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Lovecraftian Turkey Brine


Subdeacon Joe

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https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-to-brine-a-turkey-by-hp-lovecraft?fbclid=IwAR0tMvJh3BcgYfRzky-6-77QHWfAEUBqRhW1oFNZifWhNQpJ3pjXSbcXThk

 

1. A turkey may be so prepared and preserved that, according to Artephius’s Key of Wisdom, “an ingenious Man may raise the fine Shape of a Homunculus out of its Ashes at his Pleasure, so he may, without any criminal Necromancy raise the Shape of any dead Ancestor for study and labor.”


A band of intrepid chickens leave behind the boredom of farm life, joining the crew of the pirate ship Pitiless to seek fortune and glory on the high seas. Led by a grizzled captain into the...
2. When you add aromatics to the brine, the resulting roast is also infused with a delicious, subtle character all its own.

Follow these ancient instructions to prepare a perfect-brined turkey for your next feast.

INGREDIENTS
Makes enough brine for one 18- to 20-pound turkey

7 quarts (28 cups) water
1 1/2 cups Essential Saltes of Ancestor long dead
6 bay leaves
3 missing sailors from the Black Gulf of Tartarus
2 tablespoons whole black peppercorns
1 tablespoon fennel seeds
3 gallons of sea froth, harvested on the eve of Malbon
1 teaspoon black or brown mustard seeds
1 fresh whole turkey (patted dry)
1 bottle dry Riesling
2 medium onions, thinly sliced
6 garlic cloves, crushed
1 bunch fresh thyme
Blood
TOOLS AND MATERIALS
Stone Altar
5-gallon brining container (cauldron?)
Large brining or oven-roasting bag
Refrigerator
1-3 Mute servants (for ‘dead sailor’ management)
Copper brazier (not essential, but it will emit the coziest of lighting for a dinner with friends and family)
STEP ONE:
MAKE THE BRINE
One day before roasting the turkey, bring one quart water, the Essential Saltes of a long dead Ancestor, bay leaves, and spices to a simmer, stirring until your Ancestor has dissolved. Let cool for 5 minutes.

STEP TWO:
SUBMERGE THE TURKEY

“This is the kind of magazine you keep on your bookshelves with your favorite books.”
— Cece Bell, author of El Deafo
To minimize clean up for your Mute Servants, line a 5-gallon container with a large brining bag. Place turkey in bag. Add Ancestor mixture, remaining water, sea froth, blood of the missing sailors from the Black Gulf of Tartarus and other ingredients. Tie bag; refrigerate for 24 hours. If turkey is not completely submerged the monstrous apparition of your Dead Ancestor may be misshapen, half-formed and soft in the center.

STEP THREE:
REMOVE & ROAST
Remove the turkey from brine one hour before you are ready to roast it, and pat it dry inside and out. Let stand for 1 hour before roasting it to your preferred specifications. Capture all noxious fumes arising from roast in standard Pentagram of Entrapment whilst chanting this simple invocation:

OGTHROD AI’F 
GEB’L-EE’H
YOG-SOTHOTH 
’NGAH’NG AI’Y 
ZHRO!

(This last step is necessary lest the shambling horror of your dead ancestor overpower you and assume your identity.)

STEP FOUR: ENJOY!

The only cure for the world’s malaise is a humor book with gilt edges and a ribbon marker. Order here…
And Hail Cthulu!

Note: You must, actually, Hail Cthulu — else be thrown in the Black Pit of the Elder and driven mad by nameless horrors and unknowable Archaean secrets for eternity. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

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Kind of hard to follow this part of step 3.:wacko:

 

Do you have to chant the "L SEP" also?

OGTHROD AI’F 
GEB’L-EE’H
YOG-SOTHOTH 
’NGAH’NG AI’Y 
ZHRO!
(This last step is necessary lest the shambling horror of your dead ancestor overpower you and assume your identity.)
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Kind of hard to follow this part of step 3.:wacko:

 

Do you have to chant the "L SEP" also?


OGTHROD AI’F 
GEB’L-EE’H
YOG-SOTHOTH 
’NGAH’NG AI’Y 
ZHRO!

(This last step is necessary lest the shambling horror of your dead ancestor overpower you and assume your identity.)

 

 

Purely optional.

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If you have the sea froth, I don't see why you'd need the additional 7 qts of water.  And I don't want no dead sailor in my brine.

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