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The Aussie Humour Thread


Buckshot Bear

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You know, I've heard of fruit bats, and insect bats, and even vampire bats. But wom bats? How big are they, what do they eat, and how high do they normally fly? Do they prefer roost in belfries, or attics, or do they like to hang out in caves?

 

Hang out - that's a joke, I say that's a joke son.

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1 minute ago, Alpo said:

You know, I've heard of fruit bats, and insect bats, and even vampire bats. But wom bats? How big are they, what do they eat, and how high do they normally fly? Do they prefer roost in belfries, or attics, or do they like to hang out in caves?

 

Hang out - that's a joke, I say that's a joke son.

 

 ....... well, .... your typical wombat eats roots and leaves.

      they live in wombat holes that they dig in the ground.

          and are tough as nails ........ so tough that they will kill your car if you hit one in it, ... and then get up and wonder away. (btdt)

     they do not fly, as a rule, .... and can be cranky little buggers. (if you think that kangaroo in the waterhole is dangerous, DO NOT try to pat or cuddle a wombat)

 

:excl:

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On 1/16/2022 at 6:04 PM, Buckshot Bear said:

How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face..I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries other than Australia: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ^$%#
g beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your *&%^$%^%&g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't ^$%#g going anywhere!   Got it, Arsehole?'
So he stayed home......................and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?

My bride tried that with her first husband... didn't work.
He couldn't keep his sorry butt out of the bars.
Fortunately for me, I was there to offer my hand and rescue her... 43 years ago.
 

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3 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

285335572_3249801578625943_6616226196992241029_n.jpg.7185c1a21e646ed9a0b6d35e163e2a29.jpg

 

  what horrible, unforgivable misdeed could this canine have possibly committed to warrant such cruel and unusual punishment ? ...........

 ..... not to mention the embarrassment the poor pooch must be suffering ...................  :huh:

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11 hours ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 ..... not to mention the embarrassment the poor pooch must be suffering ...................  :huh:

Because he's in a box, or because it's a Foster's box?  

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9 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

the latter more so than the former

Unless a Yank meets an Aussie, we think Fosters is your favorite beer!

Getting to quip with y'all shows us a whole different side of Oz.

This is one of my favorite threads!

Keep on kiddin'.

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There's a webcomic I was reading this morning, and it was talking about the stupidity of putting little cheery notes on Halls cough drop wrappers.

 

One of the people in the comments said something about one brand of sanitary napkins. The wrapper says to "have a great period".

 

Then we have this reply to that comment (I assume Libra is an Aussie brand of sanitary napkins)

 

>Libra in Australia have facts on them. The overnight/maternity ones have a fact about there being a spider named after David Bowie on them, along with a picture. I'm not sure which idiot cleared that because I've woken my entire household so many times seeing that without my glasses on at 2am. I emailed them about it at least 4 times before I swapped to a more friendly option.<

 

 

From what I've heard of the spiders in Oz, if I woke up and blurrily, without my glasses, saw a spider down there in my groin area - I believe I would slightly lose it.

 

 

The David Bowie spider

00565862.jpg.326d148a29432ef36e09e7f7da6e96b1.jpg

Edited by Alpo
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