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The Aussie Humour Thread


Buckshot Bear
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20 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 .... a bit small to read, ........ but I bet it's probably worth 3 whacks across your noggin from your good Lady wife and her favourite frying pan .......   :wacko:

 

With a 14" cast iron skillet! How times have changed.

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Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first mansion, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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On 1/28/2022 at 11:41 PM, Buckshot Bear said:

With a 14" cast iron skillet!

I don't think I can wield a 14" cast iron skillet.  Backhand, maybe.

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I believe I heard that a pack of cigarettes in Australia holds 40. So that's not as impressive as it could be. To make it be more American you need to cut that pile of food in half.

 

:D

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3 hours ago, Alpo said:

I believe I heard that a pack of cigarettes in Australia holds 40. So that's not as impressive as it could be. To make it be more American you need to cut that pile of food in half.

 

:D

 

They make an ammo sized box of 50 for $90.00.......jeeze louise.....90 bucks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

https://smokemart.com.au/tobacco/packets?brand=994

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Now this is mateship!

 

Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. 
He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the police officers descended on Tony's house in great numbers.
They searched the house and then went to the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no Cocaine. 

They swore at Tony and left.
The phone rang at Tony's house.
"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, mate."

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On 1/31/2022 at 4:27 PM, Buckshot Bear said:

0db7505f28adbcbb83364f0d96dc1e57.jpg.7b39e8603cb19b5dd6ad0c30e867aec0.jpg

I don't like this picture. You can't see the frogs teeth!

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Man decided to start a chicken farm. Went to the feed store and bought 50 fertilized eggs.

 

Month later he went back to the feed store and bought another 50 fertilized eggs.

 

A month after that he was back at the feed store buying another 50 fertilized eggs.

 

The clerk said, "you having trouble with your chickens?"

 

Man told him, "yep. I don't know whether I'm planningPLANTING them too deep, or the wrong time of the month, but they're not coming up".

Edited by Alpo
otto
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