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'Mater Sandwich


Subdeacon Joe

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Do this. Get a tomato. Not just any tomato. A Slocomb, Alabama, tomato. Make sure the tomato is firecracker-red and softer than the hindcheeks of a 2-month-old. Find a serrated knife. Cut said tomato into thick slices about the width of the unabridged edition of “Shogun.” 

 

Tomatoes from Geneva County, Alabama, are different from common varieties. They are superior tomatoes. 

 

In fact, top archaeology scholars at Columbia University now believe that the original Garden of Eden was located just north of Highway 52 in Geneva County. And most experts agree that the forbidden fruit consumed by Adam and Eve was originally purchased from the Hendrix Farm Produce tomato stand.   

 

Next, find two slices of Sunbeam bread. In a pinch, you can use Bunny Bread, Wonderbread, or Colonial bread. But stay away from any bread with packaging labels that read something like, “59 whole grains and seeds!” or “3,234 grams of dietary fiber!” This isn’t real bread but an abrasive material meant for sanding boat hulls. 

 

Consequently, if all you have in your pantry is “gluten-free” or “keto” bread, please stop reading here and go back to California. 

 

Once you have your white, floppy, flaccid, tasteless bread ready, open a jar of Duke’s mayonnaise. Duke’s is the brand with the canary-yellow lid, manufactured and packaged by real evangelical seminary graduates so you know it’s sacred, mostly. 

 

If you don’t have any Duke’s, you’re not totally out of luck. Blue Plate mayonnaise will also work nicely. Bama mayonnaise is also a winner. 

 

Hellmann’s, however, isn’t fit for consumption by a golden retriever. Similarly, Miracle Whip is neither a “miracle,” nor a “whip,” but the brainchild of communists sympathizers who don’t love the Lord. And Kraft mayo is industrial doorknob lubricant.  

 

It bears mentioning, if all you have in your refrigerator is a kind of mayonnaise labeled “light” or “low fat” please forfeit your tomato to someone who will use it correctly and resume doing Crossfit until your buttocks turn into tiny shriveled prunes. 

 

Next, use a No. 8 masonry trowel to apply approximately one gallon of approved mayonnaise onto your limp, lifeless, nutrition-free bread. If the bread is still visible after mayonnaise application, you did it wrong. 

 

Step Four. Carefully place slices of tomato onto your prepared bread. If, by chance, your bread has already absorbed too much mayonnaise and tomato juices and is now disintegrating into a papier-mache-like puddle on your kitchen counter, and it no longer resembles bread, congratulations, you’re on the right track. 

 

Salt and pepper to taste. 

 

If you discover that you are tempted to add cheese or onions or lettuce or something else weird to your sandwich, thereby violating the Holy Trinity of tomatoes, mayo and bread, please step away from the cutting board. Take deep breaths, open a can of Natural Light and start sipping until the urge passes.  

 

Next, place both segments of your sandwich together slowly and softly. Warning: Do not compress sandwich. Do not cut sandwich in half. Do not even blink or your sandwich will fall apart.  

 

Now, gently lift your sandwich—very gently—as though you are assisting in a heart transplant operation. Walk across the kitchen and stand over the sink. Say grace silently. 

 

Go ahead, we’ll wait.  

 

To eat sandwich, open mouth wide, place one corner into mouth and bite firmly. Your tomato wedges should slip from between the pieces of bread, shooting forward, falling directly into your sink, leaving you with two naked pieces of bread. If this does not happen you did not use enough mayonnaise.  

 

Retrieve tomato hunks from the basin of your nasty, crud-covered, salmonella-encrusted sink while cussing liberally. 

 

Replace mangled remains of tomato onto sandwich and attempt to eat sandwich a second time, making sure to mash your soggy, glutenous, snot-like bread pieces together until they are indistinguishable from lumps of Elmer’s Glue. 

 

After the third or fourth bite, the front of your shirt should be stained red, covered in tiny seeds and your kitchen should look like a hog killing has recently been performed on the linoleum. 

 

When your sandwich expenditure is finished, you can slap yourself heartily on the shoulder because you have just eaten a proper tomato sandwich. You may now recite the ceremonial benediction uttered by Alabamians statewide every summer: 

 

“Thank you, Lord, for bananas, 

“Granny Smiths and Tropicana, 

“But most of all, for all the ‘maters,

“Raised in Slocomb, Alabama.”

 

Amen.

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Dukes Mayonnaise? I was open up to that point. 
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My idea of a good tomato sandwich. 
Vine ripened red ripe tomatoes. Sliced about 1/4” thick. Dave’s “White bread done right” bread, 2 slices.  Best Foods / Hellman’s mayonnaise on both slices of bread. Tomato slices placed strategically covering all exposed mayo covered bread of one of the slices of bread. A couple of dashes of black pepper on the mayo of the other slice of bread then place that slice mayo down on the tomatoes. Slice and eat. Enjoy!

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I ain't never tried Dukes, so I couldn't tell you. But they was right about both Bama and Blue Plate, both of which have been eating all my life. Also about Hellman's, which is nasty.

 

And sandwiches - normal sandwiches, like tomato or grilled cheese - are made on white bread. Not brown, not whole wheat, damn sure not multigrain. White. And soft.

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Gotta agree on almost everything! However, try the maters on a really fresh Kaiser roll sometime or a cat's head biscuit!

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When I was a boy, sometimes during the summer I'd go with my dad on his preaching trips from ga to Virginia.  

 

Sometimes we stayed with these two deacons who were twin brothers who ran a 500 acre dairy farm.  Their mom lived in the original home with pot bellied stove on the farm.

 

Every night they'd load up a heap of mayo on bread, take a mountain of thick sliced tomatoes and enough pepper to turn the maters black, and another heap of mayo .  It was their bed time snack.  That and I'd get real fresh milk.  Wonderful times.

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I don't find much difference between one mayonnaise and the next.  Some have a bit more tang than others, but unless you are eating it by itself it is a subtle background note.  

 

But my version of the Tomato Sandwich is two slices of white bread, each spread with about one TBS of mayo, layer one slice with thin slices of tomato to about half an inch thick, with plenty of pepper on each layer, then some coarse salt on the last layer.  Top with the second slice of bread.

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2 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Well, if you think Hellman’s is nasty you will probably love Duke’s. :blink:

It is and I do.:P

 

Ate Blue Plate until they changed the recipe.  Swapped to Kraft- until they changed, too.  We eat Dukes now.

 

All I want for a tomato sandwich is tomato (preferably one of the Beefsteak varieties, so it's wider than the bread) cut as thick as my finger with a little black pepper  and garlic salt sprinkled on it and mayo.  The mater goes on one side, gets seasoned, the mayo on the other, so the garlic salt and pepper can mix with the tomato juices and the mayo.

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I never cared for Kraft Mayo, but it’s okay. Duke’s just tastes weird to me. I can’t explain it. Out west we have Best Foods mayo and it’s supposedly made the same as Hellman’s in the same plants. According to this they are. Best Foods bought Hellman’s in 1932. Now both brand names are owned by Unilever. Now that’s an appetizing name.  :wacko:
 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hellmann's_and_Best_Foods

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That sangwidge needs some onion and a big ol’ thick slab of fried bologna on it!!

 

Could stand a big mug of cold RC cola ta’ go with it!

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1 hour ago, El diablo gringo said:

I don’t get it, who eats a sandwich made out of 2 condiments :D

 

Gringo

Some things can't be explained, only experienced.  For the full impact, it needs to be a tomato that was home grown and freshly picked.

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2 hours ago, El diablo gringo said:

I don’t get it, who eats a sandwich made out of 2 condiments :D

 

Gringo

 

1 hour ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

I agree.  A real good sandwich should have enough different ingredients to set your taste bud to arguing with each other.

 

 

MISGUIDED, MISBEGOTTEN HEATHENS!  

SASSENACHS!

Were you worth another word I'd call you knaves!

The idea behind the Tomato Sandwich is to elevate that tomato to its true glory, not to use is as nothing but a garnish on a roast pork with lettuce, tomato, pepper jack cheese, with mustard an mayo on sourdough sandwich.


 

 

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There's one thing about tomato sandwiches that was mentioned that I disagree with.

 

I don't want an overripe tomato. 

 

It's still got to be ripe- but not so ripe that it's gone all squishy. 

 

You can't get clean slices out of those ones for love nor money.  I want it fully ripened- but still crisp when you bite into it.  Save the too ripe for sandwiches ones for cooking with or for salads.

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32 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

 

 

MISGUIDED, MISBEGOTTEN HEATHENS!  

SASSENACHS!

Were you worth another word I'd call you knaves!

The idea behind the Tomato Sandwich is to elevate that tomato to its true glory, not to use is as nothing but a garnish on a roast pork with lettuce, tomato, pepper jack cheese, with mustard an mayo on sourdough sandwich.


 

 

You forgot bologna, ham, turkey, chicken, salami and burgers.  Or better yet gut them and fill them with egg salad and relish.  Or eat them plain with just salt.  But you have perked my attention and I shall have one of your (SOO VERY PLAIN) concoctions for lunch today.  Merci bien. 

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3 minutes ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

You forgot bologna, ham, turkey, chicken, salami and burgers.  Or better yet gut them and fill them with egg salad and relish.  Or eat them plain with just salt.  But you have perked my attention and I shall have one of your (SOO VERY PLAIN) concoctions for lunch today.  Merci bien. 

The key to a good tomato sandwich is freshness. 

 

Freshly picked, vine ripened tomato washed off, sliced up and put on a sandwich made with fresh bread.

 

Since you crave complication, drizzle a bit of olive oil on the slice of bread before you add the slice of tomato.

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12 minutes ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

bologna, ham, turkey, chicken, salami and burgers.

 

That's way too much stuff to put on a roast pork sandwich.  :D

 

14 minutes ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

But you have perked my attention and I shall have one of your (SOO VERY PLAIN) concoctions for lunch today.  Merci bien.

 

Thank you.  I aim to please.

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46 minutes ago, Smuteye John SASS#24774 said:

There's one thing about tomato sandwiches that was mentioned that I disagree with.

 

I don't want an overripe tomato. 

 

It's still got to be ripe- but not so ripe that it's gone all squishy. 

 

You can't get clean slices out of those ones for love nor money.  I want it fully ripened- but still crisp when you bite into it.  Save the too ripe for sandwiches ones for cooking with or for salads.

Agreed! I don’t care for over ripe tomatoes when making sandwiches or salads. 

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37 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

That's way too much stuff to put on a roast pork sandwich.  :D

 

 

Thank you.  I aim to please.

Well, I tried your recipe, but, and there is always a but, I was obliged to substitute your ingredients with what I had available: so I used "Kraft Real Mayo", Pepperidge Farm Potato bread, and a relatively fresh tomato from the grocery store.  I must admit that I really liked it.   I shall sing the praises of your concoction to my children.

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14 minutes ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

Well, I tried your recipe, but, and there is always a but, I was obliged to substitute your ingredients with what I had available: so I used "Kraft Real Mayo", Pepperidge Farm Potato bread, and a relatively fresh tomato from the grocery store.  I must admit that I really liked it.   I shall sing the praises of your concoction to my children.

 

 

Works for me!  I prefer sourdough because it is usually a bit sturdier than regular bread.  Mayo, as I mentioned somewhere above, is all pretty much the same.  

I just noticed that I forgot to mention salt and pepper on the sandwich.

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1 hour ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

 

Works for me!  I prefer sourdough because it is usually a bit sturdier than regular bread.  Mayo, as I mentioned somewhere above, is all pretty much the same.  

I just noticed that I forgot to mention salt and pepper on the sandwich.

I like garlic salt instead of regular salt on tomato sandwiches.

 

It's about the only reason the bottle of garlic salt is in the house, to tell the truth.  My Dad raises garlic for something to do, so there's always fresh garlic about for cooking.

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2 minutes ago, Smuteye John SASS#24774 said:

I like garlic salt instead of regular salt on tomato sandwiches.

 

It's about the only reason the bottle of garlic salt is in the house, to tell the truth.  My Dad raises garlic for something to do, so there's always fresh garlic about for cooking.

 

I almost never use garlic salt or garlic powder for anything.  Sometimes in a rub or to make garlic toast.  There is something about garlic powder that often makes my throat sore.

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Please, you’ve just have to add prosciutto, soppressata, wet mozzarella, roasted peppers and some tomatoes (preferably sun dried).  Nix the mayo and add the balsamic vinaigrette on a nice loaf of bread. 
Eating that other thing is just a travesty. :D

 

Gringo

 

 

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The suggestion of garlic salt makes me wonder about trying celery salt next time.

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1 hour ago, El diablo gringo said:

Please, you’ve just have to add prosciutto, soppressata, wet mozzarella, roasted peppers and some tomatoes (preferably sun dried).  Nix the mayo and add the balsamic vinaigrette on a nice loaf of bread. 
Eating that other thing is just a travesty. :D

 

Gringo

 

 

While it sounds delicious (and, no doubt, the Italians have a specific name for that combination), it's not a TOMATO sandwich- it's merely a sandwich with tomato ON it.

 

The beauty is the simplicity. 

 

All you need is tomato, bread and mayo. 

 

Salt (garlic, celery, table or sea, it doesn't matter) and pepper are just add-ons.

 

Now, if you want to compare complicated regional sandwiches, I'll have to introduce you to the 'junkyard dog' variant of the local region's contribution to the culinary world- the "scramble dog".  B)

 

It's basically an open-faced chili dog on steroids.  Definitely a knife and fork kind of meal.

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That ‘mater sammich needs some GAHNISH!!

 

 

OH!! YEAH!!  Some nice medium crisp BACON!!

 

That’s the ticket!!!

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2 hours ago, Blackwater 53393 said:

That ‘mater sammich needs some GAHNISH!!

 

 

OH!! YEAH!!  Some nice medium crisp BACON!!

 

That’s the ticket!!!

Garnish?

 

Oh, you mean the double handful of Lay's potato chips that are on the side!  Maybe, a kosher dill pickle spear, too?

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