It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Subdeacon Joe]

2 hours ago, Alpo said:

 

From the original Chinese via Sami, Magyar,  Basque,  Na-Dene, and from there into English. 

[Alpo]

This woman has made several videos. She will take a song using Google translate it she will translate it to another language and then to another language and then do another language and eventually back into English.

 

The subtitles at the bottom is what she is actually singing. The subtitles at the top are the correct lyrics.

 

Actually, since they were at the top, I guess they would be super titles.

 

 

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Judge: "This is a very brutal act. If you want the court to reduce your sentence, you'll need to explain the motive behind your action."

Man: "She’s so dumb that I just had to kill her."

Judge: "What you're saying isn't helping your case at all. If you don’t want the jury to condemn you right away, you should offer at least one mitigating explanation."

The man starts talking: "It happened like this. We live in an apartment building. On the first floor, there’s a family with three kids. The problem is that their kids are naturally small—between 80 and 90 cm tall. One day, I came home, and my wife said, 'Something’s wrong with our neighbors. Their kids are real Pyrenees.'

I said, 'No, you mean Pygmies.'

'No,' she said, 'A pygmy is something under your skin that causes freckles.'

I said, 'That’s pigment.'

'No,' she said, 'pigment is what the ancient Romans wrote on.'

I said, 'That’s parchment!'

'No,' she said, 'parchment is when a poet starts something but doesn’t finish it...'

'Your Honor, you have to appreciate that I held back from mentioning the word fragment. I sat down in my chair and started reading the newspaper. Then she came up to me and said something that made me realize she belonged in a mental institution.'

She said, 'Honey, look at this!'

She opened a book, pointed to a passage, and said: 'The parasol of the handbag was the teacher of the pimp 15.'

I took the book and calmly explained, 'But darling, this is a French book. It says: La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Louis XV, which means: "The Marquise de Pompadour was the mistress of Louis XV."'

'No,' my wife insisted, 'you have to translate it word for word: La Marquise = parasol, Pompadour = handbag, la Maitresse = teacher, Louis XV = pimp 15. And I should know; I hired an excellent legionnaire to teach me French.'

I said, 'You mean a lector.'

'No,' she said, ' Lector was an ancient Greek hero.'

I said, 'That was Hector, and he was from Troy.'

'No,' she said, 'Hector is a unit of area.'

I said, 'That’s a hectare!'

'No,' she said, 'a hectare is a drink of the gods.'

I said, 'That’s nectar!'

'No,' she said, 'Nectar is a river in southern Germany.'

I said, 'That’s the Neckar!'

Then my wife said, 'You remember that lovely song about the Rhine and the Nectar that we sang as a duo recently?'

I said, 'That’s called a duet.'

'No,' she said, 'a duet is when two men fight with swords.'

I said, 'That’s a duel!'

'No,' she said, 'a duel is a hole in a hill where trains go through.'

'And at that point, Your Honor, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed a hammer and beat her to death.'

There was a moment of silence. Then the judge stood up and declared the verdict:

'Acquitted! I would have killed her at Hector.'"

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

20 hours ago, Alpo said:

Actually, since they were at the top, I guess they would be super titles.

 

Or superscription.  

I used to play that translation game when I knew I would be on hold for a long time.  Take a line from a play or song, run it through 5 or 6 languages and back to English.  Sometimes the results would bear some semblance to the original.  

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

 

A greedy old man wanted to take it with him when he died. He told his wife to fill two pillow cases with cash, and leave them in the attic. As his soul ascended to Heaven he’d pass through the ceiling into the attic, grab the cash, and continue his ascent to the Pearly Gates.

After he died his wife went into the attic and found the money still there. She said, “I knew I should have put it in the basement!”

[Alpo]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Subdeacon Joe]

DANG!  Almost missed it. 

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

 

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

5 hours ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

 

 

 

 ..... we all know that the answer is "C" ......  🙃🙂🙃

    ............ right ???

[Alpo]

Only in Peru

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The First Joke in English

A book of Anglo-Saxon poetry from the 10th century includes what researchers believe could be the first recorded joke in the English language: “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?” The punchline? Get your mind out of the gutter: “A key.”

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A husband wakes up with The Mother Of All Hangovers.

He dreads the lecture he’s about to get as this isn’t exactly his first time having stayed out too late and had a few too many. But instead as he rolls over he sees two aspirin, a glass of water and his clothes neatly folded.

Taking the pills, he gets up to head down the hall… suddenly remembering he got violently sick in the hall when he came home. Dreading the mess, he opens the door and sees everything neat and clean.

Confused, he goes down the hall and sees his wife sitting there with a big plate of breakfast. He looks at her and says “Uhhh… this isn’t exactly what I expected this morning.”

She says, “Well I admit, I was pretty mad, but then you said something last night that made a difference.”

He answers, “Uhhh, what did I say?”

She says, “When you were in the bed, I started to take your pants off, you said ‘Hey knock that off, leave me alone lady, I’m married!”

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

2 hours ago, Alpo said:

a six year old first grader named Calvin is suspected.

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

3 hours ago, Alpo said:

 

55 minutes ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

a six year old first grader named Calvin is suspected.

Last seen running away with a stuffed tiger in hand.

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

36 minutes ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

 

 

 

A few years ago, my wife and I went to England to visit her relatives and do some sight-seeing. Well, she told me that since she had driven in England before that she should do the driving. Okay. On the way to her cousin's house, about 25 miles from the airport, she hit the curb a few times and we had a tire go flat after we arrived. 

 

The next morning she said - "Maybe you should drive from now on!"  

[Subdeacon Joe]

Never gets old.

 

 

 

 

[John Kloehr]

Happy Halloween!

 

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned.

“Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!”

“Oh, yes – what did it say?”

“Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!”

“Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?”

“Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!”

“Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses.

“Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!”

“Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”

[Alpo]

Ah, the reset button.

 

I bought an electric lawn mower. It came with a 2-year warranty. 5 years later it quit. Well, I got my two years out of it. It was a good lawn mower. So I bought another one.

 

2 months before it went out of warranty, this one quit. I get in touch with the company. Tell them their lawn mower quit and it's still in warranty and how we going to handle this?

 

I get a response from customer service. Try this, and if that doesn't work, simply push the reset button.

 

The reset button??!?!!?? When this one quit, it quit exactly like the first one quit. And I had not thrown the first one away. It was sitting over there in the corner of the shed. If these things have a reset button, and pushing that will get it to work again? Damn. I will now have two working lawn mowers. Don't know what it would be useful to have two working lawn mowers for but I would have to working lawn mowers. Maybe sell one at a yard sale.

 

So I go through that owner's manual with a fine tooth comb. Then I write back to the company, asking exactly where the reset button is. Because there is no mention of it in the owner's manual.

 

Much more time was spent with emails going back and forth between the company and myself, but I never interacted with that particular customer service rep again.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Two lumps of Tarmac standing in a pub. One says, "I'm hard, I am; I can take anything. I was on a motorway, and there were thousands of cars a day. The other lump of Tarmac said I'm as Hard as you. I was on a High Street with thousands of people and cars every day. The two lumps of Tarmac squared up and eyed each other. Then Motorway Tarmac ducked down and said to Highstreet Tarmac keep your head down; that lump of Tarmac that just walked in is a bloody cycle path.

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to

speak to his client,

"So listen, already, Saul, I have some good news and I

have some bad news."

The art collector replied,

"I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said,

"Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that

she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of

$15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically,

"Well done! My wife is a brilliant

businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad

news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied,

"The pictures are of you and your secretary ……

 

[Blackwater 53393]

Yeah