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Friday Humor - jump in and add some


Pat Riot

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On 7/26/2022 at 8:33 PM, Subdeacon Joe said:

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The skipping church and going fishing hymn…Shall we gather at the river. :D

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Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways:
 
 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
  "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
 "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
  " Because I said so, that's why."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
 "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My father taught me IRONY.
 "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
 "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
   "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
   "Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
   "Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
   "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
   "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
 
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
   "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

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12 minutes ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways:
 
 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
  "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
 "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
  " Because I said so, that's why."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
 "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My father taught me IRONY.
 "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
 "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
   "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
   "Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
   "Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
   "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
   "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
 
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
   "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

I heard every one of those as a kid!

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Four communists go to a hotel.

When they get to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep. The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three began telling jokes about the Soviets, so he creates a plan.

The fourth communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup of coffee. “But deliver it exactly ten minutes from now.” The fourth communist goes to his room and waits. Right before the coffee arrived, the three are making jokes about Stalin. The fourth communist turns to his comrades and says “You know they can hear us, right?”

“That’s not true!” cried one of the communists. “Prove it!” The fourth communist goes over to a lamp and says “Could I have a cup of coffee?” At that moment, the waitress comes in with his coffee. The fourth commie enjoys his coffee, and all four go straight to sleep. 

The next morning, the fourth communist wakes up to find the room ransacked and his comrades missing. He goes to the front desk and asks the receptionist what happened. “The KGB took them,” she said. “Why didn’t they take me?” asked the fourth communist. “The Captain liked your joke.”
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11 minutes ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Four communists go to a hotel.

When they get to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep. The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three began telling jokes about the Soviets, so he creates a plan.

The fourth communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup of coffee. “But deliver it exactly ten minutes from now.” The fourth communist goes to his room and waits. Right before the coffee arrived, the three are making jokes about Stalin. The fourth communist turns to his comrades and says “You know they can hear us, right?”

“That’s not true!” cried one of the communists. “Prove it!” The fourth communist goes over to a lamp and says “Could I have a cup of coffee?” At that moment, the waitress comes in with his coffee. The fourth commie enjoys his coffee, and all four go straight to sleep. 

The next morning, the fourth communist wakes up to find the room ransacked and his comrades missing. He goes to the front desk and asks the receptionist what happened. “The KGB took them,” she said. “Why didn’t they take me?” asked the fourth communist. “The Captain liked your joke.”

 

This is an updated version of a Soviet era joke:

 

Vladimir Putin was waiting at a train station.

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48 minutes ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways:
 
 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
  "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
 "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
  " Because I said so, that's why."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
 "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My father taught me IRONY.
 "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
 "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
   "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
   "Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
   "Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
   "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
   "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
 
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
   "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Those are so true :D. I could here them as I read them. And somehow without being told, we knew not to eat the woodwork and get lead poisoning!

 

MORE LOGIC.  If you poke out your eyes, don't come crying to me.

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