Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 The Red Suit Late fall of ’87, I decided to buy myself a new suit. Red. With white trim. Seasonal, for sure. Yup! I was going to buy myself a gen-u-wine Santa Suit! For years I’d toyed with the idea of having my own outfit, but never had the means or reason to make the purchase. Well, come to think of it, I still had no reason to, other than a whimsical desire. I did have the means, however, so I surrendered to the notion and set about shopping. Of course, there was no Internet. And no Amazon Dot Com, where now you can choose from literally hundreds of getups whilst lounging in your recliner. However, we DID still have that mainstay of pre-cyber shopping, the Sears Roebuck catalog. And, by golly, Messrs. Sears and Roebuck had a pretty darn good selection of their own. I was in! I studied the entries. I compared every listed feature, and not knowing any “Santas” personally nor having our modern one-through-five star rating scales, finally made my decision. As I recall, it was not the MOST expensive model; somehow I just couldn’t justify red velvet. Just didn’t seem practical at all. I eventually decided on a “middle of the pack” model (which I thought was actually better!) and made the call. Credit card in hand, speaking with a real human being (she actually giggled when I told her the catalog number and description), and asked that it be delivered to my office, in San Francisco, rather than our home in Vallejo. A week or so later, the mailroom kid plopped a surprisingly small box onto my desk. Compact, but full of cool stuff! Red pants. Red coat, with white faux fur trim. Red hat, also with white faux fur trim. Funky black vinyl belt with a honkin’ big buckle, and funky black vinyl “boot tops” to wear with any black shoes. Also with white faux fur trim. Oh! And of course, the beard! It too was funky, but would do for the time being. All in all, I was plumb tickled. Now, come on Christmas! Of course, Christmas finally arrived. My bride of less than a year and a half had to work Christmas eve, but that worked out well. After leaving our friend’s party early, we made it home in time for her to change into her scrubs, load up a basket of holiday snacks and head off to her “night shift” job as a nurse in the local Kaiser Hospital emergency room (they don’t like the term “graveyard shift” in hospitals, I’ve noticed). A quick kiss goodnight, and she was off. And I shifted into “scramble mode.” Pulling gifts out of hiding and gift wrapping, then strategically placing under the tree. Staging goodies for breakfast in the morning. And, most importantly, staging my spanking-brand-new Santa suit! Morning came. I was up early… the bride was due home about nine A M and I was going to be ready. Sure ‘nuff, right on time – actually, not… she was about forty-five minutes late. More on that in a moment. But I heard her drive up and I was ready. The door of the “Titian Red” Volkswagen Jetta closed. There was a rustle of bags, the creak from the screen door, slight rattle of the key in the lock. The door swung inward, the bride stepped into the room, but before she could close the door she gasped and dropped her parcels. She stared uncomprehendingly and wide-eyed at a strange, bewhiskered man in red, with white hair cascading from beneath his red cap. Seated in the rocker next to the Christmas tree, booted feet stretched out in front. Sound asleep in her living room, snoring softly, little glasses perched atop a round nose, open mouth in a perfect “O” shape peeking through the lush white foliage of the full beard and mustache. As she stood there, paralyzed, the man suddenly yawned, stretched wide, opened his eyes and, spotting the exhausted and astonished nurse, let loose with a hearty “HO Ho ho…! Merrrry Christmas!” It was perfect, as it turned out. Evidently, it had been a horrible night in the ER, with the staff having to deal with unspeakable crises on the special eve. The Santa shock broke the grip of depression that had held her… and in short order she was smiling . Gifts exchanged, breakfast pastries – and eggnog – downed, and I was advised that we were off to visit our friends Bob and Melissa; Mel had shared the horrid evening, and my bride thought she too would be be cheered up by a visit from Santa. Besides, we had gifts for them. And Mel indeed was delighted. The following Christmas, I donned the suit for a midnight visit to my niece, Mary. After that, it saw very little use for several years. Once for photos with my infant son, Christmas of ’91, then back into the box. By 1994, the “Kid” was three years old and about to spend his first Christmas at our new home in the country. It was time. We explained to him the Santa role, and told him that we just MIGHT get a glimpse of the Jolly Old Elf on Christmas Eve. Sure enough, about midnight, his ma woke the lad and the two of ‘em hid in the laundry room. As they peeked past the pocket door, though the kitchen and dining area into the “library,” Santa himself hove into view! Dragging a large red bag stuffed with goodies, the fat li’l guy stocked the tree apron with a sizeable pile of gifts, then slipped out of sight with a soft “Ho ho ho..!” Although he was trembling with excitement, the youngster had no problem climbing into Mom and Dad’s bed and slipping back into a deep and sound sleep. Shortly after sunrise, though, his eyes popped open, he sat bolt-upright, and declared “Mom! Dad! We gotta get up!! Santa came last night! Let’s GO!” Well, I was still darned sleepy, and suggested he venture forth, investigate, and report back. Nothing doing! We HAD to get up and go with him! Okay. We did. Hot mugs of coffee in hand, Christmas music playing in the background, we were finding tremendous joy in watching the li’l guy open his gifts. Suddenly, he looked at me, and with a sly grin made the observation “Hey, Dad! Know you what? Santa has boots EXACTLY like yours! Heh heh heh….” Uh oh. Not quite busted, but darned close. By the following Christmas, I had worked out a plan. A week or so before the holiday, I visited my friend Dan. Dan had a daughter about a year older than Ryan, and we worked out a strategy: We would each dress in the suit, and visit each other’s house on Christmas Eve, waking the kids, who would suspect nothing, since each would have their Dad present when Santa appeared. And, to make sure they did nothing rash, we each made it clear to our respective offspring that extreme care had to be taken when spying on Santa. After all, it was a well-known fact that if Santa caught you peeking, he would not only leave, but would take back all the presents and would NEVER return. And it worked. It worked well indeed! Starting at our house. The “Kid” was sound asleep. Dan showed up just before midnight, and we got him costumed. The game plan was that Santa would arrive with the sound of sleigh bells (straps shaken by Santa as he walked up the driveway) growing louder as he approached, accompanied by the barking of every dog within a half mile announcing his arrival. And, right out of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, the old boy calling to his reindeer: “Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen, On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Dunder and Blixem…” Then, a light thunder of hooves as the reindeer alighted (large bowl of ice cubes tossed by the handful onto the roof was very convincing). Thumps, as Santa crawled down an outside wall (our woodstoves did not have proper chimneys, dontcha know – besides, the cold weather necessitated a lively fire!). The creak of hinges as he crept through the front door. When reaching a pre-determined staging area, he set down his bulging sack, pulled a fancy scroll from his bag, and made a show of reading the kid’s name and his requests straight from the letter sent to the North Pole! Presents pulled from the bag and placed under the tree, with light “Ho ho’s….” When the task was completed, Santa would find a plate of cookies and take one with an expression of appreciation. Then, he’d grab the offered carrots for the reindeer and slip back out the door. When outside, more thumps as Santa climbed back to the roof. Carrots snapped off, with the tops tossed onto the roof – evidence clear of the reindeer’s sharing the bounty. During the visit, I held the trembling child tightly. Initially, he was too terrified to look, as we again hid in the laundry room – the prospect of being caught by Santa was too terrible to even consider. Finally, though, he dared to peek between fingers, through the tiny crack of the door. As soon as Santa was gone, the youngster expressed the urgent need to return to bed. Mom and Dad’s, of course. One could not be too cautious with strange fat flying elves in the neighborhood, gifts or not. Gratefully, he was almost immediately snoozing soundly, enabling my escape to swap roles with Dan. The same routine at his house. Only Gabrielle, his six-year old, was awakened for the event… her older two sisters were left to sleep through the visit, bound to be incredulous when told the story in the morn. We repeated the scenario exactly, with one exception: As further proof of the reindeer’s presence, when Santa left, Dan collected a scoopful of burro poop from the corral and tossed said evidence atop the roof along with carrot tops. He reasoned – correctly – that little girls would not be able to tell the difference between reindeer and burro sign. Evidently, our presentations were quite impactful on the youngsters. Ry believed. Gabrielle believed. And when she told the story to her sisters the next morning, she insisted that she saw Santa and his reindeer-drawn sleigh fly right across the face of the full moon. (The moon was dark, only one night past the new moon). Of course, they were total skeptics. Until Gabrielle took them outside and pointed to the irrefutable confirmation on the roof. Well, this was to remain a memory for the Kid; I put the suit away for good. Almost. A few years later, the missus was working at the Community Medical Center. That Christmas season, she advised me that that I was to break it out and play Santa for their annual family Christmas party. I was reluctant; she was insistent. Of course, she won. I had to acquire a new beard, and upgraded. I will admit that with the new whiskers and makeup, I looked good. But that was to be the last time I played Santa. The event itself went well. As mentioned, I looked good, and I will modestly admit that I did an excellent Santa, and I actually felt a bit of pride of accomplishment afterward. Unfortunately, the feeling was to be short-lived. I was shocked when I received a scathing email from a senior staffer on Christmas day. It seems that this gentleman’s six-year old daughter had refused to go to bed the night before. And of course, it was MY fault for telling her that Santa would visit; she insisted on staying up all night to greet the jolly old elf. And of course, the parents did not believe in telling their children they had to do anything. Parental responsibility did not surmount a child’s right to make her own decisions, don’tcha know. They could only suggest or request. And their little girl flatly rejected their suggestion, eventually falling asleep on the sofa and awakening in a sour mood in the morning – and it was MY fault; I was a cretin and should be ashamed of myself, and probably had no right to live. Ah well… it WAS wintertime; I suspect the term “snowflake” could have been coined for this very person. I still have the outfit. I have loaned it; however, I never again donned The Red Suit. But it was fun for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 GREAT !!! ... so when will the compilation book "The Missadventures of Hardpan Curmudgeon" going to be available ? I would like an autographed copy Please, hardback if you would be so kind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 Posted December 20, 2021 Author Share Posted December 20, 2021 16 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said: GREAT !!! ... so when will the compilation book "The Missadventures of Hardpan Curmudgeon" going to be available ? I would like an autographed copy Please, hardback if you would be so kind Workin' on it. Mebbe in the coming year.... (But this story likely won't be in it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calamity Kris Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 2 hours ago, Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 said: Workin' on it. Mebbe in the coming year.... (But this story likely won't be in it) I can think of a good use for you and your suit, if you are so inclined. I'm sure there are orphanages in your area that would love to have a visit from an experienced Santa as yourself. You wouldn't have to deal with nasty parents either.... Just a thought...... Good on you for bringing such great memories to the kids. I'm sure they appreciated it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 2 hours ago, Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 said: Workin' on it. Mebbe in the coming year.... (But this story likely won't be in it) This story needs it's own special chapter .... an' Miss Kris got a good idea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 You spin a good yarn, Hardpan. I can't wait to read this story in five years to see you embellishments! (Hey! A good yarn is like a good whisky, it improves over time!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Share Posted December 21, 2021 10 minutes ago, Calamity Kris said: I can think of a good use for you and your suit, if you are so inclined. I'm sure there are orphanages in your area that would love to have a visit from an experienced Santa as yourself. You wouldn't have to deal with nasty parents either.... Just a thought...... Good on you for bringing such great memories to the kids. I'm sure they appreciated it. Kris, thank you for the consideration, but I'll pass. I've done a LOT of volunteer stuff over the past few decades (and still do); it's someone else's turn to step up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calamity Kris Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 2 minutes ago, Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 said: Kris, thank you for the consideration, but I'll pass. I've done a LOT of volunteer stuff over the past few decades (and still do); it's someone else's turn to step up. I completely understand that. Something to keep in the back of your mind, should the inkling ever arise...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 A long long time ago in a galaxy far away, well actually Petit Saguenay, Quebec, I was chosen to be Santa for a little corner of the village. In my sleigh were about six bags of gifts. My sleigh was pulled by a snow machine. I stopped in the back of the selected houses and faked speaking French (Quebec French) while presenting gifts to the little kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finagler 6853 Life Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 I have contemplated wearing the Santa mantle but Mrs. Finagler says I'd look more like a gnome than an elf. Good on ya Hardpan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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