Jump to content
SASS Wire Forum
Sign in to follow this  
Subdeacon Joe

More Stupid Crooks

Recommended Posts

Got Warrants?
A "single-shot" Wednesday exclusive showing of the world's most marginally famous Bangor Police Department Facebook page.
Let us waste no time!
A man, dropped-off by taxi, at a local home improvement store determined that his life would be better if he had a battery-operated trimmer.
As he attempted at leaving the store without using cash, credit, or debit he discovered that rechargeable lithium-ion batteries can be used as fodder to foil his followers when they are thrown directly at loss prevention professionals. Investigators later determined that there were no Captain America Shields available in Lawn &Garden.
This heaving of two portable electrical power pods kept them at bay long enough for him to make his move toward the well-paved parking lot.
For some reason, the thief--now with no reasonable way to trim as he was out of battery power--was able to talk a lady into giving him a ride from the scene of the crime.
Where was this woman in 1980 when I tried to thumb a ride to Guilford, Maine to meet a lady that I had met at a basketball game? The man was able to sweet talk his way into her passenger seat which then set her up to be pursued by soon to be arriving officers of the law.
Could it be that she felt she could trust a man with a batteryless brush trimmer? Were his lines as sweet as his moves? We just don't know.
As the cops fell into place behind the kind and unknowing woman (similar to the final scene in The Blues Brothers) and the man with a trimmer that would no longer trim, the woman came to the realization that this mope was not ride-worthy.
She pulled to the side of the road for the cops, and trimmer-boy bailed out like he was destined to take Normandy; he wasn't, of course.
Trimmer boy jumped over the railing and made a good head of steam as he headed toward Hobby Lobby the hard way. Right through the brush. And here he was, without an operable trimmer. Was he looking to be framed? Glittered? We cannot read minds people!
He made it, but not before losing one of his shoes and a fairly new coat that he probably never paid for. Stymied by his stamina, the cops gathered up to go find him again. By that point, he had stolen a young girl's bicycle from in front of the Game Stop outlet.
John Candy and Steve Martin should have been so lucky in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. K9 assistance came in the form of a MSP Trooper and his dog, Odin. The team recovered the running man's coat but were not aware that he had taken to two (stolen) wheels in his journey to becoming the most unwanted man in Bangor.
We thought we had lost him.
A short time later we were contacted by loss prevention professionals from Kohl's Department Store. It seems a man wearing one shoe had purchased a pair of sporty brown boots after showing up on the lady's bicycle. He had seemed winded. He also did not explain his one shoe or his lack of the mate to that very same shoe.
He left the store.
But, the story does not end there. A few hours later, Trimmer-boy came back to Kohl's in the manner that all criminals soon return to the scene of their misdeeds. The man, still freshly shod with sporty brown boots then tried to fraudulently return some merchandise that had been stolen earlier. Of course, he wanted a refund. There is not a better way to get ahead than getting full value for items that you never paid for in the first place.
The suspicious crew of Kohl's called the police. Police arrived, and much to everyone's surprise, the man ran again.
He was caught by a Bangor Police Officer a short time later. He was taken to jail.
It was discovered that not only was Trimmer-boy powerless because he had previously lobbed the load of lithium, he was also out on bail for past misdeeds. He was charged with robbery, and theft, two counts of refusing to submit to arrest, and his cake had candles representing sixteen counts of violating his bail (also known as conditions of release) from the same number of--previous--and outstanding criminal charges.
When I use the term outstanding, I am using the word in the context of past, and unanswered incidents, and not, in the same way, that I might refer to Captain America's shield...or tights.
The man was not from the area, and we have heard that law enforcement officials from his area are pleased as punch that he moved on to Penobscot County.
These times do try us.
The young lady will get her bicycle back. This is how we roll. Well, SHE rolls.
Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people's things alone, and be kind to one another.
TC
BPD
3You and 2 others
 
  • Like 1
  • Haha 13

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bet he is already out on bail yet again. :angry:

  • Thanks 1
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thought you were talking about some of Biden’s cohorts!! :rolleyes: :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

He wouldn't pay for the trimmer but did he pay for the boots?  

He was trying to keep a low profile?

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, Dawg Hair, SASS #29557 said:

He wouldn't pay for the trimmer but did he pay for the boots?  

Reminds me of an Archie comic, back in the '60s. Jughead had a new pair of shoes and Archie wanted to know how he had afforded these new shoes.

 

He said he did not buy them. The store gave them to him. When he got through trying on shoes and was going to leave, they were unable to find the shoes he had come in with. So they gave him a new pair of shoes.

 

Archie said that was amazing, and wondered what happened to Jughead's old shoes.

 

Jughead said that he had walked into the store in his socks.

 

 

 

Ah, the good old days. When it only mattered that it be funny. It did not have to have a morally uplifting message of honesty.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.