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It's FRIDAY! No apologies. 

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of wheat.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

"The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

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Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked. 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!) 

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Posted (edited)

Guy goes into a nice enough looking diner, sits down, looks at the menu, orders a burger and fries.  Food comes pretty fast, looks and smells good.  He opens the bun to add condiments and there is a big curly black hair sticking out of the burger.  He calls the counterman over, shows him and sends it back.  Reorders. another comes, exactly the same. He sends it back He says "I've got to see the kitchen."  He walks through the door just as the cook, wearing a sleeveless T Shirt, grabs a hand full of hamburger, slaps it into his armpit and forms a patty by lowering his arm.  "That's the grossest thing I've ever seen!"  Counterman "Not even close, you do not want to be here when he's making a batch of donuts!"

Edited by Rip Snorter
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....'

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7 minutes ago, Rip Snorter said:

Guy goes into a nice enough looking diner, sits down, looks at the menu, orders a burger and fries.  Food comes pretty fast, looks and smells good.  He opens the bun to add condiments and there is a big curly black hair sticking out of the burger.  He calls the counterman over, shows him and sends it back.  Reorders. another comes, exactly the same. He sends it back He says "I've got to see the kitchen."  He walks through the door just as the cook, wearing a sleeveless T Shirt, grabs a hand full of hamburger, slaps it into his armpit and forms a patty by lowering his arm.  "That's the grossest thing I've ever seen!"  Counterman "Not even close, you do not want to be here when he's making a batch of donuts!"

Lady Johnson, the Head Housemother of the private girl school my father was Head Master of, told us this story:  My husband was stationed in India with the British Army during the last two decades of the previous century, (prior 1900).  He was a Colonel and had duly appointed house servants who were local to the area.  Twice a week the cook would serve the most delicious potato pancakes.  You guessed it.  After almost a year of enjoying these delicacies, Lady Johnson walked into the kitchen area and witnessed the cook taking a ball of the potato mixture and forming it in her armpit.  Now add the fact that bathing was not conducted on a daily basis and air conditioning was still a fantasy, bon appetite.

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Posted (edited)

Do you suppose both she and the guy sitting behind her would get a zero for cheating, if she wore a halter to school the day they had the geography test? :P

 

 

I just noticed - they cut Oz in half.

Edited by Alpo
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