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Three blonde girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

I flew with a funny copilot a few years ago. We got to talking about crashes one day. He said that if he was ever in a deadly crash, he would be famous and would have dedicated websites created about him and be the subject of many discussions. Of course I rolled my eyes and asked him why he would be remembered at all. He said “Before we crash, I’m going to shout into the cockpit voice recorder: LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE TENTACLES!!”

DID I KILL IT? Esther Keller saw it from a quarter of a mile away. She reached over, seized the engineer's sleeve,, thrust a gloved hand toward a bright, coruscating ball of something bright, something that looked alive, something that threw out tentacles that looked like lightning. Esther laughed and clapped her hands with delight: the last time she'd seen St. Elmo's Fire was when she was a child, taking a sea voyage with her father, well before the War. Bill squinted, stared at this eye-searing ball of energies that looked like it was ... rolling? Floating? -- toward him, toward them, following the steel rails. Suddenly the steam powered inspection car did not feel nearly as good a shelter as it had been a few moments before. Jacob leaned forward in his saddle, interested. He'd never seen anything like this before. He looked over at his father. Jacob didn't feel interested any longer. He felt scared. A long tall lawman with pale eyes and an iron grey mustache leaned forward -- Rey del Sol, his shining-gold Palomino, thrust forward, running toward the long, gentle bend in the railroad tracks. The Sheriff was riding to war, and Jacob was hard after him, wondering what in two hells his father was doing, especially when Linn brought out his rifle, rose in the stirrups, and began laying deadly accurate fire right into a rolling ball of unearthly fire. Jacob saw a ball of blazing light. Even at this distance, the searing-blue plasma's signature reflected brightly from the big, enclosing windows on the approaching inspection car. Esther saw a ball of blazing light, then she saw her husband, leaned forward on his stallion, riding straight for ground-mounted lightning, firing his rifle empty. Esther stood, frozen, shocked, one hand cupped over her open mouth, one pressed against her high stomach, her eyes wider and whiter than Bill had ever seen. He turned, nodded grimly to the fireman, who slung coal left-forward, right-forward, left-back, right-back, squinted into the fiery hell inside the firebox, shut the door. They had their speed up, Bill had his pressure up, he opened the throttle, felt the inspection car surge forward. He reached up, seized the whistle-chain, pulled hard. The Lady Dana screamed shrill defiance and charged this new enemy. The Sheriff threw up a leg, dropped to the ground: he landed flat-footed, thrust the rifle back into its scabbard, pulled both revolvers and advanced, firing as he ran. "SIR, NO! SIR, DON'T DO IT!" Jacob shouted as he pulled his double gun's hanging loop free of the saddlehorn, as he hit the ground flat-footed, as he charged the rolling ball of electric hell. Jacob did not stop to wonder what his father saw. All he knew was, his father was attacking whatever this was, and he would fight beside his father, come what may. Jacob came up beside his father and raised the double gun. Esther's face was pressed close to the heavy, curved glass, her breath fogged the chill, clear surface, her hands were pressed flat against the pane. She saw Jacob step forward, firing purposefully, firing deliberately: he broke open his gun, jerked the fired hulls free, dunked in fresh, closed the action as his father ran back to his stallion. Esther could not hear her husband. She did not need to. When he came back with his Cavalry saber in hand, she knew exactly what he was seeing. Esther stepped back, drove a green-eyed glare like twin daggers at the engineer. "RUN THAT THING OVER!" she shouted. "RUN IT DOWN AND KILL IT!!" Bill grimly ran the throttle as far as it would go. Esther heard the engine bark against her load, felt her laboring powerfully underfoot. She watched as Jacob fired twice more, watched as her husband ran past him, sharpened blade thrust out ahead of him. Jacob reloaded, sprinted in pursuit of his father -- "DAMN YOU, YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME NOW!" "No," Esther whispered as her husband was thrown as if from an explosion. Jacob leaped to the side, fired twice in mid-air, hit the ground, rolled, came up. The Lady Dana roared through the space where they'd been moments before, ran through the ball of blazing plasma: Jacob reloaded, nostrils flared, his blood up, but the enemy was gone, vanquished, disappeared. All that remained was the smell of ozone. Jacob turned, walked over to his father. Linn lay on his side, unmoving, eyes wide and unblinking. Jacob heard The Lady Dana coming back, he paid no attention to the inspection car: he laid the backs of his fingers against his father's mouth. Part of his mind registered that his hands were without shiver or shake. Part of his mind heard his mother's running approach. He looked up, his young face serious. "He is breathing, Mother," he said formally. Esther Keller dropped to her knees, seized her son's shoulder to steady herself. She laid a gloved palm against Linn's cheek. "You fool," she whispered. "You heroic, idiotic, stupid, headstrong, magnificent, fool!" Esther looked at Jacob, her eyes glitter-bright, and almost smiled as Jacob raised an eyebrow, just like his father did in such moments of puzzlement. Esther swallowed hard. "He saw every death he's ever known," she whispered. "He saw Death and he saw every demon in Hell who ever wanted to take a man's soul, and he knew he couldn't possibly win." "He attacked anyway." Esther nodded. Linn's eyes opened a little, he blinked, opened his eyes a little more. It took a moment to focus on his wife's face. "Safe?" he managed to gasp. "Yes," Esther whispered. "Safe." It took a few more breaths before the man had strength enough to grimace. "Sir?" Jacob asked. "Your orders, sir?" "The enemy." His voice was hoarse, barely audible. "Defeated, sir. They are fled." It was several minutes before wife and firstborn son could get the long tall Sheriff back on his feet. He seized his saddlehorn, leaned against his stallion, teeth clenched. Jacob hung his double gun back over his own saddlehorn, returned to the railroad bed, brought his father back his Cavalry saber. Carefully, silently, Jacob slid the gently curved, shining blade back into its scabbard under his father's rifle scabbard. Linn's shivering slowed, his posture improved: he looked back toward the railroad tracks, looked at the inspection car, looked back at Jacob. Jacob squared off to his father, took a step closer. "Sir?" "Jacob," Linn asked quietly, "did I kill it?"

"Watching 'Ol Yeller'. You got a problem with that?"

Speaking of toilets...

Every few days, I get something saying my bank or PayPal or other payer has been charged (or approved for) hundreds for a virus checker or new cell service or something, A quick check of the actual payment service shows no such charge. A careful inspection of the email or text shows a web link which is not my bank or PayPal or other payment service. There is usually a phone number to call in the communication. This number is either in a database of known spam callers or some other source, but is never the actual service. Worth checking (PITA) to make sure, every few years there is some actual fraud which hits a card or the bank, reporting it as soon as possible is a good thing. Go directly to paypal.com (or other payment service) or your bank yourself, never from the provided link in the communication. Never use the phone number in the communication, look on the back of your card or at your bank statement and call the number there. Don't trust, just verify.

When I read the punchline I read it as testicles. I was trying to figure out why that would make him famous.

I heard about a fella that was in a national park, and he was fishing. Did not have a fishing license for the park. Didn't catch anything, so he's walking back to his car, and he sees a ranger coming. Quickly he throws his fishing gear in the bushes. Then he walks on and the two of them meet up and they begin to talk about this and that. And the ranger tells him that even if he had seen the man with fishing gear, he could not ticket him for fishing without a license, because he had not seen the man fishing. The man said that was interesting information, and then he thanked the ranger and he was starting to go off to his car again, and the ranger pulled out his ticket book and asked the man's name. The man said, "Wait a minute. You said you couldn't ticket me for fishing without a license". The ranger said he wasn't. "I'm ticketing you for littering."

I like this time of year. It's the only time you can dig graves in your front yard and people will think they're decorations.

For me, its comforting to know that I have a good handgun close by should a rampaging, charging Jurassic Groundhog comes after me. ..........Widder

My bad PR. My previous post wasn't in response to you or any thing you said. Sorri! I'm trying to understand why others find it necessary to disparage my test, The shooting results are what they are, plain and simple. If someone don't like the manner in which I test or the results, it still doesn't change the facts of those results. Thanks for posting the extra screen shot. Have a good day. ..........Widder

i like this - i have problems processing before i have my coffee

If that were me, the woman in back would be experiencing my "Drill Instructor" voice about now.

SASS Alias: Jedediah Westwood From: Arizona Time in SASS: 1 year Having fun at the Tombstone Redemption event a few weeks ago.