It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

3 hours ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

there's smoke comming outa the petrol tank ...... ain't that a bit dangerous ?  

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Chicken Rustler, SASS #26680]

16 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

This wannabe teacher is an idiot. Are they supposed to check the facts or are they supposed to not look at the ceiling? 

Edited April 28, 2023 by Chicken Rustler, SASS #26680

[Subdeacon Joe]

4 minutes ago, Chicken Rustler, SASS #26680 said:

This wannabe teacher is an idiot. Are they supposed to check the facts or are they supposed to not look at the ceiling? 

 

I think he was trying to tell them to not blindly trust what "experts" were telling them, but to verify it for themselves.

[Alpo]

3 hours ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

there's smoke comming outa the petrol tank ...... ain't that a bit dangerous ?  

I thought the spare tire was on fire

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Cactus Jack Calder]

11 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

Joe, are they trying to tell you something? 

 

CJ

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

1 hour ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

 I'm glad I don't use Apple ......  

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Boudreaux and Marie were speeding along on the Interstate 10, high rise bridge over Whisky Bay when Boudreaux saw the red-light flashing in the rearview window

Boudreaux pulled over as well as he could to the side of the bridge. The State Trooper walked up to the window with his clipboard in his hand.

He axed, "Did you know that you were going 80 miles an hour and the speed limit on this bridge is 60."

Boudreaux looked at the carpet of the truck for the cigarette he dropped. He said, "Nope. I was going 60."

The Trooper sounded fed up as he looked at his clip board and said, 

"Nope. I clocked you at 80." The trooper looked over at Marie sitting looking out of the passenger window at the cypress trees in the water. The Trooper said,

"Mam, I clocked the man at 80. He said he was going 60. Now you tell me. Was he going 60 or 80?"

Marie said, "I never argue with Boudreaux when he's been drinking

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

One day, the loneliness of a 70-year-old widow made her put an ad in the local newspaper that she wanted to marry again. It read:

“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

The next day, the doorbell rang, and when she opened the door, she saw a gray-haired gentleman in a wheelchair, with no legs or arms.

She said: “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you-you have no legs!”

The old man smiled gently, and replied: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

The old lady, still objecting, said: “You don’t have any arms either!”

This made the old man smile again: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

Before the next question, the old lady raised her eyebrow and asked: “Are you still good in bed?”

The old man leaned back, and with a grin on his face, said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

9 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

  ..... sounds a fair excuse .....  

[Alpo]

That's funny, but I can't help but wonder how the UPS driver got up to the front door to leave that hang tag. You know, if there was a bear in the driveway so he couldn't get up to the door to deliver the package.

[Subdeacon Joe]

6 minutes ago, Alpo said:

That's funny, but I can't help but wonder how the UPS driver got up to the front door to leave that hang tag. You know, if there was a bear in the driveway so he couldn't get up to the door to deliver the package.

 

I thought about that too.  Maybe stuck it on the mailbox or in a fence.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this... How much does he send you”

The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

You might be a Cajun if

 

…you start an angel food cake with a roux.

...watching the "wild kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.

...you think the head of the united nations is Boudreaux/ Boudreax-Guillory.

...you think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.

...you think Ground Hog Day and Boucherie day are the same holiday.

...you take a bite of 5-alarm Texas chili and reach for the Tabasco.

...Fred's lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.

...you pass up a trip abroad to go to the crawfish festival in Breaux Bridge.

...your children's favorite bedtime story begins "first you make a roux..."

...your description of a gourmet dinner includes the words "deep fat fried."

...your mama announces each morning, "well, I've got the rice cooking-what will we have for dinner?"

...you greet your long lost friend at the Lafayette international airport with "iiiiieeeeeee!"

...you sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "don't eat the dead ones" and you know what he means.

...you don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.

...you gave up Tabasco for lent.

...you know the difference between Zatarains, Zeringue, and Zydeco.

...your dog thinks the bed of your pickup is his kennel.

...any of your dessert recipes call for jalapenos.

...you consider Opelousas the capital of the state, and Lafayette the capital of the nation.

...you think the four seasons are: duck, rabbit, deer, squirrel.

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. Bag of coffee, And 1 lb. Package of bacon.

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the Front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and When she sees the nail, She tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another Ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,  "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
 

[Rip Snorter]

6 minutes ago, Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485 said:

life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
 

Being on a roll takes on new meaning!

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 pounds

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Rip Snorter]

On 4/28/2023 at 1:41 PM, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 I'm glad I don't use Apple ......  

Must be AI, it is beginning!