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We have an ongoing thread of memes, another one of dogs, the Wordy Word threads, and so on.  Another post got me thinking, why not a thread about the funny things kids say?  Post yours.

 

I'll start.  My now-15 year-old was about two years old when my wife and I went to a Texas Roadhouse (chain restaurant famous for steaks).  They always have pictures of NASCAR drivers and country music singers decorating the walls.  Anyway, my son's eyes get HUGE as he looks at something behind me and asks quizzically, "Is that JESUS?!?!?!?"

Wondering whether my Lord and Savior had arrived at his second coming, I turned and looked, only to find a picture of Willie Nelson on the wall behind me.

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Well, alrighty!!  :)

 

About fifteen years ago I was asked to start a Cub Scout pack for a group of... well... "disadvantaged kids."  These were actually kids in the county's Victim Services program.  How do you say "no" to such a request?  This was at the same time one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've ever done.

 

Anyway, one of my little projects was to teach them a song.  Being a bit of a non-conformist, I selected Louden Wainright's "Dead Skunk In the Middle Of the Road."

 

Well, the kids loved it, and were all excited at the opportunity of performing for their parents and the Victim Services staff.  After they finished the song and were rewarded by a round of applause, on a whim I asked them "So - does anyone have any idea why that skunk smelled so bad?"

 

A little 8-year old African American lad eagerly raised his hand and with a grin declared "I know!  I know!  'Cuz he FARTED!"

 

That pretty much brought the evening's program to an end.  Every adult there laughed so hard we had tears streaming down our cheeks.   ^_^

Edited by Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967
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My middle grand daughter has coined a whole book of these.
She is a Navy brat (all over the world), highly intelligent beyond her years.
And a smart ass with a dry sense of humor.


Mom: Please go upstairs and get me a Band-Aid.. I cut my finger.
Fallon: I don't do life support.


Mom: Go upstairs and me a Band-Aid!
Fallon: I don't do upstairs, either.


Mom: Grrr...
Fallon: < goes up and brings smallest Band-Aid >


Mom: Could you have grabbed a bigger Band-Aid?
Fallon:  Works for me... you'll survive.

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A little boy that I once was acquainted with was in his kindergarten class where the teacher asked the kids to name something that was not healthy for them to eat......One little girl said candy, and another little boy said potato chips.....When Jesse was asked, he politely replied "CRAP".   The teacher was taken aback, and said "Jesse, where did you hear that?"    Little Jesse explained that every day when he gets home from school he gets a snack of some sort, and  his Mom says "Jesse, don't eat that crap before supper!"

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In about 1978 we were at Knott's Berry Farm, waiting in line (you will always wait in line at Knott's) when this hippy creature walked over and stopped near us.  I little girl in front of us left the line and walked over near the guy and stared at him.  He was a nice enough fellow and smiled and asked if she wanted something.  She asked "Can I have your autograph, Jesus?"

 

He grinned and said, "Honey, I'm not Jesus.  My name is Peter."

 

She smiled and said that's okay.  Can I have your autograph then?"

 

He laughed and signed her autograph book and as she walked away she said, "Thank you Saint Peter, and will you tell Jesus hello for me when you see him?"

 

You never saw many people smiling at one time.

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While out at a gravel pit in Weatherford, Tx...

I was putting our 3 year old into his car seat...

Wich at the time was pretty eye level.

I notice little red bumps on his inner thighs.

Me: pulling his shorts leg out of the way.

He: "Mom, STOP"

Me: "wait...you have little bumps!"

He: "Mom, God gave me those bumps!!"

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Before we had children of our own, we had friends with kids, and heard their stories.

 

At a dinner party, one of the guests was nursing a baby.  Our friend's four-year old son had never seen this, and stared at the nursing mother and her baby intently, then asked the lady what she was doing.  The nursing mother said, "I'm giving my baby some milk."  To which the four-year old boy replied, "Does the other one have orange juice?"

 

Same family, a few years later.  The daughter was still in elementary school when she  heard conversations about how babies are made from the other girls in her class.  So Mom gets a book and reads it with her daughter to explain the process.  At the end of the explanation, her daughter looked wide-eyed at her mom and said, "Gee Mom, you and Dad did it TWICE!"

 

My kids never said anything as funny.

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As a wee lad, I got myself in trouble at the dinner table.

Dad: "Son, you're a pig.  Do you know what a pig is?"
Son: "A hog's little boy"

< back hand >

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Many years ago putting my toddler  daughter to bed she looked at me and asked when we were going to another dying party.

I was a bit taken aback and asked her what she meant. In a very forward way she said 'you know where somebody is in the box and everybody brings food and we tell stories'

 

Then it occurred to me the number of funerals we had been to that year.

 

 

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Some years ago at a Taco Bell a lady had a little boy who looked to be around 2-3 years old. She leaned over and whispered something to him and he responded in that totally kid volume voice "No Mommy I don't need to go to the bathroom!" She does this again in a couple minutes with the same response. Finally she does this again and the little guy pulls his pants down right there and says "Look Mommy, it's just farts!"

I though we were all gonna die laughing and Mommy just about died!

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When my boy was three or so I called a driver going past my mom's house a bonehead. For whatever reason my son started saying "Daddy's a lamp head or doorknob head and book head. As there was a woodpecker on the suet cake on my mom's porch.... Well, he just naturally called his grandma a peckerhead! She laughed so hard we almost lost her. 

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I heard this one from my MIL some years ago.

 

My sister-in-law was in the middle of a divorce so she moved back in with her parents.  She brought along her toddler daughter.  Grandma was watching her granddaughter one day when one of grandma's acquaintances came by.  The lady was prattling on and on, gossiping about anyone that came to mind.  My MIL had the patience of a saint and stood quietly listening.  Melissa decided she had heard enough, she tugged on my MILs pant leg and announced "That's bull$hit, grandma."  Grandma was stunned, looking down at the child she asked "Where did you learn that?".  The little girl looked up and her and said "Uncle Dave", giggled and tottered off.  When my MIL recounted this story back to us, she said "you know, it really was BS".......

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My mother used to tell this story about me. 

 

I was raised bi-lingual German.  My parents taught me English first to make sure I had a complete understanding before trying German.  Well, my mom was baking in the kitchen one day.  I couldn't have been more than two or three.  I reached for the pie she had removed from the oven and mom wagged her finger at me.  I said "Heiss" (hot).  Mom couldn't believe what she heard so she said "what did you say"?  "Heiss".  Mom still couldn't believe it so she asked "what did you say" again.  I replied "Damn hot".  She knew where I got that from........

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My oldest son was 2 years old and being potty trained. He was sitting on the pot to do his number 2.  After awhile he yelled Dad!! Dad!! so I walked in to help him when he finished and I wondered what he was so excited about. As I walked in I asked him if everything was OK and why he was so excited and yelling for me. He looked up at me and smiled and said "Poop stinks."

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Not all that funny, but when my son was almost two we were stationed on Okinawa.  Our little Okinawan housekeeper gave my son a terry cloth Santa Claus

 doll and he carried it everywhere for a couple of weeks before Christmas.  AFRT TV had Santa all over it and we found out that a Warrant Officer would dress as Santa and come to our house to visit the kid.  He charged a couple of bucks and it all went to folks who weren't going to have a very good Christmas. 

 

Anyhow, he showed up at the right time and place and my wife answered the door.  "Matthew, look who's here."

 

My son took one look at Santa and went screaming down the hall.  We all looked at each other wondering why the kid would run from Santa Claus.  A minute later he came charging back down the hall and shoved the doll up at Santa Claus and said, "Look Sandy, that's you".

 

Great outcome and the Warrant Officer said that was the kind of thing that kept him doing that.

 

I had several cameras around the house and never thought to take a picture.

 

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One time in church,  vested and sitting on the floor on the nave during the homily.   Little Eritrean kid , maybe 3 or 4, crawled onto my lap, staring at me and stroking my face and beard.  He said something to his mom who was on the floor a couple of feet from me.  I  raised an eyebrow at her and she translated for me.  "He thinks you are Jesus. "  Talk about humbling.

 

 

One Christmas my wife's kids went to visit his kin in Oregon.  One morning they got up to no water.   Storm had caused a creek to flood,  washed out part of a street and took out water mains.  By the time they got to a store all the bottled water was gone.  Her son,  about 9 at the time,  said,  "Let's just buy a  lot of ice."  It took him a  few minutes to convince the rest of them he wasn't crazy. Buy ice, melt it, you have water. 

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When we were kids, my parents took my younger brother and I to the Atlanta Zoo. We spent the day there and viewed most of the exhibits and animals. The large apes (I think they were orangutans) were in their own enclosure that had thick glass enclosed pens on either side of a corridor.

 

In one of the pens was a large ape whose entire rear hindquarters were all swollen and red, it looked painful actually. On the glass was a sign that stated something like "Please excuse the appearance of the female, she is in heat." None of us said anything and proceeded on with our visit.

 

Later on, we were driving back to where we were staying and my mother and step-father started talking about the ape we had seen. My step-father commented on how ugly the ape's swollen rear end was to which my mother replied that the sign sign had stated that she was in heat. My little brother spoke up and said "What I don't understand is why they didn't just put her in a cooler place." We all had good laughs for many years over that one. 

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4 minutes ago, Cypress Sun said:

When we were kids, my parents took my younger brother and I to the Atlanta Zoo. We spent the day there and viewed most of the exhibits and animals. The large apes (I think they were orangutans) were in their own enclosure that had thick glass enclosed pens on either side of a corridor.

 

In one of the pens was a large ape whose entire rear hindquarters were all swollen and red, it looked painful actually. On the glass was a sign that stated something like "Please excuse the appearance of the female, she is in heat." None of us said anything and proceeded on with our visit.

 

Later on, we were driving back to where we were staying and my mother and step-father started talking about the ape we had seen. My step-father commented on how ugly the ape's swollen rear end was to which my mother replied that the sign sign had stated that she was in heat. My little brother spoke up and said "What I don't understand is why they didn't just put her in a cooler place." We all had good laughs for many years over that one. 

Now that's funny! :lol:

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This has nothing to do with cute things kids say, but the story about the ape in heat reminded me.

 

We're at a small local zoo, and they have a monkey in a cage. There is a sign on all four sides of the cage.

 

THE MONKEY IS NOT INJURED. LIKE ALL FEMALE PRIMATES SHE BLEEDS ONCE A MONTH.

 

And there was blood running down both of her legs. I presume they have had many people run in panic to tell them that their monkey was hurt.

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13 minutes ago, Alpo said:

What's that saying - dance like nobody's watching

Welll....when it happened 2 years ago....I thought "look how far 'my Autistic' boy has come, how well he is dealing with his sissy"

Now...knowing 'her' dynamics...(and if you see her exspression at the end)

It is a HUGE kuddos that he did not push or shove with her blatent "in your face" , no pun intended, button pushing!!!!

These two are more twins...little over a year apart!!!

Edited by Singin' Sue 71615
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Youngest niece was about 4 and didn't understand something that was said to her.  Her Mom said that she was having a 'Blonde moment,' which prompted her to reply, "I'm not blonde, I can see just fine.":blink:

 

No, she still hasn't lived that one down.

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27 minutes ago, Singin&#x27; Sue 71615 said:

What???

When did the Snowflakes get into Hasbro's pockets!!!

Don't know when but they got their hooks in deep.

 

https://www.foxnews.com/media/hasbro-whistleblower-says-company-to-push-crt-through-games-training-says-6-month-olds-can-be-racist

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At one time I was one of three bearded lawmen in the State, wore chin whiskers for many years.
They were just turning white when my fire department drafted me to be Santa.

One little girl piled up in my lap and looked at me skeptically:  I don't know what kind of discussion she'd had with her Mama, but she wasn't about to believe I was Santa ... until she reached up, wound her fingers up in my chin whiskers, and nearly pulled my bottom jaw out of hinge.

I didn't make a sound.

Wanted to, but didn't ... her eyes got big, she breathed "You ARE Santa!" and the fire chief stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing, and two other fellows turned away, trying without much luck to stifle their mirth and merriment.

As I recall, the girl's Mama turned kind of red, and hustled her child out of there once our little interview was done.

 

My father and I are of a like height, and a like length of arm, we are equally broad across the shoulder, and where my rooftop thatch is distinctly thin, his has been absent since his nineteenth birthday:  we honestly do look very much alike, but he lacks the (ahem) Equatorial Bulge (ahem) that I pack around.

He, too, wears a full beard, and  his is neatly trimmed, and pure, flawlessly, white.

He was uptown one day -- little unincorporated village, I think he was headed for the Red Rooster to have a milk with the boys -- a little boy stopped in front of him, staring openly, and dear old Dad, recognizing a question in the child's awe struck expression, went down on one knee and said "Yes, son?"

The boy -- in absolute awestruck wonder -- asked, "Mits-ter ... Mits-ter, are you Santa Claus?"

Now my father was wearing a red flannel shirt that day, and he's always had a soft spot for boys, having raised two of them himself, and with hazel eyes a-sparkle with sincerity and a gentle smile on his face, admitted, "No, son, I'm not Santa Claus."

Disappointment washed over the child's face.

My father continued, absolutely straight faced, "I'm his brother, Julius Claus."

The boy's eyes got BIG, his mouth opened and got ROUND, he turned and ran, bouncing like a jackrabbit, up the sidewalk at the top of his lungs:

"MA!  MA!  I JUST MET JULIUS CLAUS!"

Edited by Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103
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7 hours ago, Smuteye John SASS#24774 said:

Youngest niece was about 4 and didn't understand something that was said to her.  Her Mom said that she was having a 'Blonde moment,' which prompted her to reply, "I'm not blonde, I can see just fine.":blink:

 

No, she still hasn't lived that one down.

You win!!!:wub:

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