling me you know a cop named "Jim' who works downtown.

25. No calling and complaining about the length of your neighbors grass.

26. No pissing people off. I am not your personal protection service. Stop pissing people off.

27. No babysitting. At no point in time did it ever become my job to raise your children, I have enough problems raising my wiener dog thank you very much.

28. No approaching me on a traffic stop and asking to run my siren. Do I come to your office and ask to play with stuff?

29. No donut jokes

30. No telling your kids I will take them to jail. Say it, and I may take YOU to jail.

31. No asking for gas money. Get a job.

32. No groupies. Well, wait a minute...

33. No Wannabes.

34. No coffee and donuts jokes. However, cappuccino and croissants are acceptable.

35. No asking if you can test positive for a drug by just being around it.

36. No whining about me violating your probation. You did that all by yourself.

37. No telling the person on the phone, "There's a cop here and he's going to shoot me."

38. No whining

39. No crying

40. No cheek slappers in my patrol car.

41. No whining about my spotlamp in your mirrors

42. No whining about my flashlight in your eyes

43. No arguing. Period. Just sign the friggin' ticket and shut the xxxx up.

44. No looking at my radar reading. Tough noogies, you'll just have to trust me.

45. No calling the judge names just because you know my video recorder is on.

46. No flashing my video recorder. Well...wait a minute....

47) If you're doing 100mph in a 70mph zone don't ask why I pulled you over

48 When I'm taking u to jail dont tell me about how ur going to be an officer one day.

49) When I walk in the room, don't say "I DIDN'T DO IT" cause you probably did at one time.

50) Don't insult my intelligence with obvious lies or anything else. I wasn't born yesterday.

51. No mistaking my kindness for weakness.

52. No asking to go shopping on a restricted license

53. No begging for a break. Beg, and you get the whole can.

54. No hurting children. That will make you my enemy and that is dangerous.

55. No telling me you're an Elk, Mason, Eagle or Moose. It means nothing to me.

56. No threatening my family. Unrecoverable error.

57. No threatening to call my supervisor. He already knows I'm an ass hole.

58. No asking for an extra grope when I frisk you.

59. No asking for me to scratch an itchy spot during same frisk.

60. No complaining my hood is hot when I lay you out. I know.

61. No more asking for warnings. Automatic ticket.

62. No more asking me to wait for your friend to come and drive your car away instead of the wrecker. (It's part of the punishment).

63. No more stopping behind my traffic stop and blocking my lights.

64. No more saying you're a lawyer. Even if you were, it wouldn't matter.

65. No more saying you'll have my job for this. (yawn) and can I take a nap now.

66. No "swearing to God," when your caught dirty. because HE doesnt give a rats ass then.

67. No spelling my name wrong when you complain. Why do you think they make me wear a nametag, you friggin' idiot!

68. No running. I will still catch you and when I do, I will express my disastifaction.

69. No reaching under your seat unless you like the feel of cold gun metal in your ear.

70. No touching any weapons in your car just "to show me." You show me yours and I'll show you mine.

71. No stacking five or six cop ball caps in your rear deck.

72. No "I support cops" stickers in your window.

73. No telling me you had one beer. Nobody drinks one beer.

74. No staring at your speedometer in slackjawed disbelief when I tell you your speed.

75. No telling me your speedometer "said" something else. Speedometers don't talk.

76. No telling me your speedometer is broken. Ain't buyin' it.

77. No calling your dad (or anybody else) when I have you stopped and having him come out and bitch at me for stopping you.

78. No answering the above call and coming out to my stop, getting out of your car, storming over towards my patrol car, and crying "that's my son!!". I don't care. He's my stop. Go away or go to jail, and that's your only warning.

79. No comments about a "quota". Yes, it's true... three more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.

80. No telling me that I should be out chasing "real criminals". You broke the law. That makes YOU a criminal. A "real" one even.

81. No telling me you're doing your botany homework, when I catch you in a cow pasture with a bag of mushrooms.

82. No telling me I pulled you over because you're black, oriental, cuban, iranian, mexican, hindu, canadian, samoan, redneck, because you're from out of state, meeting my quota, driving a mercedes, or any other ignorant reason other than what your ignorant ass did to get your ignorant ass stopped.

83. No coming to a complete stop in the hammer lane on the interstate if I come up behind you running code 3. This will make the Policeman very angry, and he may smite you in the pocketbook if he gets a Code 4 ( no further assistance needed) transmission over the radio, and you are still in sight.

84. No interrupting me if I'm eating to come up to ask me if I know your brother/sister/friend/whoever that works for a small county agency on the other side of the state. Guess what? We all don't know each other! Now go away!

85. No complaining about me speeding on the way to jail. Do you really want to sit in the back of my squad all night? I have more people to arrest.

86. No forgetting who has the right of way at four way stop intersections. We really hate it when you don't go when you are supposed to, just because your scared of the police car also at the stop sign. We don't even care if you screw it up - JUST GO!

87. No ignoring my lights until you reach your driveway. Those lights mean stop - NOW!

88. No shouting out, "WE DON'T CHARGE COPS HERE. IT'S FREE!" as I stand at the head of a long line to pay for my lunch. Charge me, I'd be glad to pay for it.

89. No asking stupid questions, like if "they" can arrest/stop/detain/search you for this or that, when "they" is ME! I'm standing right in front of you! Ask if I can do it.

90. No shaking my hand. Refer back to #3.

91. No asking me "don t you have something more important to do?" I d be doing it trust me.

92. No I don t want to hear the joke about your wife running off with a Trooper, Deputy, Officer, and you thinking I was bringing her back.

93. No you don t pay my salary; the state pays my salary, with less than 1% of your tax dollars.

94. No asking how fast you are allowed to drive; there are signs for that, they say speed LIMIT.

95. No pointing out all the other violators driving by, I m currently busy with one.

96. No I don t care if the previous officer said it was OK, I m not him.

97. No I m not going to follow you so you can check your speedometer, there are people for that, and they are called mechanics.

98. No I m not going to call your, insurance company/ parole officer/ Narc that you re working for.

99. No quoting bible verses or asking if I'm Christian. Read Romans Chapter 13


101. No walking in between me and a suspect on a felony stop.

102. No asking me to take or be in a photo of you/your girlfriend or any other friggin person being handcuffed as a joke.

103. No asking why I am not chasing bank robbers when I stop you at 2 a.m.

104. No you may not use any of my equipment.

105. No you may not sit in my patrol car unless you are a child with a moronic parent that violated rule # 7

106. No you may not have a ride, this is a police car not a taxi it only takes people to jail.

107. No asking me where the best bar/strip club etc is located.

108. No asking if I have kids/married etc., and saying you do, to try to garner sympathy or a break for your own stupidity.

109. No asking me to follow you home after I just cited you for driving while license suspended, get out and walk.

110. No asking me if you can use my cell phone, ain't gonna happen.

111. No saying, "Oh I thought you were officer so and so." to try and get out of your ticket that you are now definitely getting.

112. No asking,"If you are all in here who's out there, or, nows the time to speed.

113. No walking right up and plopping down at my table while I'm eating. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

114. No saying,"You're a cop let me ask you a question." I know I'm a cop and you just used up your question.

115. OH Your state police you can't help me. Is there a jurisdiction in the state bigger than state?

116 No driving by and accident and asking if anyone was killed.

117. No I don't need your help in a shoot out

118 No driving by an accident and asking is there was a bad accident. No this car just fell off the flatbed on the way to the wrecking yard!

119 No asking if anyone was hurt and how bad, the ambulance has someone on a stretcher and putting then in the ambulance to take him home, all the cabs were busy

120 Don't tell me that you HAVE to go down this road to go home, it's closed!

121. No a doctors APPOINTMENT does not constitute a medical emergency, emergencies aren't scheduled, leave earlier next time.

122. no telling me about the knee surgery 10 years ago, walk the damn line.

123. No telling me what year of high school you dropped out, the alphabet was elementary school.

124. No asking me to handcuff you, if I do it is not going to be "pleasurable"...

125. No I don't hate you/think you're a horrible person sit back there and sober up.

126. No asking to borrow my handcuffs

127. No this is not a joke.....no I am not a stripper here for your party... (yes I am getting pissed now)

128. No asking if I ever had to pull my gun

129. No there is no other way we can take care of this.

130. No, Don't tell me you can't do it sober.

131. No, Don't tell me that if I give you a break you'll never do it again. I don't give breaks.

132. No I don't care about your gun collection or how good you shoot.

133. No, Don't ask me what kind of gun we carry, you can see it, that's good enough.

134. No I don't care that your car is better/faster/prettier, etc. than my patrol car.

135. No you didn't have just two beers, if you had we wouldn't be talking right now.

136. No handing me your military ID when I ask for your license

137. No crying on traffic stops it makes me have to talk louder while writing your ticket.

138. No, I can not "round down" the PBT result.. (One of my most favorite drunks...) Who rounds down anyway...

139. No I am not going to ride you to save my police horse. (this particular suspect suffered a bad fall very shortly after this comment)

140. No I don't have to be wearing my hat to write you a ticket.

141. No, I will not come over to your house to "scare" your kid. Its called parenting...

142. No I can't give you a print out from my radar (does anyones do that?)

143. No you can't get professional courtesy, your profession isn't POLICE (You know the ones I'm talking about they have little gold badges too)

144. No I don't have a heart or feelings.

145. No I don't care if your parents/wife/husband is going to divorce or kill you because you got arrested/cited.

146. No, this really is not the end of the world....again with the crying...

147. No telling me how you can't afford the ticket, if that's the case you can't afford to speed.

148. No I'm not going to just shoot you.

149. No telling your kids I'm going to take you to jail to make your kids cry. It's a speeding ticket lady grow up.

150. No I'm not going to just listen, I said give me your license and insurance card.

151. No I'm not in a bad mood, we're the police, we write tickets

152. No telling me you already gave a breath test because you blew into my PBT

153. No, Im not doing this because your male/black/white/hispanic/asian/ol/young/one legged or blind, its because you broke the law..........

154. No you don't have to step out of your car, I can pull you out the window if you like.

155. No, don't tell me that if it wasn't for my badge and gun you'd kick my ass. You had your chance five minuted ago.. now get in the car!!

156. No telling me you'll have my badge, you're fat @$$ couldn't pass the fitness test.

157. No I don't care that you make more money than I do

158. No I don't care that you are a Jaquars player/Florida player or any other friggin sports team.

159. No I don't care that I am embarrassing you, should have thought of that before you pick up the prostitute

160. No your copneighbor/cop friend isn't going to get you out of it unless his name also starts with Judge.

161. No you cant pet my dog when he is done sniffing your car for drugs...........He is the same as I am so refer to rule #3

162. No, there are NO "DO OVERS"....

163. No calling my supervisor and telling them I was rude unless you can get my tape and destroy it before he sees it.

164. No I don't care that some dog pooped in your front yard. Either pick it up or leave it there it is not a police matter.

165. No councilperson/commissioner/elected official I don't care you are a politician, it just makes me want to write you 3 citations

166. No, I really dont want to see pictures of your 26 grandchildren, maybe you can show me at the SOS when Isee you there for your retest

167. No I am not going to arrest your ex husband because he hasn't brought the kids back yet.

168. No I am not going to go get or make him give back your kids.

169. No its not ok to run the stop sign because you didnt see anythign coming ( or me sitting across the street).

170. No I dont know what happened in your neighborhood/town yesterday

171. No I was not involved in that shooting/crash/incident that all over the news

172. NO This is stopped what you did was roll.

173. No, don't tell me you pay my salary. I just might shoot you for keeping me in the poverty level

174. No absolutely under any circumstances can you....hug me.....

175. No you can't try a different sobriety test instead

176. No, you can not get my phone number....are you kidding me....

177. No telling me what you're late for it doesn't matter

178 No im not stopping you to tell you how well you were driving...Sign here press hard three copies.

179. No the other car did not force you in the ditch. i was behind you and there was no other car.

180. NO TELLING ME I've got a criminal record...can I still be a cop??

181 No telling me not to take him to jail after he just beat the hell out of you and fought with me.

182. No, You can not take a Xanax right now...

183, No you may not call some one to come pick your drunk butt up. Its a law you can not drive after you have had a fifth of vodka

184.No that will not substitute for a BAC test, but thanks for the offer

185. No calling and asking for me personally from now on to handle every problem you have because I was the one that came that one time. There are lots of us and we all do the same thing.

186. No you cannot have your vehicle back now that ive seized it on a drug bust.

187. No mam i do not feel electricity running thru my body while im standing in your house nor do i hear strange noises in your house....

188. No calling me about a suspicious person walking down the road, walking isn't suspicious, lots of people do it.

189. No, you can not request a song from back there...................

190. No, I will not swing by Denny's so you can wave at your friends.............

191 No i will not stop and get you something to eat/drink/smoke

192. No. whining about the cuffs hurting or there is no room back there, the cab would have been a lot cheaper then this fine and there would have been a lot more room and no cuffs.

193. No I will not rent you my Tazer for your anniversary..

194. No I'm not broke down because I'm am pulled off the side of the road

195. No asking if I need help at a scene unless your name starts with officer

196 No, Tazer's do not KILL people....the crack people are on whey get tazed kills people...

197. No, I do not have any furry cuffs....

198. No telling me what my radar will or will not do unless you are the engineer who built it.

199 No i will not fill out a report because your neighbor drives by your house to get to hers and looks at you funny/makes funny faces at you.... Gotta love the country....

200. No asking if the pepper spray or taser hurts, here find out for yourself dumb@$$

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18 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:



I expected a longer list...

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