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Utah Bob #35998

Getting older

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An old friend sent me this. And N.Y. old friend I mean he’s really old. :lol:

  

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. 

 

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

  

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.   

  

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn't done in the middle.”

  

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

  

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

  

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens...

  

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

  

It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

  

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

  

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

  

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

  

As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

  

I thought getting old would take longer.

  

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

  

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

  

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

  

Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore.....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

  

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.  

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2 hours ago, Utah Bob #35998 said:

You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did

Absolutely.

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4 hours ago, Utah Bob #35998 said:

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.  

Now that there's funny!

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Given the time between conviction and execution, the death penalty becomes much less of a deterrent as we approach our late sixties!!

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In a friendly "what if" conversation a friend of my grandson said he could whip me.  I told a him I would shoot him if he hit me.  He said I'd go to jail.  I told him I might, but having no prior arrests and a really good lawyer I would make bail (or be released on my own recognizance) and with our justice system and my age I would likely die of old age before I ever even went to trial....and he'd miss all of it because he'd be dead.

 

He looked startled and then grinned.  We are still friends.

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1 hour ago, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said:

In a friendly "what if" conversation a friend of my grandson said he could whip me.  I told a him I would shoot him if he hit me.  He said I'd go to jail.  I told him I might, but having no prior arrests and a really good lawyer I would make bail (or be released on my own recognizance) and with our justice system and my age I would likely die of old age before I ever even went to trial....and he'd miss all of it because he'd be dead.

 

He looked startled and then grinned.  We are still friends.

Remind  him and those  like  him....If'n  you  call CPS, It's  the kid that goes away . 

 

CS  

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UB,

 

 Those are funny. It don't matter who you are, just plain funny.

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5 hours ago, Patagonia Pete said:

+1   cheerleaders.gif.7f4169c9e46a28f8da073e8d8bb093b4.gif >> "Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors." << cheerleaders.gif.7f4169c9e46a28f8da073e8d8bb093b4.gif

Wouldn't you?

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"I think my wife is in a coma.  The sex is the same but the laundry's really piling up."

      -  Steven Wright

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