More adventures in stupid people tricks

[Cyrus Cassidy #45437]

The last one has been fun, so here is another:

So there I was...

 

...standing in the parking lot of a seedy, drug, gang and prostitution-ridden apartment complex in the middle of the night with one colleague and one...ummm...shall we say..."citizen."  He was a stereotype of everything that is the ghetto, and if his IQ matched his shoe size I would be surprised.  It had been a particularly long and challenging shift thus far (two dead bodies, if memory serves), and I had been on the midnight shift in the ghetto for nigh on 6 years -- conventional wisdom in my old department was do ONE year in the ghetto, and then transfer out.  Maybe come back later, but transfer out again after ONE or MAYBE TWO years at a stretch.  NEVER do more than two years back-to-back in the ghetto, or it starts changing you. 

 

Needless to say, I was changed.  I was every bit of a stereotype of an angry, midnight shift, ghetto cop.  To say I had no patience for stupidity is an understatement, and my sarcasm became fluent.

 

As the "citizen" rambled on and on about something incoherent, I looked at my colleague and said, "Dude, this guy votes."

Citizen:  "Naw man, I ain't vote.  They won't let me vote."

Me, interested:  "Are you a convicted felon?"  I wondered what kind of drugs it had been and who he had raped.  

 

Citizen:  "Naw, man they ain't never caught me.  I jus' ain't been to college."

 

Me:  "Sir, you don't have to go to college to vote.  This is America."

Citizen:  "Naw, man, not regular college.  That special one.  You know, the 'lec...'lec...'lec...'lectoral college."

 

Me:  *Oh my goodness, what did I just hear*  "You're right.  You can't vote."  

 

[Loophole LaRue, SASS #51438]

I was taking the deposition of a 50-something construction worker, who was injured while operating a pile driver.  He was clearly somewhat below average in the IQ department.  After an hour or so of what became clearly contradictory testimony about his name, his date of birth and his history of claims, he "explained", with a straight face, that he concurrently worked under one name and Social Security number, collected unemployment under a second, and collected worker's comp benefits under a third.  He must have noticed the look of disbelief on my face, and sensed that he had stepped in it, because he then volunteered that this arrangement was "all legit", because he had the permission of his deceased father and brother, whose names/numbers he was using to pull off this triple dip. 

 

His lawyer was close to tears as he left; so were we, but ours were tears of laughter.

 

LL

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

Yep. Just let 'em keep talking.

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

I was on a jury for a DUI case. When asked what he had to drink, the defendant went into great detail about before the game, at the game and after the game.

 

After the (very quick) conviction, his lawyer came up to the jurors standing outside the courthouse and said "We didn't stand a chance, did we?" 

 

I answered "No!". 

[MAYOBARD SASS #13025L]

During booking, “Are you right handed or left handed?”

moronic reply, “I’m Amphibious.”

 

[Muleshoe Bill SASS #67022]

Years ago in Harris County... Booking an innocent suspect...

Suspect - " Man I needs to make my call.... "

CO. " Wait till we are done"

 Suspect - " cant wait, I needs to tell my wife I shot her old boyfriend"

AO - CO exchange looks and die laughing

[Cyrus Cassidy #45437]

3 minutes ago, Muleshoe Bill SASS #67022 said:

Years ago in Harris County... Booking an innocent suspect...

Suspect - " Man I needs to make my call.... "

CO. " Wait till we are done"

 Suspect - " cant wait, I needs to tell my wife I shot her old boyfriend"

AO - CO exchange looks and die laughing

 

"Spontaneous utterances" not elicited under questioning are admissible in court

[Muleshoe Bill SASS #67022]

1 hour ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

 

"Spontaneous utterances" not elicited under questioning are admissible in court

But LEOs falling to the  floor laughing and giggling like children... is not!

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

2 hours ago, MAYOBARD SASS #13025L said:

During booking, “Are you right handed or left handed?”

moronic reply, “I’m Amphibious.”

 

I had an idiot in a General Courts Martial claim he was bisexual because he could use both hands equally well.  I called a recess and we all went outside and laughted for a full half hour before we could continue.

[MAYOBARD SASS #13025L]

I had a fella tell me he was bisexual.  I asked him if that meant he paid for sex.  He did not know what to say.

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

Not really stupidity but lack of common US knowledge.

 

Had a coworker from Poland getting married in Texas. He invited a few of us to attend as he had no relatives in the US. Due to numerous issues, our flight arrived at DFW about 6 hours late at 2am in the morning. He was at the airport to pick us up and drive us to the ranch house north of FW. 

 

As we were driving there, he took an exit and after a couple of miles stated that he did not know where he was. 

 

We asked him if he took the right exit and he replied "Yes, the exit is "frontage road".

 

After we explained to him what a frontage road was, we had fun trying to find a frontage road that he recognized that night. I think we got to the ranch about 6am.

[Birdgun Quail, SASS #63663]

1 hour ago, MAYOBARD SASS #13025L said:

I had a fella tell me he was bisexual.  I asked him if that meant he paid for sex.  He did not know what to say.

Reminds me of one of my stories where I came out of the closet...

 

Paper or Plastic?

 

Several years ago, when I lived in Alabama, I was visiting my parents who lived in Half Moon Bay, California, which is just south of San Francisco.  

I was in a Safeway grocery store in Half Moon Bay, I finished my shopping and went to the register.

After the lady at the register finished checking me out, she said rather too quickly for me to understand, "Paper or Plastic?" 

I said in my best slow southern accent, "I apologize Ma'am.  I didn't understand what you said.  Would you say that a little more slowly, please." 

The lady must have been having a bad day.  She said again, somewhat sarcastically and painfully slow, "Would you like a paper sack or a plastic sack?" 

With a confused look I answered the lady, "Ma'am, it don't matter to me.  I'm bi-sackual."  

 

The lady responded, "You're not from around here, are you?" 

"No ma'am.   I'm from Alabama."