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The Aussie Humour Thread


Buckshot Bear
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29 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

Alpo if you mean the above photo, its a python eating a Ring Tail Possum

Actually I meant the crocodile head, tail and upper back shopped onto the body of what looks like a bear.

 

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Edited by Alpo
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Aussie BBQ procedure:
1 - The woman buys the food.
2 - The woman takes a cold beer from the fridge and takes it to her husband who is talking about footy to his mates, and then she makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3 - The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - and gives him another cold beer.
4 - The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the discussion of cricket, footy, cars, fishing, and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

5 - The man places the meat and snags on the BBQ plate.

6 - The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7 - The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat
8 - The man takes the meat and snags off the plate and hands it to the woman.
9 - The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table, with more beer for the man and his friends..
10 - After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

11 - Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts that made this barbie a great success.

12 - The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Understood all of that except snags.

 

otto has outdone himself. He deleted my last entire sentence.

 

WHAT THE HELL ARE SNAGS?

Edited by Alpo
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11 hours ago, Alpo said:

On the map, just above the KIN in frickin, it says backpacker murders. That appears to be in the North. Or maybe not, since Oz is upside down. Maybe down there North is on the bottom of a map and South is on the top?

Backpacker murders have happened all over Australia with particularly infamous ones in the North and in NSW as well as that guy down south.

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Bruce and Sheila were spending the day at Taronga Zoo.

Sheila was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and VB singlet.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at Sheila in the pink dress. Bruce noticed the excitement,and thought this was funny.

Bruce suggested that his missus tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then Bruce suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then Bruce grabbed his missus, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache!"

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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are.'

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An old bloke in Darwin lived alone and he wanted to plant a vegie garden.
But it was very difficult work, as the ground in Darwin is mostly rock and red clay. His only son, Robbo, who could help him, was in Berrimah prison again for drink driving and dope smoking.
The old bloke wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his problem.
Dear Robbo, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my vegie garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were it would be easier. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A coupla days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear dad, what ever you do, don't dig up that bloody garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Early the next morning, the cops arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old bloke and left.
That same day the old bloke received another letter from his son.
Dear dad, go ahead and plant the vegies now. This was the best I could do under the circumstances.

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5 minutes ago, Trailrider #896 said:

I know the voice of that school teacher... He calls me quite often telling me there is a problem with my computer; or from the credit card company (the card of which I don't own), and many more!

 

LOL he calls me as well......right around dinner time. But I didn't fall for this one @Trailrider #896

 

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... young Lady (13 or 14) is visiting, her friends family are going out for pizza, all are excited, young Lady rings home to see if it's OK. ....... lamb roast ....   ;)

 

 

 

 ..... there were some trouble  about kids lying/telling fibs ......   :o

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29 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

... young Lady (13 or 14) is visiting, her friends family are going out for pizza, all are excited, young Lady rings home to see if it's OK. ....... lamb roast ....   ;)

 

 

 

 ..... there were some trouble  about kids lying/telling fibs ......   :o

 

No....Hope I'm not getting early onset Alzheimer's .....least I'll be able to re-watch a lot of movies again.

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