Subdeacon Joe Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-to-brine-a-turkey-by-hp-lovecraft?fbclid=IwAR0tMvJh3BcgYfRzky-6-77QHWfAEUBqRhW1oFNZifWhNQpJ3pjXSbcXThk 1. A turkey may be so prepared and preserved that, according to Artephius’s Key of Wisdom, “an ingenious Man may raise the fine Shape of a Homunculus out of its Ashes at his Pleasure, so he may, without any criminal Necromancy raise the Shape of any dead Ancestor for study and labor.” A band of intrepid chickens leave behind the boredom of farm life, joining the crew of the pirate ship Pitiless to seek fortune and glory on the high seas. Led by a grizzled captain into the... 2. When you add aromatics to the brine, the resulting roast is also infused with a delicious, subtle character all its own. Follow these ancient instructions to prepare a perfect-brined turkey for your next feast. INGREDIENTS Makes enough brine for one 18- to 20-pound turkey 7 quarts (28 cups) water 1 1/2 cups Essential Saltes of Ancestor long dead 6 bay leaves 3 missing sailors from the Black Gulf of Tartarus 2 tablespoons whole black peppercorns 1 tablespoon fennel seeds 3 gallons of sea froth, harvested on the eve of Malbon 1 teaspoon black or brown mustard seeds 1 fresh whole turkey (patted dry) 1 bottle dry Riesling 2 medium onions, thinly sliced 6 garlic cloves, crushed 1 bunch fresh thyme Blood TOOLS AND MATERIALS Stone Altar 5-gallon brining container (cauldron?) Large brining or oven-roasting bag Refrigerator 1-3 Mute servants (for ‘dead sailor’ management) Copper brazier (not essential, but it will emit the coziest of lighting for a dinner with friends and family) STEP ONE: MAKE THE BRINE One day before roasting the turkey, bring one quart water, the Essential Saltes of a long dead Ancestor, bay leaves, and spices to a simmer, stirring until your Ancestor has dissolved. Let cool for 5 minutes. STEP TWO: SUBMERGE THE TURKEY “This is the kind of magazine you keep on your bookshelves with your favorite books.” — Cece Bell, author of El Deafo To minimize clean up for your Mute Servants, line a 5-gallon container with a large brining bag. Place turkey in bag. Add Ancestor mixture, remaining water, sea froth, blood of the missing sailors from the Black Gulf of Tartarus and other ingredients. Tie bag; refrigerate for 24 hours. If turkey is not completely submerged the monstrous apparition of your Dead Ancestor may be misshapen, half-formed and soft in the center. STEP THREE: REMOVE & ROAST Remove the turkey from brine one hour before you are ready to roast it, and pat it dry inside and out. Let stand for 1 hour before roasting it to your preferred specifications. Capture all noxious fumes arising from roast in standard Pentagram of Entrapment whilst chanting this simple invocation: OGTHROD AI’F GEB’L-EE’H YOG-SOTHOTH ’NGAH’NG AI’Y ZHRO! (This last step is necessary lest the shambling horror of your dead ancestor overpower you and assume your identity.) STEP FOUR: ENJOY! The only cure for the world’s malaise is a humor book with gilt edges and a ribbon marker. Order here… And Hail Cthulu! Note: You must, actually, Hail Cthulu — else be thrown in the Black Pit of the Elder and driven mad by nameless horrors and unknowable Archaean secrets for eternity. Happy Thanksgiving! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 I'll stick with the Weber, sans brining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 Kind of hard to follow this part of step 3. Do you have to chant the "L SEP" also? OGTHROD AI’F GEB’L-EE’H YOG-SOTHOTH ’NGAH’NG AI’Y ZHRO! (This last step is necessary lest the shambling horror of your dead ancestor overpower you and assume your identity.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 Don't forget the mince pie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted December 2, 2019 Author Share Posted December 2, 2019 Kind of hard to follow this part of step 3. Do you have to chant the "L SEP" also? OGTHROD AI’F GEB’L-EE’H YOG-SOTHOTH ’NGAH’NG AI’Y ZHRO! (This last step is necessary lest the shambling horror of your dead ancestor overpower you and assume your identity.) Purely optional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MizPete Posted December 3, 2019 Share Posted December 3, 2019 If you have the sea froth, I don't see why you'd need the additional 7 qts of water. And I don't want no dead sailor in my brine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 If you have the sea froth, I don't see why you'd need the additional 7 qts of water. And I don't want no dead sailor in my brine. The dead Sailor is there to add body. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MizPete Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 The dead Sailor is there to add body. sigh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.