Jump to content
SASS Wire Forum

Leaderboard

Popular Content

Showing content with the highest reputation on 10/22/2021 in all areas

  1. 473. A BROTHER'S UNDERSTANDING Jacob took his sister's gloved hand, placed it on his arm. "Walk with me." Sarah's chin came up and Jacob could feel the air cool several degrees. The pair walked down the boardwalk, feeling the sun's welcome warmth soaking through their garments: their breath steamed in the high mountain air, their boot heels were loud on warped, dusty planks. "Little Sis," Jacob said quietly, "Pa is not sleeping well." Sarah's eyebrow raised a little. Normally she would have risen to his "Little Sis," but she heard a deeper concern in his voice -- not in his words, but in his throat, a tonal quality her musician's ear picked up on instantly. "That damned War," Jacob said quietly, "ruined many a good man. Eyes, limbs, scars, things a man can see. Look at a man on a crutch and he's got one good leg and the other trouser leg folded up and pinned to his belt. You can see that. Pa --" He took a long breath -- not a steady breath, kind of a shivering inhalation, and from this alone Sarah could tell the depth of his upset. "Mama said he was nightmarin' again last night." Sarah blinked, her pace slowing to match his slowing cadence: she looked at her brother's face, marveling yet again at how much he looked like his pale eyed father. "What about you?" Jacob's jaw came out a little, set: she saw muscles bulge, and then he stopped, and turned his head to look very directly at Sarah. "I could ask you the same question." Sarah reached up, laid gentle fingers along her brother's cheekbone. "I slept well last night, Jacob." "So did I." "Liar." "I slept like a rock. The windows shivered I snored so loud. Annette said sleepin' with me is better than a warm brick." "You have your father's hands," Sarah admitted. "A mountain witch told him he has hot hands, a Healer's hands." Jacob's hand floated up of its own accord, rested briefly just under his collar bone. "He stopped blood with the Word," he said softly, "elsewise I'd not be here." "I've seen the scar." He looked sharply at her. "I never intended that you should." "You were out of your head with fever," she smiled. "You didn't have much say in the matter." Jacob bit his bottom lip, nodded. "How do we help Papa?" Jacob stopped, looked ahead, well into the distance, not seeing street, buildings, horses nor mountains beyond. "I don't know," he admitted. "I'd ought to be able to help -- somehow -- but damned if I know how!" Sarah nodded, leaned against him, her head resting against his shoulder. Jacob's arm ran protectively around her, drew her close. "You realize the old gossips are going to tell Annette you were disporting most improperly with another woman." "I know." She heard the smile in his voice, felt his chest shiver with a suppressed chuckle. "Remember when Cousin Millie came around, I had her on my arm, she was so tickled to be in a genuine Wild West town she came up on her tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek?" Sarah laughed. "I remember. Annette had fun with that one." Jacob smiled at the memory, nodded. "Do you control your dreams, Jacob?" He looked at her with honest surprise. Sarah reached out, seized the burnished brass handle, hauled open the freshly-painted door of the Silver Jewel, steered Jacob within. Tillie looked up from behind the hotel counter, smiled: Jacob lifted his Stetson, took her extended hand, kissed her knuckles in a most gentlemanly manner. "My dear," he said with mock gravity, "I do appreciate your assistance!" Tillie gave him a wide-eyed look of absolute innocence: she looked at Sarah and saw a shared secret, so she lowered her head a little, regarded Jacob, knowing he was going to whip one on her. "Sarah and I were without, and I am assured the old biddies will tell Annette I'm consorting with other women!" "Oh, you wanted to add an older woman to your harem," Tillie teased. "Jacob, I'm old enough to be your mother!" "All the better," he declared happily. "It's obvious that I gather women of quality!" Tillie laughed, sat back down. "Jacob Keller," she sighed, shaking her head, "you are as full of it as your father!" Jacob placed a dramatic hand on his breast, fingers spread: "I come by it honest!" Sarah hauled him hard by his upper arm and Jacob mock-stumbled after her: "Hot tea," she called to the grinning Mr. Baxter, "and coffee for Jacob!" "What's wrong, Depitty?" a voice called. "Can't handle your women?" Jacob stopped and laughed, patting Sarah's hand, still firmly about his upper arm. "Handle her?" Jacob replied, white teeth gleaming beneath his curled, waxed handlebar: "Fella, I one time roped a Texas twister and rode it in the County Fair, won first place in the horse race with it! I saddled and rode a circus elephant, I've rode bull buffalo across the thunderin' prairie and my little boy rides a Texas longhorn! I can rope, ride, hogtie and brand anythin' that draws breath but I'll tell you honest" -- he looked down at his pale-eyed sister and laughed -- "I don't think there's any way on God's green earth I could EVER tame my baby sis here!" "Baby sis?" Sarah riposted, planting her knuckles on her belt in mock indignation. "Who you callin' little sis, little brother?" The two made their way back to the back, sat in the Lawman's Corner -- Jacob's back to one wall, Sarah's against the other, the corner between them -- hot tea and coffee arrived, and fresh apple pie with it, which gained the hash slinger a wink: "Jacob Keller, I know you well!" Sarah sipped her tea delicately, a proper young lady in a fine gown; Jacob addressed the pie -- Sarah considered that she'd have to describe his consumption as joyful, no other word really fit -- and after his plate was cleared, Jacob took a noisy slurp of coffee and considered his dainty, feminine sister. "You called me a liar." "You are a window, Jacob," Sarah said patiently. "I can see through you like window glass." "Hmp." Jacob frowned. "Your Mama can, too. So can mine." "Face it, Jacob," Sarah said quietly, "you'll never best women." "I yield to the more capable," Jacob replied, just as quietly. "Tell me about your nightmares." Jacob was never one to sidestep a difficulty, even one this deep and personal: he nodded, put his head down like a bull and plowed right into it. "Mostly I'm not able to change something. Or can't fix something." Sarah nodded carefully. "And our father's nightmares? What are they?" "I don't know," Jacob admitted. "Mama one time said he'll be shiverin' in bed beside her, he'll be soakin' with sweat. She'll hear his breathin' change and he'll groan some and she'll roll over and lay her hand flat on his breast. "His hand will rip out from under the covers for all the world like a rattlesnake, he'll press his down flat on top of hers and she'll feel him relax, and his hand will quit pressin' and go back under the covers and if there's light enough, she'll see his face go from lined and tense to relaxed, and that'll be it for the night." "I see." "If they go to sleep with Mama rolled up on her side ag'in him, he never does have nightmares." Sarah nodded slowly. "Is that what yours are like?" Jacob shook his head. "I'll wake up and try to lay real still so I don't trouble Annette." He hesitated. "Sometimes it works." Sarah nodded; she'd discussed the matter with her sister in law before, but never said as much to her brother. "Do you suppose it would help to get him to talk about it?" Jacob smiled sadly, shook his head. "The man's as close as bark on a tree when it comes to things like that. He'll brag his wife up to high heaven, but he'll not let slip any secrets about her. He'll tell outrageous lies about himself but he won't let slip any secrets. He's just as close when it comes to those nightmares." "You've tried." "I've tried." Sarah hissed her breath in between her teeth, frowned. "You can't fix him, Little Sis. He don't want fixed. He holds that hate close, holds it like somethin' precious." "I know what that's like." "I give mine up a long time ago." Sarah looked at him, her eyes veiled. "I've walked the red sands of hell, Jacob. I'm not sure I could if I wanted." "You asked about Pa's nightmares. I don't reckon I can do anything to help the man." "If I can't help him, can I help you?" "You said you steered your dreams." "I command my dreams, yes. It is my kingdom and in it, I am supreme, and nightmares are something I seize and control. I have taken monsters by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the pants and heaved them out the bat wing doors into the street." "I'll have to try that." They rose, Sarah taking his arm again. A stranger stepped in their path, leered at Sarah. "A good lookin' woman in a saloon," he sneered. "You gonna dance for us, honey?" Sarah turned, placed her gloved hand on Jacob's chest: "Let me," she whispered, then turned with a smile. "I am not dressed for the occasion," she smiled, "nor am I so inclined. Now if you will step aside --" Jacob saw the surprise on the man's face as something hard punched into his belly. "because if you do not step aside, sirrah, I shall blow a hole through you the size of a freight wagon." Jacob stepped back, drew his coat aside to reveal his engraved Colt's handle. "Was I you, friend," he said conversationally, "I'd listen to the lady." Tom Landers took two long steps, flipped the man's Derby hat free and belted him hard with a shot-filled slung shot. Sarah twisted, hooked her heel against the front of his ankle as she seized his arm and introduced his face to the floor at a good velocity. "Mr. Landers," she said as she returned her bulldog .44 to its hidden holster, "thank you. I detest loud noises, and my Bulldog pistol is quite noisy."
    2 points
  2. That's the Way we Fly EH !!! Jabez Cowboy
    1 point
  3. An Australian tour guide was showing a group of Americans tourist the top end. On their way to Kakadu, he was describing the abilities of the Aboriginae to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous. Then later that day, the tour rounded a bend in the road. Lying in the middle of the road an Aboriginal . He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostate Aboriginae. Jacky, said the tour guide' what are you tracking and what are you listening for? The Aboriginae replies, down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's Red, the left front tyre is bald, the front end is out of whack, and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellows in the back, all drinking warm Sherry. There are three kangaroos strapped to the roof and six dogs on the front seat. The American tourists move forward astounded by this prescise and detailed knowledge. 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?? Asked one. The Aboriginae replies, I fell out of the bloody thing about a half an hour ago.
    1 point
  4. Democrats arrive for early voting.
    1 point
  5. Ramblin' Gambler - Simon and Garfunkel, Sounds of Silence. "And the sign said the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls"
    1 point
  6. Ever wondered about: Guts or Balls... There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your missus with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your missus on the ass and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.'' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in severe injury.
    1 point
  7. Australia is pretty big.....but driving around through the unpopulated parts it feels a LOT bigger because there's only 25 million of us compared to the 300 or so million that you guys have in roughly give or take the same area.
    1 point
  8. About 12 of those hours will spent just driving across Texas
    1 point
  9. An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday. She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer. She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to her son. She stops to rest when she is tired, eats when she is hungry, and otherwise enjoys her time. On the second day, she realizes it’s about time to hurry things up if she wants to make it to her son’s before his birthday. She begins to ramp up the speed, just a few miles at a time. Soon, she’s flying down the highway, eager to get to New Orleans before sundown. Suddenly, a police officer pulls her over. “Ma’am,” he says, “Do you know why I stopped you?” “Yes,” the Aussie responds, “I may have been going a tad too fast in this car. I’m not used to the rules of the road around here and the speed got away from me. You see, I’m from another country and I’m trying to visit my son. ” “Well, ma’am, you were clocking above 95 MPH! Did you come here to DIE??” “No,” she says. “I came here yester-die.”
    1 point
  10. The Plastic Chair or Entrapment or, The Terryifying but Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle Lyrics Most people have got a few plastic stacker chairs at their place. You know, the plastic ones that have the little splits in the seat. What you probably don’t realise is that when you sit on them, those splits open up, cos that’s happenin underneath ya bum and you don’t see, and when you stand up they close up again. But they can be a bit tricky those chairs. And I’ve written this poem about a person who got into a bit of strife with a plastic stacker chair and I’ve called the poem ‘Entrapment’. And the expanded title is ‘The Terrifying But Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle’. Trevor’s on a mission, off to Consumer Affairs, Trying to get a total ban on plastic stacker chairs. He reckons that they’re dangerous, a serious threat to life. Cos it was through a plastic chair that he got into strife. It was at the Tamworth Festival, a concert in the park, Trev and Ken were there with gear to last them until dark. An esky full of coldies, Trev was without a care, Stubbies, thongs and T-shirt, on his plastic stacker chair. But as he stretched his legs out, his left crown jewel rolled free, And dropped straight through the chair seat, a real catastrophe. But Trevor remained unaware of his dire situation, Until they gave the singer a big standing ovation. As Trevor came up to his feet he gave a fearsome yell, Cos tethered to his testicle, the chair came up as well. He grabbed the chair with both hands as they crashed back to the ground, But the errant family jewel was firmly stuck, he quickly found. He tried to extract the enclosed nut, and then he began to curse, Cos nothing he did seemed to work, it only made things worse. Trev’s mate Ken was laughing, fit to go right off his brain, Ken’s tears were from laughter but Trevor’s were from pain. Ken produced a Stanley knife, and Trevor’s mouth went dry, He said, “I’ll only cut the plaso chair,” but Trevor wouldn’t let him try. Well, Ken climbed under and tried to poke things through, It’s times like this you find out what ya mates will really do. They pulled and poked and prodded, but all efforts were in vain, Trevor’s nut was red and raw, and giving heaps of pain. All this unwanted attention was no good you realise, Trevor’s tortured testicle swelled up to twice it’s size. Well, the word spread quickly through the park about the situation, And people tried to get a glimpse of Trevor’s threatened castration. Mums and Dads and kids and dogs, of every shape and age, Trev got more attention then the singer on the stage. Little kids were pointing, dogs were trying to have a smell, and Trevor, trying to cover up, said, “Go to bloody hell*!” “Poor bloke needs an icepack,” was the only good advice, They sat Trev over his esky with his agate in the ice. Someone called an ambulance, and they drove through the crowd, Trev was drinking Bundy Rum and swearing very loud. When they both stopped laughing, they carted Trev away, To the hospital where he became the highlight of the day. But Trevor’s near recovered, with both crown jewels in place, Don’t offer him a plastic chair if you value your face. But next year at the carnival, Trevor will be there, Wearing tight undies, long trousers, on his canvas fold-out chair.
    1 point
  11. An old bloke in Darwin lived alone and he wanted to plant a vegie garden.But it was very difficult work, as the ground in Darwin is mostly rock and red clay. His only son, Robbo, who could help him, was in Berrimah prison again for drink driving and dope smoking.The old bloke wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his problem.Dear Robbo, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my vegie garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were it would be easier. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.A coupla days later he received a letter from his son.Dear dad, what ever you do, don't dig up that bloody garden. That's where the bodies are buried.Early the next morning, the cops arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old bloke and left.That same day the old bloke received another letter from his son.Dear dad, go ahead and plant the vegies now. This was the best I could do under the circumstances.
    1 point
  12. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1 point
  13. Bruce and Sheila were spending the day at Taronga Zoo. Sheila was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and VB singlet. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at Sheila in the pink dress. Bruce noticed the excitement,and thought this was funny. Bruce suggested that his missus tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then Bruce suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then Bruce grabbed his missus, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache!"
    1 point
  14. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
    1 point
  15. Saturday morning Bruce got up early to go for his weekly fishing trip. He was moving quietly so he would not wake his missus, got dressed, filled the esky with beer, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up the boat up to the ute , and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be lousy all day. Bruce went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his missus' back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." Sheila replied, "Hmm come closer, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    1 point
  16. 0 points
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.