Joanna of Flanders, An Interesting Woman

[Subdeacon Joe]

Found on FB
 

Ah, Joanna of Flanders, a woman whose life reads like a satire penned by a particularly theatrical court jester. Born into the noble ranks of medieval Europe, Joanna decided early on that her life's purpose was not to merely exist but to inject as much drama into the 14th century as possible. It’s as if she woke up one morning, looked out over the rolling hills of Brittany, and thought, “What this place needs is a queen—*me*—who can simultaneously wage war, go insane, and scandalize the entire continent.”

Joanna’s first brilliant move was marrying John of Montfort, who, being the opportunist that he was, decided to contest his cousin for the Duchy of Brittany. She clearly saw an opportunity in her husband’s questionable inheritance claims, not so much for peace, but for a little theatrical chaos. After all, who doesn’t want to start a civil war to spice up their marriage? While John was promptly captured by the French, Joanna, ever the overachiever, stepped into his role with a vigor that would make Napoleon blush.

Not content to just run a rebellion, she did it *in style*. Joanna didn’t merely lead armies; she rode into battle wearing a full suit of armor, presumably while screaming, “Yes, I *am* the drama!” She became the medieval version of a reality show warrior princess, inspiring her troops to such a degree that historians probably invented extra adjectives just to describe her flair for the theatrical. Rumor has it that at one point, she laid siege to a city by having her forces construct siege towers overnight, because why settle for anything less than utterly excessive?

But Joanna wasn’t just about war and armor-clad antics. No, she was also an early adopter of the fine art of insanity. When things didn’t go as planned—because civil wars are *so* unpredictable—she allegedly lost her mind. This wasn't the quiet, poetic kind of madness that medieval writers love to romanticize. No, this was the grand, unapologetically public breakdown, complete with wild accusations and peculiar behaviors that left everyone wondering whether Joanna was a visionary leader or just really, really bored. Spoiler: probably both.

As if leading an army and going mad wasn’t enough, Joanna also managed to scandalize Europe with her political alliances. She cozied up to the English crown so effectively that one might assume she spent her evenings laughing maniacally over chessboards with Edward III, plotting the downfall of France while discussing the latest trends in battlefield fashion. Her grasp of political chess-playing was so extraordinary, one might suspect she invented the game itself. Or at least, she rebranded it: Joanna’s Chess—where every pawn is a hidden bomb, and the queen occasionally leads a cavalry charge.

In the end, Joanna of Flanders did what any good historical figure should: she faded into obscurity, but not without leaving a dramatic enough legacy to ensure that history books would have to work overtime to contain her many outlandish exploits. Whether you admire her for her battlefield prowess or simply marvel at her ability to upend 14th-century norms with a smile, one thing is clear—Joanna of Flanders was the living embodiment of, “Well, that escalated quickly.”

Thus, in the grand tradition of outlandish medieval royalty, Joanna's life can be summed up as a glorious satire of ambition, lunacy, and the undeniable art of knowing when to wear armor and when to lose one's mind.

(blurb for new book redacted)