It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Rye Miles #13621]

[Alpo]

[PowderRiverCowboy]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Equanimous Phil]

1 hour ago, Alpo said:

 

And then get out of bed..? 

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Brock]

A man went to hospital to visit his mother-in-law who was in serious condition.

When he got home his wife asked how she was doing. He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades."

"Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!"

And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Brock]

Winston Churchill famously said, *“Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals,”

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

1 hour ago, Alpo said:

 

"If."

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

2 hours ago, Alpo said:

I can barely get my foot high enough to put on my pants!

[Alpo]

A few weeks ago, on another board, a guy posted a public service announcement for us old people. He said to sit down on the bed when you put your pants on.

 

I remember my father doing that. I ain't there yet.

 

I still stand up when I put my pants on. I lean against the wall But I'm still standing.

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

 

 

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

 

 

Someone needs to tell Jran Luc that milk goes in there also.

[Subdeacon Joe]

42 minutes ago, Alpo said:

 

 

Someone needs to tell Jran Luc that milk goes in there also.

Not so! A receipt from the 15th century, 

Libro de arte coquinaria by Maestro Martino da Como
 

rendered into modern English

 

“Take slices of bread trimmed of their crusts and make them squares, lightly toasted so they are colored by the fire on all sides. Then beat eggs with plenty of sugar and a little rose water and soak the bread slices in this, carefully remove them and fry them quickly in a pan with a little butter and lard, turning them often so they do not burn. Then arrange them on a platter, and put on top a little rose water made yellow with saffron, and a generous amount of sugar.”

— Libro de arte coquinaria by Maestro Martino da Como

Cooking & Recipes

And, from the 1300s "Le Viandier de Taillevent"

 

 

198. Tostees dorees

 

Pour faire Tostees dorees, prenez du pain blanc dur et le trenchiez par tostees quarrees et les rostir ung pou sur le grail; et avoir moyeulx d’oeufz batuz et les envelopez tres bien dedans sur le feu tant qu’elles soient belles et bien dorees et puis les oster de dedans la paelle et mettez es platz, et du succre dessus.

 

198. Tostees dorees

 

To make Glazed Toast, slice hard white bread into squares for toast, and roast them lightly on the grill, and coat them completely with beaten egg yolks; get good hot grease and glaze them in it on the fire until they are properly glazed; then take them out of the pan and put them on plates, with sugar over top. – Translation by Terence Scully

[Brock]

An old man wakes up and realizes his wife has passed

He calls up his son and says "Son, I need you to come here and give me a hand. Your mothers gone".

The son comes over to the house and together they lift her up and carry her down the stairs. Just as they reach the bottom of the stairs, the son loses his grip, and bumps her head on the floor. Miraculously the wife wakes up and goes "You idiots!"

She ceaselessly reminds them of this for the next two years.

One morning, two years later the old man wakes up and realises his wife has really passed away.

So he calls his son again. His son comes over, they lift her up and start to carry her down the stairs.

"Hang on", says the dad, "Son, be extra careful this time!"

He calls up his son a

[Alpo]

[Brock]

Patient: It must be nice to be a doctor by profession.

Doctor: What do you mean?

Patient: God does the healing but you get paid for it.

Doctor: Well, if you prefer to meet God directly…..

[Brock]

A sure sign of a low budget film. She found her husband’s Ukrainian

 

иасиорт

 

under the floorboards.

[Subdeacon Joe]

1 hour ago, Brock said:

A sure sign of a low budget film. She found her husband’s Ukrainian

 

иасиорт

 

under the floorboards.

 

Did you mean "паспорт?"

[Brock]

3 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

Did you mean "паспорт?"

No, it said иасиорт.  That’s why I said a sure sign that it was low budget. They didn’t even try to get that right.  I rewound freezeframed to triple check.

Edited August 16 by Brock

[Sedalia Dave]

22 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

Did you mean "паспорт?"

[Alpo]

20 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

According to Google translate, in Ukrainian that means yessir

 

 

[Brock]

20 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

Yes, of course. I intentioally did not explain the error

[Alpo]

As long as we're talking about Slavic languages.

 

Back when I was in junior high school I found this book. It was like the Encyclopedia Brown books - remember them? Little four or five page mysteries, and Encyclopedia Brown, the boy genius, would solve the mystery.

 

In this book the one that solved all the little minor mysteries was the school librarian.

 

This guy comes down to talk to her one day. There's a new boy at school. He's been everywhere. All around the world. And he has stories. And all of the girls are impressed.

 

One of his stories was that he was in Moscow, and there was a blizzard. He was freezing. Fortunately he saw a lit building with a sign that said restaurant. And because the Russian word and the English word are so close he knew what it said. So he went into the lit up building and he could stay warm and get something warm to eat and warm to drink. And it was all because he knew "restaurant" in Russian.

 

Librarian asked this world traveler what this says.

 

PECTOPAH

 

The world traveler kind of stumbles a little bit, and then he says that he doesn't really speak Russian. He just knows a couple of words.

 

The librarian says he doesn't have to translate it. Just pronounce it. So he puts on this real heavy fake Russian accent and says, "Pec-TOH-pah!" And the girls all look so admiringly at him.

 

The librarian informs him (and everybody else that's around and listening) that they use the Cyrillic alphabet in Russia, and that in that alphabet what looks like the English letter P is actually R. What looks like the English letter C is actually S. And what looks like the English letter H is actually N.

PECTOPAH is pronounced RESTORAN. Yep, the words sound very similar. Don't look anything alike.

 

 

Because of that story, that is one of the maybe a dozen words that I know in Russian. And just about the only one that I can spell correctly.