The Aussie Humour Thread

[Buckshot Bear]

6 hours ago, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

 

 

All Aussie kids (and big kids) love making them

[Alpo]

That's just wrong.

[Sedalia Dave]

3 hours ago, Chickasaw Bill SASS #70001 said:

they do NOT be enough booze , for that to happen again 

 

  CB 

 

AGAIN ??????? 

[Chickasaw Bill SASS #70001]

after inbiding in a long drinking session with some Ast. troops 

 

  I was drunk enough to try vegimite once , 

 

 was suppose to cure the hangover , what it was , was just NASTY 

 

  CB 

 

 needed a pint of whiskey to get the taste gone  

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

5 hours ago, Chickasaw Bill SASS #70001 said:

after inbiding in a long drinking session with some Ast. troops 

 

  I was drunk enough to try vegimite once , 

 

 was suppose to cure the hangover , what it was , was just NASTY 

 

  CB 

 

 needed a pint of whiskey to get the taste gone  

 

 

 

 .......... and that's why we eat vegemite   

[Buckshot Bear]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

6 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

 

 ......................... but don't tell anyone, .... it's a secret  

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Buckshot Bear]

One afternoon a man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, the man went inside and sat down.
"Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her  crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully.
"I'm the father of three children."
The mysterious psychic grinned and said, "That's what you think!"

[Buckshot Bear]

Why do women always watch porn movies until the end ?


Because they think at the end everyone's going to get married...

[Buckshot Bear]

1 minute ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 

  ............... I think I've been to him ........      

 

 

 

Wallaby.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

oops!  

[Buckshot Bear]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, he replied.

[Buckshot Bear]

I’ve finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine.

He’s a Bordeaux Collie.

And yes, he paws it himself.

[WOLFY]

 

Edited January 10, 2022 by WOLFY
better pic

[Buckshot Bear]

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.

His dude replies 'You're so lucky... Mine is still alive...'

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The young heiress is being driven to school by her dad’s chauffeur when he gets a flat.  As he struggles to get the hubcap off, she asks him “You want a screwdriver?”

 

He said, “Might as well, can’t get this hubcap off.”

[Buckshot Bear]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction sitenoticed the coarse language of the workersand decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch,sit with the workersand talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bagandwalked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his sheila's here with his lunch"

[Alpo]

Now that one I like. Most of these "Aussie humour" are jokes I've heard many times before, or really didn't think much of.

 

But this one - this one is funny.

[Buckshot Bear]

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked the other, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm gunna be takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

[Buckshot Bear]

A Vietnamese Doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks"

A German Doctor says " That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks"

A Russian Doctor says "In My country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks"

The Australian Doctor, not to be outdone, says " You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra for one year, and now half the country is looking for work"!

[Buckshot Bear]

Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time.
 ... "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrows

[Buckshot Bear]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

 

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

And Finally.............................
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

[Buckshot Bear]

Facts about Orstralia!

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking).

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing  them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the pallet.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced  to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one  that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying.

22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher.

27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

[Alpo]

8 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm

Here in the states, that is referred to as "all hat, no cattle".

 

11 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

Had to go look that one up. The answer to WHAT IS A SNAG IN AUSTRALIAN SLANG is:

A dry inedible sausage served overcooked with burned onion and sauce for two dollars fifty as fundraisers outside hardware stores.

• Example: "Gonna get a snag from Bunnings mate?" "Nah bugger off, I'm going to the local Chinese joint and getting something edible!"

 

[Buckshot Bear]

2 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Here in the states, that is referred to as "all hat, no cattle".

 

 

 

LOL I like that Alpo  

[Alpo]

We even have, or at least we used to have - haven't seen him on the wire for a while, a shooter named No Cattle.

[Buckshot Bear]

 

BODY MEETING:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

3 hours ago, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

England also sent criminals to the Americas, after the Revolution they still needed a far away place to dump the riffraff and organized First Fleet and shipped their hoodlums to Australia.  IIRC The first place settled was Botany Bay.  (Now flashback to a Star Trek movie).

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Come to think of it, England could have sent their criminals to Canada but I suppose that would have been cruel and unusual punishment.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Black Angus McPherson]

17 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

BODY MEETING:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

 

This reminds me of a popular poster that was sold in stores in the way back.  Another that was usually on display in those same stores had one of my favorite statements on it:

 

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said.  But, I am not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

 

I believe that quote was attributed to Richard Nixon.

 

Angus

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

4 hours ago, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

 

We have quite a few New Zealanders in Australia, many of which reside in Bondi; seems to be as close to NZ as they can get without leaving ......   

[MizPete]

On 12/9/2021 at 1:53 PM, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

and that's why we eat vegemite 

What, exactly is vegemite?