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I get raised eyebrows from foreigners to Texas when I say, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you right now, I have too many irons in the fire.”

 

One lady thought I was referring to a press-iron and couldn’t figure out why I would have one in a fire.

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You know what really burns my butt?  A fire about yay high. 

 

There just aint no accountin fer some folks. 

 

Figures don't lie, but liars figger. 

 

Never bet a man at his own game. 

 

If a deal aint good tomorrow, then it aint good today. 

 

 

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“You have to hold your mouth just right to get it to open.”

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"Grinning like a Jackass eating sawbriers."

 

"That (what ever you're talking about)  can't pull a greased string out of a cat's A**."

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Shaking like a dog passing peach pits.

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