Alpo

I can lick my elbow. It's a stretch, but I can do it. The inside. But whether it's the front side or the backside it's still the elbow, right?

Jimmie and Arthur, aged respectively six and ten, were spending a week with their grandmother, who was wealthy and generous, while their parents were away from home on a visit. A few nights before Christmas the youngsters were getting ready for bed. Their grandmother was in an adjoining room waiting for them to retire so she might turn out the light. Arthur said his prayers and crawled under the covers. Jimmie, still on his knees, proceeded to petition Heaven for an extensive line of Christmas presents. As he progressed, his voice rose louder and louder. Also he began to repeat himself. He spoke somewhat after this fashion: “And, Oh, Lord, please send me a soldier-suit, and a tool-chest—a big tool-chest, Lord—and a watch and a drum and a horn and a toy wagon and——” Annoyed, the older brother raised up and interrupted: “Say,” he demanded, “you needn’t be praying so loud; the Lord ain’t deaf.” “I know he ain’t,” said Jimmie, “but Grandma is.”

A'lee

Kennel

“Now, then, children,” said the Sunday school teacher in her best Sunday school teacher’s manner, “the lesson for to-day is about the Prophet Elisha. Can any little boy or little girl here tell us anything about Elisha?” “Me,” answered a ten-year-old urchin, holding up his hand. “Very well, then, Eddie,” answered the teacher. “Now, then, all the rest of you be nice and quiet while Eddie, here, tells us about the Prophet Elisha.” “Well,” said Eddie, “Elisha was an old bald-headed preacher. One day he was goin’ along the big road and he came past where some children were playin’ in the sand, and they laughed at him and poked fun at him and called him names and hollered, ‘Oh, look at that old bald-headed man!’ That made Elisha hoppin’ mad and he stopped and turned around and shook his fist at ’em and he said: ‘Don’t you kids make fun of me any more! If you do I’ll call some bears out of them woods yonder and they’ll shore eat you up.’ “And they did and he did and the bears did.”

On the Congressional Limited a passenger who, to judge from the visible evidences, had been patronizing a bootlegger, hailed the Pullman conductor as the latter passed through the car. “Shay, conductor,” he inquired rather thickly, “how far is it from Wilmington to Baltimore?” The conductor told him the distance, and passed on. On his next appearance the inebriated one halted him again: “How far is it,” he asked, “from Baltimore to Wilmington?” “I told you just a few minutes ago,” said the Pullman man. “No, you didn’t,” said the traveler. “You told me how far it was from Wilmington to Baltimore. What I want to know now is how far is it from Baltimore to Wilmington.” “Say, listen,” said the irate conductor. “What are you trying to do—make a goat of me? If it’s so many miles from Wilmington to Baltimore, isn’t it necessarily bound to be the same number of miles from Baltimore to Wilmington?” “Not nesheshar’ly,” said the other. “It’s only a week from Christmas to New Year’s, but look what a devil of a distance it is from New Year’s to Christmas.”

Backhouse

Skoal

Hatchback

Scarlet Pumpernickel

Scarlet fever

Ahh-nald

This is one of those that I need to have explained to me I guess. Does he want someone to pay their bill, so the economy will keep rolling along? Or does he want someone to pay one of his bills, because he's so far in debt he will never get out?

Massage

Please Mr. Custer, I don't wanna go.

Narrator

Pop-pop Jiffy Pop

War of the worlds

Christmas

What's "junkets"? In that refrigerator ad, it says it will preserve, "fresh food, hard butter, jellies and junkets".

Paper Moon