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I'm not sure what my wife is reading,  some fantasy novel,  I think.  She read an insult in it to me, "not even pigs would eat you. "

 

That's cold.

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1 hour ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

I'm not sure what my wife is reading,  some fantasy novel,  I think.  She read an insult in it to me, "not even pigs would eat you. "

 

That's cold.

Tell her “your almost correct...they will not eat teeth...good night, honey.” :D

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"There are no stupid questions, only stupid people asking questions. What's yours?" First Sergeant Francis.

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I'd been studying Shakespearean insults, both for entertainment value and in conjunction with Medieval re-enactment.
When my shin bone had a right-of-way disagreement with a six inch cast iron valve flange (shin came out in second place) I let out a roar and proceeded to discuss the cast iron flange's ancestry, its nature, its disposition, its personal habits, but all in language that the Bard would understand.

Not a single Anglo-Saxon labiodental fricative in the bunch, the commonly abused words of four letters were not to be found in my full-voice declaration: my pained bellow and obsolete declarations went on for a full three lungsful of air.

My fellows and colleagues drew back and stared, partly in awe, mostly in astonishment, for in fifteen years of laboring for a paycheck in that location, that is the second time I have EVER raised my voice!

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Have you always been this stupid?

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If you were my husband I'd poison you!

 

Ma'am if I was your husband I'd drink it!

 

 

 

A Winsten Churchill quote from my memory.

 

 

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I cuss like a sailor...I was a Sailor...

 

When I insult someone, even at work, there is usually cussing involved. 
 

I once worked with these really smarmy obnoxious women in North Carolina. I got to the point that I just hated talking to them. I remember one day we were having a staff meeting. At the end of the meeting my boss and I were discussing a fishing trip that I went on and how I got a large treble hook jammed into my thumb. I was saying that “while I was trying to remove it I was cussing a blue streak.”

One of the women (neither were Ladies) very haughtily said “Cussing is the lowest form of Blah, blah, blah...”

I actually didn’t catch what she said or don’t remember. 
The other said “Men are such apes. I agree.”

They both looked at me like I was dirt. 
I looked at them and said “Why don’t you both go “jump” yourselves?” Only I didn’t say “jump”.

They both turned red, got up and left. 
My boss didn’t say a word. He got up and left. He did have a smirk on his face. 
About 3 days later I was talking with my boss and he said “Melissa and Kelly are really mad at you.”

I said “Good! So far neither has spoken to me since then. It’s been wonderful.”

All he said was “Mission accomplished then, I’m assuming. You know, that probably will not work again. They are probably formulating their retaliation.”

I said “Yep, but until then, silence is golden.”

Those two women literally did not speak to me for over two weeks. 
When they did it was at another staff meeting and they were just soooo nice. They were almost syrupy they were so nice. 
Then I lowered the boom. 
I said something like “You both really have hurt my feelings. I have been debating what to do about it...Kelly, you said ‘men are such apes’. That offended me greatly. Melissa you agreed. If I said a similar comment about women you both would have flipped out. You may have even called HR about it. Well, I haven’t called HR, but I am sure you’re both thinking ‘well men can’t call HR for something like this because men are always the offenders’, but you would be wrong. I think you both recall our last Sexual Harassment training. They said that women harassing or making derogatory comments about men is just as bad as the other way around. 
I am still trying decide what to do. The nice thing is that by law here, I still have plenty of time to decide.”

Then I just say there smiling at them. 

Blank stares, mouths agape was their response. 
For months they were so nice. They avoided me but were so nice when they had to interact with me. 

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"If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave its butt and walk it backwards down the street".

(author unknown)

 

..........Widder

 

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You have the IQ of a lawn chair.

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4 hours ago, Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103 said:

I'd been studying Shakespearean insults, both for entertainment value and in conjunction with Medieval re-enactment.
When my shin bone had a right-of-way disagreement with a six inch cast iron valve flange (shin came out in second place) I let out a roar and proceeded to discuss the cast iron flange's ancestry, its nature, its disposition, its personal habits, but all in language that the Bard would understand.

Not a single Anglo-Saxon labiodental fricative in the bunch, the commonly abused words of four letters were not to be found in my full-voice declaration: my pained bellow and obsolete declarations went on for a full three lungsful of air.

My fellows and colleagues drew back and stared, partly in awe, mostly in astonishment, for in fifteen years of laboring for a paycheck in that location, that is the second time I have EVER raised my voice!

 

shakespeare's insults.jpg

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One of my favorites. I first used this at the Malibu Inn on some loud mouthed biker that was itching for trouble. 
“What are you lookin’ at?!”

”Not much.”

and that’s when the fight almost started. :D

His buddies grabbed him and reminded him that he was in parole. 
 

Boy, I sure can pick ‘em...:rolleyes:

 

Another that I love and use often. 
“So, what are you doing?”

”Minding my own business. How about you?”

 

I have gotten some pretty dirty looks from the use of this one. Some laughs too. 

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Jackalope is an excellent gunfighter and black powder aficionado who writes most of the stages for the ORSA Outlaws in Oak Ridge, TN.  He specializes in examples of short stories including great insults for each stage.  The end of each story ends with, "and that's what started the gunfight!".

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As a meal was placed in front of GySgt ????????(to protect the innocent) at a Marine Corps birthday banquet:  Ma'am, am I supposed to eat this or did somebody already.  

 

Maj. ????????'s reply:  Gunny you're excused.

 

Gunny's response: "Thank you very much, Sir!"

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You’re as useful as a screen door on a submarine 

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2 hours ago, Edward R S Canby, SASS#59971 said:

Insulting an array of steel has the advantage that it doesn't get offended and shoot back.

I dont think you are insulting the steel enough.  Me on the other hand... I insult the steel quite properly and I figure it holds a grudge cuz it shoots back at me when others are shooting at it.

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2 hours ago, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said:

As a meal was placed in front of GySgt ????????(to protect the innocent) at a Marine Corps birthday banquet:  Ma'am, am I supposed to eat this or did somebody already.  

 

Maj. ????????'s reply:  Gunny you're excused.

 

Gunny's response: "Thank you very much, Sir!"

Innocent Marine? Not guilty maybe, But never innocent.(My father was a Gunny)

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Insulted?  You'd have to chew a mouthful of chicken poop and spit it in my face in order to insult me.

 

Sir Winston, you are drunk.  

Madam, you are correct but you are ugly and in the morning I shall be sober.  (or something like that)

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