It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Subdeacon Joe]

2 hours ago, John Kloehr said:

Don't take your pet rock for granite.

 

It's not gneiss of you to keep posting schist like this.   

[Subdeacon Joe]

Tonight is like a combination of Christmas Eve and the night before a colonoscopy

[sassnetguy50]

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A business man has arrived in a city that he doesn’t know very well. He asks a stranger for directions to the building where his meeting is to be held. The stranger kindly tells the business man that it is just a short walk away and provides directions.

While walking to the meeting he sees a rather large building ahead with a sign that identifies it as a home for troubled children. He notices that the building is fully surrounded by a tall wooden fence.

While approaching the building he hears children chanting “13” over and over. Ahead he notices a knot is missing in the fence. Curious, he bends over to look through the knot hole to see what the chanting of the number 13 is all about. As he starts to look through the knot hole someone inside pokes him in the eye with a stick. He reels away in pain as the chant turns to 14, 14, 14 over and over.

[Alpo]

True story.

 

I have (HAD) flown to Puerto Rico to spend some time with my daughter and my granddaughter. And when I get to the airport, I take out my cell phone and I call her. She says she's at the airport, and she will come pick me up. What gate am I at?

 

Hell if I know. And I'm looking around for a sign, and don't see any. And this guy comes walking toward me, and I stop him.

 

"Excuse me sir. What gate is this?"

 

A

 

"Thank you." And he continues on his merry way. And I picked my phone up and I tell my daughter that I am at gate A. And she informs me that the airport has no gate A.

 

I start to get a little annoyed. Damn Puertorican. "Let's screw with the gringo day"?

 

And while I'm seething, I'm looking up, for divine assistance? And I know this (NOTICE) on the building a hundred feet or so away from me up at the top of it is a large capital D.

 

Hmmm. And I turn and look at the top of the building that I just came out of, and there is a large capital E.

 

And you know what? Many sounds are pronounced different in Spanish. And the letter E is pronounced A.

 

So I tell my daughter that I'm at gate E, and a few minutes later she pulls up, and we load my stuff up in her car and we go to her place.

 

Foreign languages can be fun.

Edited November 7 by Alpo

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[John Kloehr]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Stolen from the web…

 

Reminds me of a time when a friend wanted to get rid of an old refrigerator, so he stood it on the side of the road with a sign saying “free to a good home, works fine”.
He was surprised that it stood there for three days - no takers.
A friend suggested he should put a sign up saying it’s for sale and see what happens.
So the next morning he made op a new sign “FOR SALE, 50 POUNDS”
Within an hour someone had stolen it.

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

How is Christmas like your job?

 

 

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[John Kloehr]

When AI writes a county song:

 

 

[Sedalia Dave]

On 11/6/2024 at 7:25 PM, Alpo said:

 

This explains a lot. 

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Boudreau goes to a revival. Preacher; what do you want us to pray for? Boudreau; pray for my hearing. Preacher puts his fingers in Boudreau's ears and everybody prays. Preacher; how is your hearing? Boudreau; I don't know yet, my hearing is not until next Wednesday at the Saint Martinville Courthouse.

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

55 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

Condor

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

 

Two men, properly attired as British gentlemen, tapping their furled umbrellas on the pavement as they walked to their club, whilst happily exchanging news of the day with one another.

Walking toward them from the opposite direction are two white-gloved very curvy attractive ladies in smart attire with jaunty hats festooned with ribbons and feathers.

The gentlemen angle toward the edge of the pavement, allowing the ladies safe passage between them and the imposing facades of Lombard Street. As they pass, the men tip their hats, and the ladies reply with a coquettish smile and nod.

In a few moments, one of the gentlemen says to the other, “Jove, Harry! I believe we just passed my wife and my mistress!” To which Harry replied, You don’t mean it, James! I was thinking the same thing!”

 

[Eyesa Horg]

On 11/10/2024 at 9:15 AM, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said:

Condor

Another Condor

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Five year old Simon was in Summer Bible Camp. His teacher had asked the class to draw their favorite Bible story. When she looked at Simon’s drawing, he had drawn an airplane. The teacher asked who were the people in the plane. Simon started from the back window and said, “This is Joseph.” On the next window he said “This is Mary.” And in the front window, he said “This is the Baby Jesus.” The teacher then asked why he had drawn them in an airplane. Simon said “It’s for their flight out of Egypt.” The teacher then asked who is sitting in the cockpit and Simon replies “Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot.”

[Alpo]