Jail Break!

[Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103]

Midnight might be half chicken but he's a good sneak and right now I needed a good sneakin' horse.

We slud through the brush and skulked around the draw and ended up behind the Mercantile and I waited til Calamity Kris come back across the street.

I wasnt' sure why she was in the bar since she run attair mercantile but I heard her unlock the front door and I knowed she locked it to show folks she wasn't in but the back door was unlocked in case you really needed somethin'.

I hid Midnight back of a shed and cat footed in the back 'cause I really, really needed somethin' and Calamity just might have what I needed.

Now I am not as dumb as I look, which accordin' to Jackson Cooper proves the Lord's mercy, so I took a look at a brand new broom leaned up against the wall and I taken it up and set my hat on the broad end and leaned it around the door frame.

"Now Kris, dear heart, don't shoot, it's me," I called, and BOOOOOOM a swarm of shot buzzsawed through the air and cut that broom off right at the neck and attair brushy end with my hat jumped straight up in the air and flipped over and did a death dive to the floor and I hollered "DAGGONE IT NOW CALAM DON'T YOU DARE SHOOT THAT SECOND BARREL OR I WILL HAVE PURDY BOY TICKLE YOU!"

There was the clear, distinct click of that off hand hammer coming back to full stand and Calamity yelled back, "AIN'T BUT ONE CARD CHEATIN' HORSE THIEVIN' CHICKEN SWIPIN' SCOUNDREL THAT KNOWS ABOUT ME BEIN' TICKLED!"

I heard the hollow sound of an empty hull hit the floor, then the bank vault of a breech snapped shut and I knew Calamity was reloaded.

"COME ON OUT HERE SO I CAN SEE WHO YOU IS OR I WILL COME BACK THERE AND SEE WHO YOU WAS!"

I reached down and snatched up my hat, slapped it a couple times on my thigh before clapping it on my head and coming around into the doorway, my hands up about breast bone level.

Calamity Kris give me a glare fit to freeze water and snapped "NOW DAGGONE IT LINN AIN'T YOU GOT NO SENSE A'TALL COMIN' IN THE BACK DOOR LIKE THAT!"

"Calam," I said, "it's that Mueller woman, she's all hot and bent up on gettin' me married off t' that daughter o' hers and I don't want nothin' t' do with her!"

"Why'd ye come here then?" Calamity snarled, parking her double gun in the corner.

"I had t' know if she was comin' or goin'. She was headed away from town --"

I looked past Calamity's arms-folded, foot-tapping, disapproving glare and saw the woman herself coming up the steps into the Mercantile.

I was too far into the store to get out back in time, there was nowhere to get out, I looked around --

Two long steps, snatch off the lid, reach in and scoop the cat off the crackers --

I jumped into the barrel of crackers, driving my heels down onto the saltines, pulled the lid back over me just before the door opened.

The barrel was airless, hot, sounds were muffled, but that-there cat was not at all hostile.

That surprised me.

The way my luck was a-runnin' I expected to be inside a hoop-staved meat grinder.

The cat was warm, furry, cuddled up under my chin, purring fit to shiver the boards apart, very content to be in that-there cracker barrel with me.

I breathed shallow, tried not to cough, least til that lid come off.

I tossed attair cat straight in the air and it give out a screech and throwed them four legs out in six different directions and that Mueller woman's eyes went wide and so did her mouth and she let out a war whoop and I jumped up, my eyes wide and I was a-screamin' too and I jumped out of attair cracker barrel and run straight back toward the back door, right past the startled, jaw-sagging Calamity, I scrambled and skidded on them oiled boards and got around the corner then I shoved my head back around the door frame and yelled "CALAM I'LL BUY THAT BARREL OF CRACKERS!" and as I dove out the back door and sprinted for my Midnight-horse, I heard Calamity Kris's indiginant screech, "YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT YOU'LL BUY THAT WHOLE BARREL YOU CARD CHEATIN' HORSE THIEVIN' CHICKEN SWIPIN' SCOUNDREL!"

At least she's consistent, I thought as I grabbed the saddle horn and jumped into the saddle.

I shoulda knowed better 'cause Midnight was asleep and sure enough when I surprised him like that his legs give out and he passed out on me again.

[Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103]

I finally got Midnight woke up and got him pointed roughly toward the main street.

Warn't but the one street so 'twas an easy choice.

I whoa's up in front of attair saloon an' after a session in attair cracker barl I was kind of dry so I figured to have me a sociable drank.

Or an unsociable one.

I warn't too fussy.

Long as it was wet and it was beer I wanted it.

Midnight turned his head and give attair horse trough across the street a funny look and I couldn't figure that one out but hell he's a horse and likely I warn't no great shakes myself, sheddin' cracker crumbs with ever' step, so I went on inside and handed Rye a hand rolled Cuban.

"How's f'r a drank? Ennythin' left?"

[Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103]

Bottles scratched his head, bent over, looked under the bar, straightened.

He knew they were here somewhere ...

His fingers found his spectacles (right where he left 'em ... perched atop his head!) and he dropped them down to his eagle beak and read Linn's note:

Ain't nothin' left to drink.

Hell of a note. I'm goin' home.

I'll freight you kegs of beer and booze.

Draft as necessary from the Unorganized Militia to haul it from the depot to the Saloon.

Linn

Bottles grinned, then sobered as he considered his own very nearly depleted supply.

"Hey Bottles! Wot's the notis?"

Bottles handed him the hand written.

"Got a way with words, don't he?"

[J. Mark Flint #31954 LIFE]

Though I hadn't been in Toostone for several years, a telegraph reached me regarding Badger's plight. All I could do was offer a bit of advice.

 

"Demand a trial and have Badger strip down naked-the evidence will never stand up in court."

 

And with that, I returned to my hacienda by the sea.

[Yellowhouse Sam # 25171]

Though I hadn't been in Toostone for several years, a telegraph reached me regarding Badger's plight. All I could do was offer a bit of advice.

 

"Demand a trial and have Badger strip down naked-the evidence will never stand up in court."

 

And with that, I returned to my hacienda by the sea.

Why isn't there a spew warning button on here????? :D

[Birdgun Quail, SASS #63663]

Why isn't there a spew warning button on here????? :D

Amen!!

[Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103]

"Hey Bottles!" the sweating man yelled through the sagging bat wings. "Where you want this here bar'l?"

"What's in it?" a voice called hopefully, and willing hands swarmed out to greet what they hoped was a restock for their fine emporium.

"CRACKERS?" came the yell. "WHO IN THE HELL SENT A SALOON CRACKERS?"

"The same damned fool that put us to wallerin' a half dozen kags of beer and two o' moon shine whiskey over to the Mercantile --"

The luckless pair was nearly trompled to death in the stompede.