Home security

[Utah Bob #35998]

I saw the Simpli Safe security system commercial. You know, the one where the guy is watching the security monitor and the alarm goes of as the two burglar dirtbags enter the yard.

He sternly says, “STOP. THIS IS SIMPLISAFE! YOU ARE BEING MONITORED AND RECORDED. I’M REQUESTING POLICE DISPATCH” and they run off like their asses are on fire.

I’d like to be the guy with the monitor and the microphone. But when the alarm started whooping I would have difficulty sticking to the company’s mandatory script. I don’t think I’d even say STOP. Probably just “BAZINGA or BOOGA BOOGA”, followed by a banshee scream, some automatic fire sound effects from my phone and stream of profanity that would blast the leaves off the backyard trees, and peel the pint off the pickett fence. I’d have the volume up to eleven. The neighborhood pets would be evacuating as fast as they could run, despite their little shock collars going off.

 

When the bosses came and reviewed the incident, the blown out smoking speakers, cracked windows, bent rain gutters, scorched patio furniture, I’d be out of a job.

Oh and the bourbon bottle.

I think it would be worth it though.

[Sedalia Dave]

[Blackwater 53393]

I’d prefer, “Go ahead blanky blanker!! Open that door!  I’m just inside with my pump shotgun and a mag full of buckshot!!!” in a low and menacing tone, “Tell your buddy that my wife has him dead to rights with my AK!”

[Calamity Kris]

I would go one step further and use motion/heat sensored lights that start off by sweeping the yard as if they are looking for their target, then zeroing in on the perps and lighting them up, hopefully as they ran away.

[Subdeacon Joe]

(static burst)

(calm female robotic voice)

Tracking target.

Target acquisition achieved.

Firing sequence initiated.

Firing in

5

4

3

(sound of M2 being charged)

2

1

 

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

I'd rather have a recording say "Surprise!  The No Trespassing signs on this lot just became hunting licenses and you are no longer a trespasser but a target".  End it with  a sound of a gun being charged and a 10 second countdown.

 

Or just have a batch of very bright yard lights come on all at once and a loud voice saying "SURPRISE!"

[Doc Shapiro]

4 minutes ago, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said:

I'd rather have a recording say "Surprise!  The No Trespassing signs on this lot just became hunting licenses and you are no longer a trespasser but a target".  End it with  a sound of a gun being charged and a 10 second countdown.

 

Or just have a batch of very bright yard lights come on all at once and a loud voice saying "SURPRISE!"

 

We have dogs, and I have several "hot" guns within arms reach.  I am sure many of you are similarly prepared.

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

5 hours ago, Doc Shapiro said:

 

We have dogs, and I have several "hot" guns within arms reach.  I am sure many of you are similarly prepared.

I have a 7 lb., 10 year old dog that isn't worth much, but I might have a gun or two around here some place.

[Big Sage, SASS #49891 Life]

I'd just step out on the front porch with the light on and load my pump shotgun so they could see me do it. 

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

32 minutes ago, Big Sage, SASS #49891 Life said:

I'd just step out on the front porch with the light on and load my pump shotgun so they could see me do it. 

Sounds like a good way to get shot.  😬

 

[Texas Maverick]

I would like to have a number of red laser pointers going off and searching the area. Bet he would crap his pants when it got close to him.

 

LOL

 

TM

[Subdeacon Joe]

Alternative recording:

 

Shooter ready?

 

Stand by!

 

BEEEEEPP!

 

[Dawg Hair, SASS #29557]

I'd just activate my "killer Cocker Spaniel" on 'em!

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

10 hours ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

I'd just activate my "killer Cocker Spaniel" on 'em!

Looks like that little guy would lick you to death and shed all over your clothes.

[Dawg Hair, SASS #29557]

12 hours ago, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said:

Looks like that little guy would lick you to death and shed all over your clothes.

Yes, she is really determined to get your attention!

[watab kid]

it is a dog in that commercial talking to two other dogs  , im OK with that commercial i get what they are pushing but no netter than 911 , i dont call 911 - they are way too slow , i need immediate response im going to immediately respond , 

\

oh and my dog will too , its a stupid commercial but its TV

Edited August 25 by watab kid