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An Irishman goes into a bar............


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He sits down and asks for a beer and whiskey. A few rounds later he looks around and sees a huge glass jar filled with 100 dollar bills. He says, "Hey bartender, what's with the jar with all the money. "Well" says the bartender, "You bet a 100 dollars and if you can out fight John the bouncer, muzzle Devil my giant pitbull in the back room , and lastly make love to my 80 year old mother upstairs, then you win all the money." 

 

"Huh", says the Irishman, "A man would have to be drunk to try that." As he looks at John all of 6 foot 6 and 320 lbs of muscle, and sees the massive dog collar and muzzle behind the bar. 

 

Then suddenly he jumps up, smashes a bottle in John's face, kicks him in the balls, and then elbow strikes his neck as he bent in pain. John slumped to the floor unconscious. He then lept over the bar and grabbed the muzzle and ran into the back room with the giant pitbull. For fifteen minutes the sounds of howls, growling, screams of pain, and frightening noises came from the back, then it was quiet and the door opened and the Irishman staggered out bloody and his clothes torn and disheveled but with a triumphant grin on his face.

 

"Okay," he said, "Now where is this mother of yours that I need to muzzle?"

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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

Two

 

One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room starts spinning.

 

Hey, I'm part Irish...I'm allowed to.

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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

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