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The Aussie Humour Thread


Buckshot Bear
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How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face..I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries other than Australia: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ^$%#
g beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your *&%^$%^%&g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't ^$%#g going anywhere!   Got it, Arsehole?'
So he stayed home......................and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?

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An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. 
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. 
He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. 
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. 
She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. 
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. 
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. 
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says.
"What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, 
"I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

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Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. 'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him. 'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.

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Funny, Odd, Interesting, Relatively Useless and Random Australian Trivia

 
  1. Each and every part of Australia is within a distance of 1000km from ocean or a beach.
  2. 30,028 square km of land is under cattle ranches. This area size is almost the same as that of the whole Belgium.
  3. People of Queensland in Australia are called "Banana Benders", and "Sand Gropers" is the name given to the people from Western Australia.
  4. There are nearly 25,000,000 people in Australia, of which approximately 80% live in cities next to the sea.
  5. Australia has, probably, the lowest population density of any country in the world, ie, 2 people per square km. Japan has 327 people/2km
  6. The area of Australia that is covered by snow in winter is larger than the area of Switzerland.
  7. 70% of the world's wool comes from Australia. We have over 126,000,000 sheep, which use fully half the continent for grazing.
  8. The longest fence in the world is in Australia, and it runs for over 5,530 kms. It's designed to keep dingoes away from the sheep.
  9. The wine cask, the ubiquitous plastic bag full of wine contained in a cardboard box, was invented in Australia in 1967.
  10. Qantas stands for Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services.

australia_map.jpg.42861343e9e2f3cdd775571e1d2f150f.jpg

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Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight. The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?' Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know.  It's your plane.'

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GOOD TIP ON HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF

 

Four married men were happy playing golf early on a Saturday morning…
During the 4th hole the following conversation began:
First Man: Bet you’ve no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today...
I had to promise my wife that I’ll paint the sitting room next weekend.
Second Man: That's nothing; I had to promise mine I’d build a new deck for the pool.
Third Man: You both have it sooo easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.
They continue to play the hole,… and eventually realize that the fourth Man hasn’t said a word.
So they ask him: 'You haven't said anything about how come you were let out to play golf today. What's the deal?'
Fourth Man: I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block

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4 minutes ago, John Kloehr said:

First I must congratulate Australia for getting a referee into the finals of the World Cup.

 

Second, what the heck is a "Bogan?"

 

 .... sort of a cross between rednecks and swamp peoples .....   :P

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8 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 .... sort of a cross between rednecks and swamp peoples .....   :P

So if you see a chicken coop and there is a laundry line of drying clothes attached to it...(?)

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A tour bus driver is driving with a busload of seniors down a highway on the Queensland's Gold Coast when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”

“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”,

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

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Ramblings of a retired mind
* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that

  everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm

  wearing my garage door opener.
* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't

   like me anyway.

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer

  cans.

* I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it

  "Pumping Rust."
 * I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
  falling into your drawers
 * Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

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Only in Australia will you see a dog eating a shark, while two snakes are tangled in a duel to the death! :o

Snip-it_1643059068363.jpg.1da2e8ff88ca2e774bd10b2ba7c09a79.jpg

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Goanna. How 'bout dat. It's a real thing.

 

In Crocodile Dundee, Mick has taken Sue to this little pond out in the outback, and he's feeding her some bush meat.

 

I remember he offered her some sugar ants and some goanna. Looking at the critter he had in his hand, I just figured he could not pronounce iguana.

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52 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Goanna. How 'bout dat. It's a real thing.

 

In Crocodile Dundee, Mick has taken Sue to this little pond out in the outback, and he's feeding her some bush meat.

 

I remember he offered her some sugar ants and some goanna. Looking at the critter he had in his hand, I just figured he could not pronounce iguana.

As I recall his point was that you could eat them but they tasted like $h!t. No thanks for this yank.

For real food I now refer you back to the pepperoni thread :P

Regards

:FlagAm:  :FlagAm:  :FlagAm:

Gateway Kid

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An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
 "Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"

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Women - know your place in the bedroom (This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60's.)

When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.

In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.

When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

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Ummm Don't think any of that is more than a male (16 year old) fantasy.

A nice one but fantasy nonetheless.

BTW showed this to my wife and got the "look" :unsure:

Regards

:FlagAm:  :FlagAm:  :FlagAm:

Gateway Kid

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1 hour ago, Gateway Kid SASS# 70038 Life said:

Ummm Don't think any of that is more than a male (16 year old) fantasy.

A nice one but fantasy nonetheless.

BTW showed this to my wife and got the "look" :unsure:

Regards

:FlagAm:  :FlagAm:  :FlagAm:

Gateway Kid

 

 

Here's one for you to share GK :)

 

272861128_10223192051141617_5077106574573408635_n.thumb.jpg.d25d18ac2d1f52e8be84cef23f2b3477.jpg

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