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The Aussie Humour Thread


Buckshot Bear

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19 minutes ago, Rip Snorter said:

So it puts a spring in your step?

Just BAReLEY

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From east Tennessee...

 

If a snake is black, leave it alone. It eats mice which is a good thing and it can cause a painful bite which is not a good thing.

 

If it is not black, and in particular has a triangular head, and is near the water, leave it alone as it eats mice which is a good thing and it can kill you which is not a good thing.

 

The rest of them which also eat mice but may not have a triangular head or be near the water so they might just hurt and they might kill you.

 

Good luck with looking at its butt scales. I'll just go with leaving it alone. They all eat mice.

 

 

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Sorry, on my land, particularly near the house, venomous die.  Have dogs and don't need vet bills. don't hear that well.  A local gent, ex LEO was bitten and died some years back.  Other snakes, even Bullsnakes, which can be aggressive, are fine, just leave us alone!

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3 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

464588568_10162164549793322_6708337916168871151_n.jpg.64c0033d65bcdbd725a25cf495cf90cc.jpg

Similarly, a guy headed to prison is allowed a personal item to take with him and chooses tampons.

 

Then he will be able to swim, play tennis, ride a bike, ...

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Little Digger -
From the devastation of war comes a story of love, hope and compassion.
It is the story of the unexpected friendship between Private Timothy Tovell and a boy named Honore.
On Christmas Day 1918, the men of the Australian Flying Corps No. 4 Squadron sat down to eat a delicious lunch in the airmen's mess at Bickendorf Air Base in Germany.
Just as they were about to start their meal, in walked a small, young French boy, clearly cold and hungry, and their lives changed forever.
The boy, Honore, had spent almost 4 years struggling to survive behind the Western Front battlefields. He was unable to recall his age or where he came from.
He told the Australians that his father, a French soldier, was killed during the first week of war. Soon after, his mother died in a bombardment.
Honore had been rescued by a British artillery officer who was later killed, leaving Honore injured and once more alone.
Taken to a military hospital to recover, Honore was soon discharged and travelled back to the forward area, where he found another British unit.
It was with this unit that he travelled to Bickendorf and met the Australians.
The men of No. 4 Squadron took the little boy under their wing, nicknaming him 'Little Digger' or 'Digger'.
They looked after him, ensuring he was fed and clothed.
Little Digger quickly became a member of the squadron and was bestowed the title of acting corporal.
He spent time boxing, catching rats and hitching rides on planes.
He shared jokes with the men and soon found himself a new home.
One particular man, Timothy Tovell, became Little Digger's unofficial carer.
He was a husband and father who felt an intense need to protect the young French boy.
Timothy gave him the name Henri, and the two became inseparable.
Later, news came that the squadron was scheduled to return to Australia.
Timothy was determined to take Henri home with him.
In a letter to his wife Gertrude, he stated that he didn't think one extra in the family would make that much difference.
The French and British authorities were not pleased with this idea and wanted Henri to be placed in an orphanage.
Timothy was determined to keep Henri safe, so he hatched a plan to smuggle the small French boy back to Australia with him.
The day of departure arrived, and little Henri was placed inside an empty oat bag.
Remaining secretly on board the troopship, Henri successfully arrived in England.
On 6 May 1919, bound for Australia, Henri was again concealed from the authorities, this time in a basket of sporting equipment. He remained hidden until the ship was too far out to sea to be turned around.
During the journey home, it was discovered that the Premier of Queensland, Tom Ryan, was a passenger onboard the ship.
After hearing Henri's story and his friendship with Timothy, the Premier organised the relevant paperwork for Henri to enter Australia.
Together, Timothy and Henri travelled to the Tovell family home in Jandowae, Queensland, where Henri became a much-loved and valued family member.
In 1926, Henri relocated to Melbourne to join the Royal Australian Air Force (RAAF).
However, on 23 May 1928, tragedy struck.
Henri was involved in a motor vehicle accident when his motorbike collided with a taxi.
He died the following day.
In recognition of his determination, Henri was buried with military honours at Fawkner Cemetery in Melbourne.
Image: French orphan Henri Heremene with Australian soldier Tim Tovell holding an oat sack similar to the one used to smuggle Henri out of France. Hurdcott, United Kingdom, c 8 to 9 March 1919.
 
464861659_10160594677043553_7224494131035663645_n.jpg.b3008a7955ac05055dd33ece6571b0d2.jpg
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4 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:
Little Digger -
From the devastation of war comes a story of love, hope and compassion.
It is the story of the unexpected friendship between Private Timothy Tovell and a boy named Honore.
On Christmas Day 1918, the men of the Australian Flying Corps No. 4 Squadron sat down to eat a delicious lunch in the airmen's mess at Bickendorf Air Base in Germany.
Just as they were about to start their meal, in walked a small, young French boy, clearly cold and hungry, and their lives changed forever.
The boy, Honore, had spent almost 4 years struggling to survive behind the Western Front battlefields. He was unable to recall his age or where he came from.
He told the Australians that his father, a French soldier, was killed during the first week of war. Soon after, his mother died in a bombardment.
Honore had been rescued by a British artillery officer who was later killed, leaving Honore injured and once more alone.
Taken to a military hospital to recover, Honore was soon discharged and travelled back to the forward area, where he found another British unit.
It was with this unit that he travelled to Bickendorf and met the Australians.
The men of No. 4 Squadron took the little boy under their wing, nicknaming him 'Little Digger' or 'Digger'.
They looked after him, ensuring he was fed and clothed.
Little Digger quickly became a member of the squadron and was bestowed the title of acting corporal.
He spent time boxing, catching rats and hitching rides on planes.
He shared jokes with the men and soon found himself a new home.
One particular man, Timothy Tovell, became Little Digger's unofficial carer.
He was a husband and father who felt an intense need to protect the young French boy.
Timothy gave him the name Henri, and the two became inseparable.
Later, news came that the squadron was scheduled to return to Australia.
Timothy was determined to take Henri home with him.
In a letter to his wife Gertrude, he stated that he didn't think one extra in the family would make that much difference.
The French and British authorities were not pleased with this idea and wanted Henri to be placed in an orphanage.
Timothy was determined to keep Henri safe, so he hatched a plan to smuggle the small French boy back to Australia with him.
The day of departure arrived, and little Henri was placed inside an empty oat bag.
Remaining secretly on board the troopship, Henri successfully arrived in England.
On 6 May 1919, bound for Australia, Henri was again concealed from the authorities, this time in a basket of sporting equipment. He remained hidden until the ship was too far out to sea to be turned around.
During the journey home, it was discovered that the Premier of Queensland, Tom Ryan, was a passenger onboard the ship.
After hearing Henri's story and his friendship with Timothy, the Premier organised the relevant paperwork for Henri to enter Australia.
Together, Timothy and Henri travelled to the Tovell family home in Jandowae, Queensland, where Henri became a much-loved and valued family member.
In 1926, Henri relocated to Melbourne to join the Royal Australian Air Force (RAAF).
However, on 23 May 1928, tragedy struck.
Henri was involved in a motor vehicle accident when his motorbike collided with a taxi.
He died the following day.
In recognition of his determination, Henri was buried with military honours at Fawkner Cemetery in Melbourne.
Image: French orphan Henri Heremene with Australian soldier Tim Tovell holding an oat sack similar to the one used to smuggle Henri out of France. Hurdcott, United Kingdom, c 8 to 9 March 1919.
 
464861659_10160594677043553_7224494131035663645_n.jpg.b3008a7955ac05055dd33ece6571b0d2.jpg

 

 

image.png.79657c0dcfbd7a5ead03c1caa9824278.png

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Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 4 by 2 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here,
OK?"
Then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,"This is the one ... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,
"Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
"I guess it's to hang your trousers on."
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Personally, I've never heard anyone call them chips. Used together - chips and dip - yes, but just by themselves? Specific. Potato chips. Corn chips. Tortilla chips. But not just chips. It's too many possibilities.

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53 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Personally, I've never heard anyone call them chips. Used together - chips and dip - yes, but just by themselves? Specific. Potato chips. Corn chips. Tortilla chips. But not just chips. It's too many possibilities.

 

  ........ if you come to Australia I don't think you'll survive .....  🙃🙂🙃

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45 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

  ........ if you come to Australia I don't think you'll survive .....  🙃🙂🙃

Between the "everything on the land wants to kill you" and the "everything in the water wants to kill you", you're probably right. And I doubt it has anything to do with chips.

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