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Dirty Dan Dawkins

Dear Lord

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My daughter wants to start "seeing" this boy she met. Dear God please help my wife.

I can remedy most problems with a shotgun and a ride down a dirt road.

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Start drinking. It seems to help.

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When my daughters started to have young men calling, I always managed to be "cleaning" my shotgun when they arrived. I am not right certain if they were trying to score points with me, or had a genuine interest in firearms, but they spent more time talking to me than they did to my daughters. The daughters would always cry to Momma after they left. 

Edited by Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172
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Hand him a copy of this!:D

 

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


 

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Just remember,  no matter how much you dislike him NEVER EVER let your daughter know.  

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When the boys come to call, keep an eye on your dog.  If the dog acts hostile or ignores the guy, he's NOT the one for her.  OTOH, if the guy is sitting on the sofa and your daughter is still getting ready, and the dog jumps up on the sofa, better start saving for a wedding!  Just ask me how I know! :rolleyes::) 

 

Seriously (and I am about the above), if you've raised them right, it will be okay.  Both my daughters were very particular about the guys they dated. If he wasn't the right sort, they didn't go out with them again...without our saying anything.  Best of luck!

Stay well and safe, Pards!

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2 hours ago, Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172 said:

When my daughters started to have young men calling, I always managed to be "cleaning" my shotgun when they arrived. I am not right certain if they were trying to score points with me, or had a genuine interest in firearms, but they spent more time talking to me than they did to my daughters. The daughters would always cry to Momma after they left. 

I did the same thing.  Sort of back fired when one boy looked my gun over and asked that was an SKB 200.  I said it was and we ended up being friends until he died last year.  H e was a grad upland game man and finally found a 200E like mine.  

 

He was also one of my daughter's best friends  and he and her husband got along very well. 

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So lucky here Grandson is dating a nice girl with Really nice truck 

She is second year Union apprentice making  good $$$$ with a really nice truck

She is a good shot  but is in to Steel challege and drives really nice truck to range 

I tell him don't screw this up these days woman like this are hard to  find 

Good luck

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3 hours ago, Trailrider #896 said:

When the boys come to call, keep an eye on your dog.  If the dog acts hostile or ignores the guy, he's NOT the one for her.  OTOH, if the guy is sitting on the sofa and your daughter is still getting ready, and the dog jumps up on the sofa, better start saving for a wedding!  Just ask me how I know! :rolleyes::) 

 

Seriously (and I am about the above), if you've raised them right, it will be okay.  Both my daughters were very particular about the guys they dated. If he wasn't the right sort, they didn't go out with them again...without our saying anything.  Best of luck!

Stay well and safe, Pards!

 

Your dog vetting the girls you bring home works well too.

My dog picked my wife for me from quite a few I brought around the house.

First time Tippy saw my wife, she was playful, friendly and cuddled right up to her.

Only girl she did that with.

We're now in our 53 year of marriage.

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8 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:

Just remember,  no matter how much you dislike him NEVER EVER let your daughter know.  

 

7 hours ago, Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 said:

Girls do want to start 'seeing' boys. And vice versa. Nothin' new under the sun.

 

7 hours ago, Trailrider #896 said:

Seriously (and I am about the above), if you've raised them right, it will be okay. 

 

9 hours ago, Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172 said:

When my daughters started to have young men calling, I always managed to be "cleaning" my shotgun when they arrived. I am not right certain if they were trying to score points with me, or had a genuine interest in firearms, but they spent more time talking to me than they did to my daughters. The daughters would always cry to Momma after they left. 


All very good points. I did the gun cleaning as well. ;) it didn’t scare off the guy she married though. He’s a good man and they have been married over 15 years now. 
 

My daughter had a couple of real knuckleheads attracted to her but she weeded them out without me having to abduct them, drive them to the desert, shoot them and then bury them. (I am not kidding here...she was and is my little girl)

One day not long ago we were having a family get together and she told me that those 2 morons were scared to death of me. Made me feel all warm and happy inside...I guess those 2 idiots had a little sense after all...;)

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The gun cleaning thing worked OK, but I found that if you were found sharpening a very long,wicked looking knife before their first date ,it seemed to make an impression on a more visceral level.

The casual mention that I was a lifetime butcher helped to implant the mental image and if they were a fan of slasher movies, that was a plus.

The whiprered warning "Just remember, I have a shovel and a shotgun" appeared to have the desired effect on several occasions. 

Add to this that my daughter could prove that she could,in fact,out shoot them,appeared to thin the ranks somewhat.

Choctaw Jack 

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10 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:

Just remember,  no matter how much you dislike him NEVER EVER let your daughter know.  

This, ladies and gentlemen, IS FACT. 

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How old is your daughter?  There is a time when you can no longer have any say in whether or who she dates.  But at some ages you absolutely do!

 

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2 hours ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

How old is your daughter?  There is a time when you can no longer have any say in whether or who she dates.  But at some ages you absolutely do!

 

15. No going solo, not for a while.


Now my wife’s cousins are pretty fundamentalist. When their oldest came home from college, masters degree and all,they would not let her date unchaperoned, not once til the day she married. She was well into her mid 20s at that point. No one at any age lives/lived in that house but under their rules or they get kicked out and cutoff. Happened to her brother while he was in college.

We wouldn’t take it into the 20’s but to each their own. All 7 of their kids are pretty wonderful.

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1 hour ago, Dirty Dan Dawkins said:

15. No going solo, not for a while.

 

Every parent is different, but I would tend to agree with your protective nature of a 15 year-old girl.  I have two boys, and it's probably a good thing.  I'm protective of other peoples' teenage girls. 

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23 hours ago, Dirty Dan Dawkins said:

My daughter wants to start "seeing" this boy she met. Dear God please help my wife.

I can remedy most problems with a shotgun and a ride down a dirt road.

To add what has already been said...Get paper target, go to range...Set it up and move it close enough so you can put 10 rounds threw the center...That can be seen...

 

Bring it home and hang on inside of entry door...Where it can be seen by him as he leaves....Write on it 10 yds, moving target...

 

Texas Lizard

 

Something for him to think about...If not returned in good condition...

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3 hours ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

 

Every parent is different, but I would tend to agree with your protective nature of a 15 year-old girl.  I have two boys, and it's probably a good thing.  I'm protective of other peoples' teenage girls. 

We do live in one of the leading states for human trafficking.

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I worked it from a different direction.  My oldest daughter when she was about 25 that she was 17 before it dawned on her that I probably would not kill her if she misbehaved. Seemed to work for me.

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Knife sharpening works, too. 

 

Something about s-l-o-w-l-y pass a large blade (WW1 bayonets work well) across a stone that makes an impression.:rolleyes:

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7 hours ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

 

Every parent is different, but I would tend to agree with your protective nature of a 15 year-old girl.  I have two boys, and it's probably a good thing.  I'm protective of other peoples' teenage girls. 

i worried some , paid a lot of attention but my daughter did everything right - married well , and now im looking at the two five year old grandaughters thinking they might need a bit of supervision , 

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My daughter did good.  When she became interested in boys I made a comment to her once about how I wasn't afraid to go back to prison.  That rumor circulated around school and I heard it back from a couple of the boys.  Which I responded to with silence.  I asked her about it and she was like, "I only told the first guy who asked me out I swear." 

 

A couple that she was serious about in college, I told them that me and him were going to grab a shovel and head into the woods because I needed a hole about 6 feet long.  How deep?  Up to you, however deep you want it.  I would say that in front of the girl, he'd ask her what I'm talking about, and she said "Don't worry everyone so far has come back from the shovel ride".  I told him of course we'll be back.  We're just going to have a deep discussion about where you see yourself if you take advantage of my little girl. 

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