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Friday Humor - jump in and add some


Pat Riot

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11 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

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God's way of telling you where your shin is.

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4 hours ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

:ph34r:  Uhg!  REALLY uuhhhg!

 

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1 hour ago, Sixgun Sheridan said:

 

Really dig the huge compensator on a .22LR. :rolleyes:

 

This post is why we really need a vomit emoji.

.

 

 ... well, ... it does help explain why "pop-tarts" need instructions .....   :mellow:

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3 hours ago, Sixgun Sheridan said:

 

Really dig the huge compensator on a .22LR. :rolleyes:

 

This post is why we really need a vomit emoji.

.

 

Here ya go.

chickenpuking.gif

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A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he  noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
 'That  sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire-fighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
 

The fire-fighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
 rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'     :lol

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A white haired geezer walked into a jeweler store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. biggrin5.gif
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old guy said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' nono.gif

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old guy seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' yesnod.gif

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the geezer stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the geezer and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account. willy_nilly.gif

''I know,' said the old geezer...'But let me tell you about my weekend.' thumbsup.gif
 

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A cab driver picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

 

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

 

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

 

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’
‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

 

The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Marco and I’m going to a costume party.’

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One day a guy dies and goes straight to hell.  As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: Why so glum

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.  Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, beer, everything! We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!  And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. 

Guy: That’s really super.

Satan: Do you do drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

 

Satan: Ooooh. 

 

You're gonna hate Fridays.

 

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HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 

 

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2 hours ago, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

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Considering we are still trying to teach folks here to wash their hands, maybe this is not out of line.  I hope people do this too, but just washing hands would be great.

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