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Pat, Is This You?


Subdeacon Joe

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Heck yeah…Funny story.
I went to the cycle shop to see about better wind protection and they told me that by installing a cow I could stay a little warmer when riding at speed, especially now that the weather is changing. So, I went and started looking for the right cow. I used one of those laser thermometers to check body temps to see which cows produced the highest body heat. Radiant heat can be a blessing on a cold day. Well, I found Betsy on a feed lot in Tennessee. Out of the hundreds of cows I examined she was the hottest. I plunked down the old master card and Betsy was mine. 
At this point it dawned on me that I needed a way to tote Betsy around. Those guys at the bike shop never mentioned how to install my cow, so I went on another mission. 
As luck would have it I was cruising through Kentucky when I saw a sign for a circus. I figured “Hey, you need a break from all this cow related searching. Go see the circus. Have a good time!” So down the road I went on my trusty metal steed to find the circus. 
Upon arrival I found that there was a big sign for the circus but there was a red banner across it saying “Shows cancelled due to death in the family”.

I was bummed. While I stood there next to my bike getting the cow search numb butt sensations to subside I see this flatbed truck pull up to the gate. It had a big highly decorated box in the back with the word “Broomhilda” emblazoned across the side in gold leaf. It was the gaudiest big ol’ box I ever did see. It had about a dozen gold handles on each side and was all glossy black red and gold. 
The driver of the truck yelled over and asked me where I wanted this “coffin”. I told him I had no idea as I wasn’t with the circus but I could help him by finding someone. He said “Well you could have fooled me!” I had no idea what he meant by that, but I was warm so took off the coat of many colors that Mama made for me and my big toe over-shoes and went looking for someone to help this guy. Side note: big toe over shoes really help keep the toes warm in cooler temps at speed, but it’s a good idea to remove them so you don’t trip and bust your nose. I had a big red nose for about a month a while back due my clumsiness. 
Anyway, I found some clown hanging out next to a wagon and told him they had a delivery of a big gaudy box and he got all excited. He called out for the Ring Master who appeared like magic in a wisp of smoke. 
They explained that poor Broomhilda had passed away in the last show during the Grand Finale and that big gaudy walk in freezer sized box was her casket. 
It turns out Broomhilda was the fattest lady in the world and her show included her riding in a motorcycle sidecar tossing ham sammiches and baked potatoes into the crowd during the show grand finale. I thought that was a little odd, but who am I too judge. It seems she was in mid potato toss when she just keeled over dead, which according to the clown was unknown at the time because Broomhilda’s “keeling over” was more like her head just tilted forward. She was a Biiiiiiiiig woman!
As I was walking back to the gate with the clown and the Ring Master they saw my motorcycle and asked if I might be interested in an oversized sidecar or if I might know anyone that might be. They pointed it out to me sitting next to a jacuzzi they said was Broomhilda’s bathtub. 
Well, to say I was excited was an understatement. I asked how much and they said I could just take it as they couldn’t possibly use it in another show as Broomhilda’s spirit might put a curse on them. Just then a cold wind blew passed us and a crow began cawing. I put on my coat of many colors that mama made for me and slipped on my overshoes. The weirdest thing happened then. The Ring Master asked me if I wanted a job. I told him “No thanks. I’m retired.” But he persisted even as we were hooking up the side car. Strange. 
So, rather than clown around any longer with these guys I hit the road back to Tennessee to get my Betsy. 
As it turns out getting a cow into a sidecar is no easy task. 
Betsy was having none of this and stepped on my big toe overshoes numerous times during the event so I had to toss those. A funny thing happened every time she stepped on my shoes. They made this funny horn tooting sound. Must’ve been from the air rapidly escaping the shoes every time she stepped on them. 
The farmer that sold me Betsy told me that my coat of many colors that Mama made for me is probably scaring her. He recommended that I not wear it. Well, that meant I needed something else to wear to keep warm so I headed into town. 
I thought about it long and hard and decided that perhaps Betsy was a vane little girl and that she should be the one everyone should see when being chauffeured about town keeping me warm so I decided a Lady should get what a Lady deserves and I got me a black chauffeur’s suit with a heavy jacket. The guy at the men’s store convinced me try out this leather helmet and goggles he had in the basement to go with my outfit and I’ll be dogged if I didn’t look like the snappiest motorcyclist ever! I looked like Evel Knievel’s opposite counterpart. Though I don’t think Betsy would be up for jumping buses, cars and canyons, but I didn’t completely discount the idea. 
So, with my new outfit on I headed back to the farm and “WALLAH!” Betsy just climbed right into that sidecar like a dainty fat girl getting into a bubble bath and just as pretty as can be. 
She actually emitted a sort of giggle when I surprised her with her own leather helmet and goggles, though they didn’t fit her and I didn’t tell her what the helmet was made of. That may have spoiled the moment. 
So, I thanked the farmer, handed him my coat of many colors that Mama made for me and I headed for the freeway. 
I think those guys at the bike shop were wrong. Once you hit twenty miles per hour the benefits of having a warm cuddly cow next to you to keep you warm dissipate rapidly. I was quite disheartened by this discovery. 
I stopped at a rest stop to ponder this and let Betsy replenish her cud locker when I hit upon a capital idea. 
Lots of folks in highly populated areas spend a lot of time in traffic going slow in fast cars. Why I saw a Ferrari once that looked fast just sitting still. So I decided that if I go fast I can’t be warm, but if I go slow but look like I am going fast no one will be the wiser so I adopted that riding position that you see in that photo above. 
Ahem…don’t tell anyone but I am actually only doing fifteen miles and hour in that photo. Impressive huh? It looks like I am flying! Betsy even gets in on the act. Look how she streamlines her features to make it look like we’re flying. 
Anyway, at fifteen to twenty miles and hour it took me several days to get back home. 
I thought that Betsy needed some “Biker Bling” so I took her over to my former favorite bike shop. Those guys made me so mad. I pulled in there and immediately they started laughing and making fun of Betsy and her sidecar. I got so angry I yelled at them and then I found out they were so so stupid. They didn’t even know Betsy was a cow. They kept laughing and saying she was a “Cowl” or I needed a new “cowl” and the sidecar was ridiculous. Why would I need a new cow? I had Betsy. 
 

Anyway, thanks for posting that photo, Joe.
If you don’t mind, could you tell me where you found that. Betsy and I haven’t posed for a photographer yet and I would sure like to get a bigger copy of that to show my girl Betsy. She’ll get a kick out of that. :)

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1 hour ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Anyway, thanks for posting that photo, Joe.
If you don’t mind, could you tell me where you found that. Betsy and I haven’t posed for a photographer yet and I would sure like to get a bigger copy of that to show my girl Betsy. She’ll get a kick out of that. 

 

Just something that turned up in my FB feed.  Something about What The Future Holds, so I guess that is the photo that you will have taken sometime soon.  When you do get around to having it taken, post it,  please.  

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I for one am glad that Pat explained all of that. See I thought it was because he moved to West Virginia.

 

"Take me home, country roads..."

 

I figured since he had moved into the country he had got him a farm, and was getting the livestock.

 

Seems like I heard him say once upon a time he had a Miata. I don't see how you could bring a cow home in a Miata - no back seat 

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so putting it on the side car of your bike seemed to be the perfect solution.

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2 hours ago, Alpo said:

I for one am glad that Pat explained all of that. See I thought it was because he moved to West Virginia.

 

"Take me home, country roads..."

 

I figured since he had moved into the country he had got him a farm, and was getting the livestock.

 

Seems like I heard him say once upon a time he had a Miata. I don't see how you could bring a cow home in a Miata - no back seat 

 

so putting it on the side car of your bike seemed to be the perfect solution.

That cow's butt hole is hooked directly to a line running to the carburetor. This is AOC's solution to the energy crisis........ 

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