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Beer Rustlers


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Apologies if I've posted this before... but I was inspired by Joe's "Thoughts About Beer."   :rolleyes:

 

Beer Rustlers

 

Once upon a time in a City by the Bay, there was a most marvelous industrial area anchored by three immense facilities:  The Falstaff, Hamm’s, and Burgermeister breweries.  Manufacturers of some of the most appreciated beverages of the day – which happened to be the late 1960’s and early 1970’s for the purpose of this tale.

 

Somewhat ironically, also in the City by the Bay and at the same time, at a distance of less than three miles as the crow flies was another venerable and esteemed organization, the most honorable Kappa Phi Delta fraternity.

 

Now, in life, certain things are preordained.  We can all think of countless examples.  However, in this case, with three major breweries operating in town, it was destiny that there would come to pass an affinity between the Kappa Phi Delta organization and at least one of these breweries. 

 

You see, the men of Kappa Phi Delta liked beer.  Beer was a significant part of our lives.  Our existence.  We would share beer at meals.  Beer was a common treat at ball games.  Beer served as a major factor in our ceremonies.  And of course, having beer on tap was sure to impress the girls at our “joint” parties.  Or so we thought.  This possible misconception might have been brought on by seeing the girls of the City College sorority greet and salute each other with an imaginary raised glass and the words “Drink Beer!”  I think some of us finally realized that this was probably little more than an attempt on their part to appear more grown-up and worldly; they never did quite fit the intended “Drink Beer!” image.  Bless their li’l hearts.

 

And so it came to pass in accordance with the pre-ordaining that the brewery with which Kappa Phi Delta should develop an affinity with was to be Burgermeister.  Home of the famed “Burgie Man” and producers of a perfectly acceptable libation.  Personally, I preferred the buttery bubbly-ness of Hamms and the peppery “bite” of Fallstaff. 

 

Nevertheless, I was quite happy with Burgie – as were every one of the other Kappa men and our guests.

 

Especially considering the price!

 

You see, a major part of this affinity between the brewery and the fraternity was the Burgermeister Hospitality Room.  Popular to the point where reservations had to be made at least six months in advance, the Brewery provided a venue for groups to gather for the purposes of professional meetings, receptions, presentations, or just plain ol’ fun – with beer and snacks (pretzels and nuts) provided gratis by Burgermeister.

 

And of course, the Hospitality Room was staffed by Kappa Phi Delta men.  Good duty indeed!

 

Even better, there was a perk:  All brewery employees – including the Hospitality Room staff – had special purchasing privileges.  To wit, every Thursday, they were allowed to buy beer at a fraction of retail price.  Kegs were something like half-price; six packs and cases equally discounted.  And the generic cans (same stuff, but with labels that merely said “BEER”) were something like two bucks a case.  Needless to say, we capitalized on this benefit and maintained a sizable supply of the golden fluid in the Kappa Phi Delta “Beer Locker.”

 

Well, the Brewery loved us!  Only one or two frat guys were actually paid employees and received a minimal wage – but the Room was always adequately staffed, as there was a perpetual ready pool of “unpaid interns” who could be summoned at a moment’s notice if required.  So, to accommodate large groups, it was not uncommon to see four or five eager and affable young college men staffing the events.

 

As noted, the Brewery did provide snacks.  Salty fare, nuts and pretzels, guaranteed to whet the thirst of attendees.  Very often, though, groups would cater their gatherings with menus ranging from pizza to a full luau.  Which, of course, they happily shared with the workers.

 

Now, Burgie arranged that two full kegs of suds would be available for each gathering.  However, on the rare occasion that two barrels might not be adequate, we could draw from a reserve – the security guard – he and the janitor were the only other employees on site at night - would unlock the chilled storage bin and we would literally “roll out the barrel.”  Nobody ever left thirsty!  Ironically, the group which held the record for Suds Consumed was none other than the California Highway Patrol – if memory serves, we had actually tapped a sixth keg by the end of the evening.  I should note, however, that this was a very large gathering.  And I’m sure – ahem! – that most of the consumable had been consumed by their guests, and that they had an adequate corps of “designated drivers” designated going in to the evening – although this was at least eighteen years before the “designated driver” concept was launched. 

 

Conversely, there were occasionally evenings when a group would not finish a single keg. Unlike the Skippers and Crews of the S F Bay Tugboat Union, members of the Sisterhood of Amalgamated Librarians of the Greater Bay Area might sip daintily while nibbling a single pretzel stick.  Tapped kegs, no matter how little had been dispensed, were sent off to be drained, cleaned, and re-filled.  Un-tapped kegs were returned to stock.

 

So one evening while cleaning up after a group of semi- teetotalers, one of us [ahem!] made note of this travesty – a veritable crime against nature.  And one of us also made note of something we all knew but never gave a second thought to – every keg designated for Hospitality Room use was marked as such with a blue stripe painted about the middle.

 

 Hm.

 

 Ya know, it seems that we have some empty kegs back at the House.  And it seems that there’s some cans of paint and paint brushes behind the downstairs bar…  hmmm…..

 

A plan was hatched!

 

I outlined my idea to some of the other fellas, who immediately saw the potential benefits of the scheme.

 

We at first could not believe it could possibly work – much, much too simple.  The proposal was thus:

 

Preliminary Preparations

1) We would identify two “extra” empty kegs from the Kappa Phi Delta store-room, and, after a quick trip to the hardware store (it seems that we did not have the proper shade of paint in our locker), brush a blue stripe on each to match that of an “Official Burgie Keg.”

2) We would then cut two pieces of ½” plywood approximately 3 ½ feet square.

 

Execution

3) On an evening where it would be apparent that the second keg was not to be tapped a call would be placed to the “House.”  A pledge would be assigned to “Phone Watch Duty,” and upon receipt of a call with the code message “Burgie Man Has Landed,” Half-Breed Pete, Hank, and one other guy (like ME!) would saddle up in the MacMobile – Pete’s decrepit-but-powerful 1938 Chevy – with a substitute counterfeit keg and the two pieces of plywood.

4) Meanwhile, two of the “extra” frat bros on “duty” in the Hospitality Room would challenge the janitor and security guard to a rollicking game of Gin Rummy – an opportunity they had never been known to pass on.  The bros would engage the two gentlemen for a period of at between ½ and ¾ hour, with heavy betting of pretzel sticks and vast quantities of soda pop consumed – no drinking on duty!

5) Upon arrival at the facility, a non-driving raider (me!) would deploy the plywood sheets on the “tire-shredders” that guarded the loading ramp exit ramp.  We would then drive up the out chute, invisible to the staff. 

6) When we reached the loading area, Hank and I would hop out again, swap the empty keg for a full, and we’d skedaddle – pausing at the bottom of the ramp to recover the plywood and Yippee – home with the booty!

 

And so it went.

 

Cheap beer is good.  FREE beer is more good.

 

But there was one thing that was even better…

 

When we would have a “joint” party, the girls were always happy to pay for half the cost of the beer.  After all, it was SUCH a mature thing to do. 

 

And of course, they were ever-so-grateful when the gentlemen of Kappa Phi Delta would graciously grant them a small discount. 

 

                                                                                                                            image.png.6c20821ccdc0b8b968bbeb1157df0242.png

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You, sir, need to write a book of the exploits, adventures, and shenanigans of your fraternity days.   I see it modeled along the lines of the classic,  "See Here, Private Hargrove!"  The name could even be similar,  "See Here, BrotherHardpan!"

 

:lol:

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