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Ba-Dump Tissssh - Memes

Pat Riot, SASS #13748

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An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. 
* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance. 
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. 
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. 
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. 
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. 
* Forgive your enemies, it messes up their heads. 
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. 
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. 
* You cannot unsay a cruel word. 
* Every path has a few puddles. 
* When you wallow with pigs expect to get dirty. 
* The best sermons are lived not preached. 
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. 
* Don't judge folks by their relatives. 
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 
* Live a good and honorable life.  Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. 
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. 
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 
* If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is to stop diggin'. 
* Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got. 
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd. 
* Good judgment comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. 
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. 
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence try orderin' somebody else's dog around. 
* Live simply. Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak kindly. 
*Leave the rest to God.

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CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the heck do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future

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5 minutes ago, Buckshot Bob said:

whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

I'm aware this is a joke, but seriously, how can you have gluten free whole wheat?

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