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Christmas After OSHA and CPSC


Subdeacon Joe

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Christmas Health and Safety.

 

Before we get down to the happy business of singing Christmas Carols later in the month,

the following are some things to consider from an Elfin Safety point of view:-

 

Jingle Bells.

Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go laughing all the way

 

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on.

 

The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,

particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

 

Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.

 

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

 

While Shepherds Watched.

While shepherds watched their flocks by night all seated on the ground,

The angel of the Lord came down and glory shone around

 

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available.

Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

 

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

 

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

 

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

 

Little Donkey.

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

 

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

 

We Three Kings.

We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar.

Field and fountain, moor and mountain following yonder star

 

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

 

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

 

Away in a Manger.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed

 

That's enough ..... Quick .... call the Social Services.

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