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Pat Riot, SASS #13748

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Posts posted by Pat Riot, SASS #13748

  1. A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
    The boy now has company. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “$250.”
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
    Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball glove.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “I’ll tell.” Man: “How much?” Boy: “$750.” Man: “Fine.”
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says, “$1,000.” The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
    They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
    The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

    • Haha 1

  2. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
    Everyone chuckles, and the vendor makes the dog. The Buddhist hands him a twenty, the vendor pockets it & moves on to the next customer. The Buddhist complains, “Hey where’s my change.” And the Vendor replies, “Ah, change comes from within.”

    • Haha 3

  3. 10 hours ago, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said:

    I copied this from the Saloon (ACS) almost 16 years ago:


    How to keep out of trouble buying your wife a present


    I been married for about 38 years and learned a few thing about keeping out of trouble. Ain’t to hard if you keep your wits about ya.

    So I thought I’d pass on a few tips to the younger pards.

    Rememberin important dates, like birthday, anniversary, etc. Use your calendar, you know the one where you write down all the dates and times of the matches within a 4 hour drive.

    Wife’s birthday. Stay up real late one night and wait til the wife is asleep. Go in her purse and find her drivers license. Birthday is on that, put it in your calendar.

    Weddin anniversary. Some night after supper say to your wife “might be kind of fun to look through our weddin book tonight.” If your lucky there be a copy of the invitation in it. Look real close then run to the bathroom and write it down real quick before ya ferget. Some times there may be a date on back of the pictures.

    Hallmark holidays like Valentines, Mother’s day, etc. Check the calendar in the kitchen, they’ll be on that.

    What to do with the dates now that you got ‘em. For most everything except for Christmas and maybe her birthday you can’t go to far wrong with flowers. Women are just as happy with a bunch of flowers as you would be getting new progressive press with an automatic case feeder. Call up a local shop and have ‘em deliver her a bunch with a nice card. If she works, have ‘em delivered there, so that she can show her friends how thoughtful you are.

    Shoppin for presents. Face it, you don’t know nothin about what women like. So here’s what you do. The night before you go shoppin sneak some of your guns and ammo out to your truck. Let her know you're goin shoppin for her present and head out early but not too early them stores don’t open til nine or ten. Stop at the first nice women’s store you see. Make sure that what ever you buy she can return it for a full refund. Tell the sales gal how much you want to spend and tell her to pick somethin out in that price range and wrap it up real nice. And what ever you get make sure it’s two sizes too small. Now ya got the rest of day to hit the gun stores and go out to the range. When you get home late in the afternoon complain bout how crowded them stores were and what a hard job it is to shop. Say stuff like you don’t know how she can do this every week. Go put the present under the tree and you're home free.

    Think before ya talk, example. You're sittin reading one of your gun magazines and the wife walks in and says “notice anything new?” If you just blurt out “them new Rugers are comin in next week” well do I have to say more. Don’t panic, just look her in the eye and say somethin like “you got that sparkle in your eyes, you know the one you get when you find something really nice that you really needed.” Then she’ll tell all about her new dress or something.

    At the Range. In the good old days before CAS we had the place pretty much to ourselves now the wives are there too so you got to be careful what you say. We got to learn to talk in code. Say Fred shows up with his wife and one them new Rugers. You blurt out “Fred, that one of them new Rugers?” You mighta just got Fred in big trouble. Instead say somethin like “Fred, where did you find the parts for that old gun of yours? Is it fixed up so it works now? Can I take a look at it?”

    How to add to your collection of guns , power tools, etc. To do this safely you must first understand the female mind, not the whole thing just a little bit of it. Go look in your wife’s closet, look it over real good dresses, shoes, etc. Go back in a week and look again. Anything change? Looks the same to you, she could have replaced everything in there and you would never know. Your work shop and gun safe are the same to her as her closet is to you. Boxes, if they see a new box they’ll know you got something new. Gun boxes you want to hide them real good out in the barn. Power tool boxes, leave ‘em at the hardware store. Trick is to get ‘em in the workshop or gun safe without bein seen.


    Using this as  a format for  a happy marriage may result n you meeting many new folks.

    Most of them will work at the law firm you'll be hiring once your wife figures out that you're a  BS'r and a sneaky SOB.:P

  4. 15 hours ago, Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 said:

    Thanks, all!


    Think I might've found something ~ I need to do some measuring to see if I can shoehorn the thing in (pun unintentional! ^_^ ).  Intended for motorcycle use, the horns are 8" and 6 1/2".  Maybe... maybe I can tuck 'em into the nose...


    At 125 dB, t's a bit louder than legal - but I'll take my chances, when it's me in the Miata against a semi driven by some character with his window-bulging Bose speakers cranked up to eleven.


    If you open the link you can click on the "Play Horn Sound" button.  :)  


    Viking Motorcycle Horn



                                      Dual Chrome Trumpets Motorcycle Air Horn





    Thanks Hardpan. These sound appropriate too. I say that because if you have a horn that sounds like a Cadillac horn of old (for example),  people kind of expect to see a Cadillac. It won’t register that a Miata with a Cadillac horn is the car that might be blowing the horn. 

    An example of this for me is the horns Honda installs on their Gold Wing. It sounds like a car horn, almost like an old Caddy horn. Several people I have talked to that own Gold Wings have said that the horn gets people’s attention but confuses them and often the person proceeds with what they were doing that warranted the Horn in the first place. 


  5. I used to have one of those Zombie lowers. Got tired of fielding questions about it and sold it. 

    I have always wanted one that said: “Shouldn’t Fire”, “Might Fire” and No third position. Can’t have full auto so why bother?

    • Like 2

  6. After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration...

    The man thought to himself, "I’m so screwed!" To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is; run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, kill his only son with it." Without thinking twice, the man did as he was told. As he put the spear through the young cannibal's heart, the bright light appeared again and the deep voice said to him, "Now you’re screwed."

    • Haha 9

  7. I joked with my wife that I needed 2 Pit Bulls for Emotional Support animals.

    She said “Why two?”

    ”One to hold the SOB down while the other works on easing my stress through physical manipulation of my problem.”


    • Haha 3

  8. 1 hour ago, Tom Bullweed said:

    My Rossi: a bit of material is removed on the underside of the barrel.  With the screw in place, the band cannot slide along the barrel.  

    I seem to recall this on my one and only Rossi as well. 

    Question, are you sure that is a Rossi part? 
    I only ask because I found myself with an extra Winchester 94 band that looked very much nicer than my Rossi band so I tried to see if it would fit. It pretty much looked like what you are explaining that you’re seeing. I never modified the band to make it work. 

  9. 2 minutes ago, Dirty Dan Dawkins said:

    Cannot wait. Taking Election Day and rest of week off to hunt

    Now that is the perfect way to spend a few days during this time. I envy you. I hope you have a fantastic time. 

    • Like 3

  10. Let me start this with a disclaimer:

    I am not writing this to slam religion or promote anything above religion. This was my perspective as a teenager. 

    Years ago my Dad, an ordained minister without a flock, and my Uncle, a Nazarene minister with a sizable church, and a couple of my Dad’s friends were discussing something in the Bible. 
    My Uncle, who I love dearly and who always tried to include me in any conversation, asked me who or what I thought God was. 
    I was 17 at the time and I had thought a lot about this. In my house I could not watch Sci-Fi or read Sci-Fi. It was forbidden by my Dad, which didn’t matter to me. I watched Sci-Fi when he wasn’t around and read in my room. I often countered religious teachings with possible scientific reasons for things that happened. My Uncle was often fascinated by my take on things and encouraged discussion on them. My Dad did not. He would have made a very good Medieval Priest...Iron Maidens and all...

    Anyway, back to my Uncle’s question; “Thomas, (he always called me Thomas) who do you think Or what do you God is?”

    For a split second anxiety arose in me as I looked at my Dad. His scowl told me “Boy, shut up and go away.” Then I decided to pose my theories. 
    “Well, since you asked...” 

    I went on to posit that God was not a single entity but an alien race or races. They used DNA manipulation to create modern man from Cro Magnon man. In their early studies they decided to seed the men they created or races they created with “religion” to give them guidance so as not to have their creation wipe themselves out. I explained the miracles of the Old and New Testaments as scientific proposals; The burning bush - electronic communications device, probably a small landing craft.

    The Battle of Jericho - a beam shot from outer space that caused a localized earthquake. “God” asked Joshua to march in order for the aliens to have time to get their earthquake generating equipment on line. 
    Angels - aliens with the ability to fly. 
    Fiery chariots - personal spacecraft. 
    Different races came from different experimentation. They were given different religions, different ways of life. The alien experiment was to see what would work best for these beings they created called “humans”.

    I went on explaining lots of Old Testament events using my scientific, or sci-fi based speculation. 
    Then I came to The New Testament and Jesus. I explained the 30 year gap in the lack of history and writings of Jesus as alien training. The aliens knew that the “old” religions weren’t going to work out as populations exploded. 

    I explained miracles with science based speculation. I explained Jesus rising from the grave and the angels that the people encountered and how they possibly used devices to rejuvenate him. 
    I explained the Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu religions. I explained the culture American Indians and the Indians of Central and South Americas. 
    I explained that perhaps all these culture were formed for the aliens to study our progression to see what culture became dominant. 
    I also speculated that perhaps Earth was nothing more than an alien high school study program for their students to learn biology and how life forms interact and how insects, viruses and bacteria play a part. 
    I literally went in for an hour while my Dad glared at me, my Uncle smiled in fascination and my Dad’s two friends sat open-mouthed listening. They were probably wondering what torture would be wrought upon me for my transgressions and keeping score baffled that I just wouldn’t shut up before I reached punishment critical mass. 

    Finally my Dad had had enough and told me to go to my room “We’ll talk tomorrow”. Code for “Your in deep (crap) boy”.

    As I walked away my Uncle grabbed my arm and said “God created that imagination of yours.” And then he wished me good night. 

    My Dad never spoke to me about my theories. I think he was at afraid it would cause an even bigger rift between us. I left home shortly after this. 

    • Like 1

  11. Why do I get the feeling this is just another sensational thing the media spins to get people excited for no damned reason but to further their manipulative horse s#l£.
    When I was a kid copperheads were mating with black snakes...We’re all gonna die!

    Fire ants are going to take over the south...We’re all gonna die!

    Kudzu was gonna snuff out all vegetation in the southern USA...We’re all gonna die!

    Pit Bulls! Pit Bulls, the most evil creatures alive will kill everyone!...We’re all gonna die!

    Killer bees will invade the USA, they should be to Canada by now...We’re all gonna die!

    Now we have “murder hornets” - Asian Giant Hornets...We’re all gonna die!


    Check this out...before we all die. :P




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