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I saw the reference to engineers on the meme thread but didn't want to hijack or violate the purpose. 

 

My dad was a civil engineer at IBM for 25 years.  He came home one day when I was a child and told us the latest joke he heard at work.

 

He said they were trying to figure out what type of engineer God is since obviously seeing how technical the human body is he must be an engineer.   

 

One guy said he was an electrical engineer because of the nervous system and the detail taken to create it.  Another said he was a construction engineer because of how complex the bone structure and the support it gives.   A third one piped up that God is an industrial engineer because he piped raw sewage through a recreational area(play ground).  

 

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I was mainframe hardware at IBM for just under 25 years.
Most of the off color jokes were about marketing people...
Such as them only having two interchangeable parts... mouth and rectum.

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Engineers and Mistresses

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was

better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid

foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

 

The engineer said, "I like both."

 

"Both?"

 

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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Mathematician and an engineer walk into a bar.

 

At the bar’s far end is the most gorgeous woman either had ever seen.  She gives them both a come-hither look and says, “Either of you can have me right here on the bar top.  But as you start moving this way, you can only cover half the distance between me and you with each step.”

 

The mathematician immediately throws up his hands in frustration.  “But I cant get to her!  Theoretically I could take infinite steps and and sum them to cover the whole distance, but who can take an infinite number of steps?”

 

In the meantime, the engineer is ordering a drink to take to the lady, loosening his tie, and obviously preparing for an amorous adventure.  The mathematician looks at him and continues his whine about not being able take an infinite number or steps.

 

The engineer shoots him a sideways glance and says, “All true, but I can still get close enough to make things work.”

Edited by Charlie Harley, #14153
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The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

 

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex—and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

 

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
 

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7 hours ago, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said:

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

 

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex—and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

 

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
 

I used to work at a DOE national laboratory among some freakishly brilliant minds.  One of the games they’d play on each other was called “nerd sniping”.

 

To snipe a nerd, you posit a problem, usually a puzzle of sorts, and see if the nerd bites on the challenge of solving the problem at the expense of their “real work”.  If they do bite, you succeeded with the nerd snipe.

 

It was all in fun and considered an honor to be the target of a snipe attempt.  Yes, we engineers have a weird but wonderful sense of humor.

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I learned that if you want the right thing done by an engineer you have to ask for the right thing.  They will build whatever you ask for, so be sure you know what you want before you ask.

 

Kinda like lawyers, you only get the right answer if you ask the right question.

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11 hours ago, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said:

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

 

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex—and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

 

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
 

I LOVE IT!

 

I’m an Engineer and my name is Bob!

All my nieces know to ask Uncle Bob if they want something done RIGHT!
I sometimes feel sorry for their husbands, none of whom are mechanically inclined! But not enough to pass on helping the girls out. ;)

 

 

CJ

Edited by Cactus Jack Calder
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Engineers Explained

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

 

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

  • Straighten it.
  • Ignore it.
  • Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

 

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

  • Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation 
  • Important social contacts
  • A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

  • Get it over with as soon as possible.
  • Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  • Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

  • things that need to be fixed, and
  • things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.


Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

 

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

 

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

 

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

 

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

 

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

  • Bill Gates.
  • MacGyver.
  • Larry Fink,
  • Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

 

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

 

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

  • "I won't change anything without asking you first."
  • "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
  • "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
  • "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

 

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

 

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

 

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

  • Hindenberg;
  • Space Shuttle Challenger;
  • SPANet(tm);
  • Hubble space telescope;
  • Apollo 13;
  • Titanic;
  • Ford Pinto;
  • Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

  • RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
  • REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

 

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

 

EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

  • How smart they are.
  • How many cool devices they own.
     
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If Engineers wrote recipes

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until the product reaches a dominant hue of 580-587 nm (golden brown). Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
 

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On 10/24/2021 at 7:11 PM, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said:

Engineers Explained

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

 

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

  • Straighten it.
  • Ignore it.
  • Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

 

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

  • Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation 
  • Important social contacts
  • A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

  • Get it over with as soon as possible.
  • Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  • Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

  • things that need to be fixed, and
  • things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.


Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

 

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

 

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

 

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

 

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

 

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

  • Bill Gates.
  • MacGyver.
  • Larry Fink,
  • Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

 

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

 

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

  • "I won't change anything without asking you first."
  • "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
  • "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
  • "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

 

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

 

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

 

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

  • Hindenberg;
  • Space Shuttle Challenger;
  • SPANet(tm);
  • Hubble space telescope;
  • Apollo 13;
  • Titanic;
  • Ford Pinto;
  • Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

  • RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
  • REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

 

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

 

EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

  • How smart they are.
  • How many cool devices they own.
     

Stealing this and sending it to a couple engineer friends. (and their wives):D
Regards

:FlagAm:  :FlagAm:  :FlagAm:

Gateway Kid

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