Brock Posted July 26 Posted July 26 Overheard ”I often refer to my wife as my ‘ex-girlfriend’” 1 2 Quote
Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 Posted July 27 Posted July 27 13 minutes ago, Alpo said: me neither ...... 5 Quote
Brock Posted July 27 Posted July 27 (edited) The names of political parties are wierd as the goals of the party change over time. The ruling party in China is the Communist Party even though the country is no longer Communist. Gaining influence in India is the Cockroach Party. Edited July 27 by Brock 1 Quote
Brock Posted July 27 Posted July 27 again, stolen from the web..... : Was managing a restaurant in the airport: Server came over and told me that a table had asked for the manager. Three people at the table, parents and their kid. Kid ordered a Margarita, but when the server carded him, he didn’t have his id. I approach the table: Me: What can I do for you? Parent: Your server is refusing to serve my son the drink he ordered. Me: To their son, may I see your ID? Kid: I don’t have it with me. Me: I’m sorry, but we do not serve anyone without their ID. Parent: That’s my son, he’s 21, that should be good enough for you, now bring him his drink. Me: I apologize sir, but I am not going to serve him without his ID, or order my server to either. Parent: That’s a bunch of crap. Why won’t you believe me and bring him his Margarita. Me: For one thing, it’s against company policy, and I like my job. For another thing, it is a felony in this State to serve minors, and I like my freedom. Sir, I see from your luggage that you are about to catch a plane. Parent: We just flew in from… Me: To the kid, did you lose your ID on the plane? I can call the airline to check for it before the plane departs. Kid: I left it at home. Me: Then how did you get on the airplane? Parent: He’ll have a coke. 4 3 Quote
Brock Posted July 27 Posted July 27 Just for the laughs I sometimes google NH liquor and wine outlet to see what the highest price booze is. For example, select bourbon and enter 500 in the min price box, max will already be there, it's 800. Or dont select the type and the top is currently over 13K so enter 5000 in the min box and see what's available for $5K up, its mostly Scotch and Brandy. Quote
Alpo Posted July 28 Posted July 28 I've known this for years. Mama spit on a Kleenex will take rust off a bumper. Spit will clean anything. 1 3 Quote
Brock Posted July 29 Posted July 29 I asked my trainer which machine I should use to impress women. He said, "The ATM." 1 4 Quote
Alpo Posted July 29 Posted July 29 Two questions. What was in the swimming pool? The two large dark things at the lake? Beavers? Quote
Brock Posted July 29 Posted July 29 https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbLcJSCS6na/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ== 2 Quote
Brock Posted July 29 Posted July 29 (edited) A parcel delivery service screws up and accidentally delivers a parcel from the middle east to a wall street consulting company. Long It ends up at the CEO's office just before lunchtime, who is just finishing up a meeting with three junior consultants, Jerry, Robert and Henry. Jerry opens the parcel and finds a magic lamp inside. He rubs it and a genie appears, offering three wishes. Jerry says: "Oh wow, finally I'm lucky, I want to be a multi-millionaire, live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!" The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Jerry vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp. Robert immediately grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, offering three wishes. Robert says: "Yeah man, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean, and you bet that I also want a bunch of hot women there!" The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Robert also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more. His colleagues gone, Henry grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears again, offering him three wishes as well. Henry says: "You know what, screw this job, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!" The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Henry also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more. Then the CEO grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, and says: "You already know the drill, three wishes, so I guess you want to be a multi-mllionaire, living in a Carribean mansion with a bunch of hot women like the last three guys?" Says the CEO: "Nah, no need. I'm already a billionaire and own several mansions on several islands all over the world, and have my share of hot mistresses in every single one of them. Just get me a coffee." Says the genie: "Done, here's your coffee, you have two wishes left." Says the CEO: "Well, if I think about it, I do not like the hassle of hiring new personnel. So I wish for the last three guys to be back at their desks after lunch, and transfer all their assets to my name so they can't quit." Edited July 29 by Brock 1 2 Quote
Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L Posted July 29 Posted July 29 7 hours ago, Alpo said: The two large dark things at the lake? Beavers? Capybaras. 1 Quote
Subdeacon Joe Posted July 29 Author Posted July 29 "How did you know where the emergency equipment was?" (shrug) "Bright red boxes and big white labels usually contain useful stuff. " 2 Quote
Brock Posted July 30 Posted July 30 I was very young when this took place, and did not understand it very well until, later, some of my older cousins explained it to me. My father’s youngest brother loved practical jokes. He had a group of friends who were always trying to prank each other. When one of the group would get married, my uncle would really increased the pranks and jokes. When his friends all said, “Just wait until its your turn to get married,” my uncle said, “I’m never going to get married.” Famous Last Words. Of course, eventually, a young lady came into his life and he fell like a poleaxed steer. When she agreed to marry him, he told her of his past jokes and warned her, “They’re going to want to get revenge. Be ready.” But everything went as smooth as silk: no jokes, not pranks, not even a laughing aside— Until the famous words, “If any person shall know of a reason that these two should not be married, them speak now or forever hold their peace.” From the door of the church, a voice rang out, “STOP THE WEDDING!” There in the door stood a man in farmer’s overalls, holding a shotgun in one hand and the hand of a weeping, very pregnant young lady in the other. In shocked silence, the two strode to the front. The farmer looked very hard at my uncle. He looked very hard at the bride, Then he slowly looked around at the crowd and the sanctuary. Suddenly, he barked, “Wrong church!” and he and the young lady ran out before anyone could stop them. 10 Quote
Subdeacon Joe Posted July 30 Author Posted July 30 Found on Quora: Question: Are there any memorable or unusual items you've found in Navy box lunches during your service? Answer: I was talking to an air crewman once about boxed lunches. He started the conversation by thanking us for making good ones. I didn’t think ours were anything special. They were ham and cheese sandwiches, chips, fruit and a drink. Pretty standard stuff, by all accounts. Then I leaned that some ships didn’t bother to put in that much effort. On his last deployment, they received a bag of sliced white bread, a jar of peanut butter and a plastic knife. He asked me if I’d ever tried to make peanut butter sandwiches on a helicopter, while flying, with a plastic knife? No, my friend, I have not." 5 Quote
Brock Posted July 31 Posted July 31 My wife said "You scum, youve been seeing that woman from Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu again, haven't you? I said "How can you say that?" 4 Quote
Brock Posted August 1 Posted August 1 A vagabond in 18th century England was exhausted and famished when he came to a tavern called George and the Dragon. He knocked and the innkeeper’s wife answered through a window. Could ye spare a bit of victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No” she shouted. "Could I have a sip of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?" 2 5 Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.