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Subdeacon Joe

How To Become A Baptist

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That would include every Presbyterian ever born.

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I resemble remark..... :D

 

I been Southern Baptist all my life, well atleast the parts I've lived so far. 

 

P.S. - it helps to have more than ONE casserole dish..... Ya never know when you one is gonna

get 'misplaced' during a 'Get Together'.

 

...........Widder

 

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To make a good Baptist, Ya need plenty of good strong Lye soap and a Scrub brush ,,,, then submerse them 3 times under ....

So they can have a Clean Start ....-_-

 

Jabez Cowboy

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Them Baptist’s believe in going to church on Sunday for a really looooooong time.

 

My wife is Catholic. We are going to church and the Baptist parking lot is full. We leave mass and their parking lot is still full. We get done with brunch? You guessed it..... the parking lot is full.

 

Sunday service is an all day affair I’m guessing.

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12 minutes ago, Wapaloosie73 said:

Them Baptist’s believe in going to church on Sunday for a really looooooong time.

 

My wife is Catholic. We are going to church and the Baptist parking lot is full. We leave mass and their parking lot is still full. We get done with brunch? You guessed it..... the parking lot is full.

 

Sunday service is an all day affair I’m guessing.

 

Usually an hour for Sunday School, followed by 1.5 - 2 hours of Church service(Singing and Preaching). 

 

And she darn well better know how to fry Chicken!

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13 minutes ago, Tyrel Cody said:

 

Usually an hour for Sunday School, followed by 1.5 - 2 hours of Church service(Singing and Preaching). 

 

And she darn well better know how to fry Chicken!

 

Well I belong to the church of the great outdoors..... I commune with Jesus while riding my horse or mule along the mountain peaks!

 

That’s a two day affair... all weekend.;)

 

And I’m not a chicken fan. Chewy stringy white meat. Ribeye on the grill now..... that’s the life! 

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59 minutes ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Speaking of Baptists, where is Birdgun?

I was wondering the same thing. Hey Burpgun, you about? He's probably over in the corner playing with his "cannon"

 

Imis

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1 hour ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

Is it true that given an option, Baptists must vote for a dry county?  Or must they just say that they voted for a dry county?

We must not admit that we voted wet,

We must not recognize the Pope as the Lord's representative

and

We must not recognize each other at Hooter's or the liquor store.

 

Duffield

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The difference between a Baptist minister and a Catholic, I told a Baptist minister that I discounted churches for my piano tuning services, I said, "I figure at the pearly gates they'll say, "He wasn't that good but he did help out the churches". The Baptist minister actually got a bit angry and said, "That's not the way you get into heaven"...blah blah blah...........

 

I told that same story to a Catholic priest and he said, " If you tune our pianos for free I'll make SURE you get into heaven!!:lol:

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2 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

Is it true that given an option, Baptists must vote for a dry county?  Or must they just say that they voted for a dry county?

 

 

 

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Baptists aren't allowed to make love standing up!!  It could be mistaken for dancing!!!

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3 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

 

 

For those that might like a copy of the speech:

 

 

Delivered by the late Noah S. "Soggy" Sweat, Jr., former Mississippi legislator, lawyer and judge, in 1952 when the Mississippi Legislature was considering legalizing liquor.


My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about whiskey. All right, here is how I feel about whiskey.

 

 If when you say whiskey, you mean the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil drink that topples the Christian man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation and despair and shame and helplessness and hopelessness - then certainly I am against it.

 

 But if, when you say whiskey, you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman's step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify his joy and his happiness and to forget, if only for a little while, lifes great tragedies and heartaches and sorrows; if you mean the drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars which are used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our pitiful aged and infirm, to build highways and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it.

 

 This is my stand, and I will not compromise.

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14 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

Image may contain: text that says 'A lady asked what she had to do to become a Baptist. I told her she had to believe in Jesus and own a 9x13 casserole dish.'

Also sounds like Mormons: that and lime Jell-o with shredded carrots and / or "funeral potatoes".

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5 minutes ago, Alpo said:

For those that might like a copy of the speech:

 

 

Delivered by the late Noah S. "Soggy" Sweat, Jr., former Mississippi legislator, lawyer and judge, in 1952 when the Mississippi Legislature was considering legalizing liquor.


My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about whiskey. All right, here is how I feel about whiskey.

 

 If when you say whiskey, you mean the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil drink that topples the Christian man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation and despair and shame and helplessness and hopelessness - then certainly I am against it.

 

 But if, when you say whiskey, you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman's step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify his joy and his happiness and to forget, if only for a little while, lifes great tragedies and heartaches and sorrows; if you mean the drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars which are used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our pitiful aged and infirm, to build highways and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it.

 

 This is my stand, and I will not compromise

Yep. a true politician he is.

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I am minded of the Show and Tell, where a grade schooler said "I am a Catholic and this is a rosary."
The next child said "I am Jewish and this is a menorah."
The third child said "I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
As far as voting dry, the story is told of good Baptists who, upon finding the watermelon was plugged, filled with moon likker and let set for a day before being served, surreptitiously slipped the seeds in their coat pockets ...

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8 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Speaking of Baptists, where is Birdgun?

Oh, I'm still here over in the corner, moping about the fact there still isn't a SASS approved Baptist Category.  And, yes, I'm still playing with my cannon, Anus Twohofon.

 

Now when it comes to a good ol' fashioned Baptist potluck dinner with all those wonderful casseroles and, of course, a generous helping of Gospel Bird (Sunday fried chicken), followed by all the delicious desserts....well....if Gluttony is a sin...we Baptist blow the bottom out of Hell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

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The reason they voted dry is because they didn't want the shot houses loosing business. ;)

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51 minutes ago, Birdgun Quail, SASS #63663 said:

Oh, I'm still here over in the corner, moping about the fact there still isn't a SASS approved Baptist Category.  And, yes, I'm still playing with my cannon, Anus Twohofon.

 

Now when it comes to a good ol' fashioned Baptist potluck dinner with all those wonderful casseroles and, of course, a generous helping of Gospel Bird (Sunday fried chicken), followed by all the delicious desserts....well....if Gluttony is a sin...we Baptist blow the bottom out of Hell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Glad you are here Birdgun. :D

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On 7/10/2019 at 10:48 PM, Widder, SASS #59054 said:

Ya never know when you one is gonna

get 'misplaced' during a 'Get Together'.

That's why you put your name on a piece of masking tape on the bottom of it.  Every Presbyterian knows that.

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 WHY ???

 

Become a Baptist ???

When they get to Heaven they are all put in a walled compound, so they won't see all the other Non Baptist's partying and visiting .... And enjoying Beef Steak on the Bar-B-Que and riding Dirt Bikes ,,,,, And Shooting ...

 

Jabez Cowboy

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The 9 x 13 dish is the entry level version.  The bigger the dish the better Baptist you are.

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45 minutes ago, Paladin Gun For Hire said:

The 9 x 13 dish is the entry level version.  The bigger the dish the better Baptist you are.

 

Or bring two... a casserole and a dessert.  ^_^

 

Peach cobbler!  ;)

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2 hours ago, Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 said:

 

Or bring two... a casserole and a dessert.  ^_^

 

Peach cobbler!  ;)

Peach Cobbler!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in.

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I suppose I'd make a decent Baptist. I can't dance.

 

I recall being told that you always take two Baptists fishing with you, because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

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10 minutes ago, DocWard said:

I suppose I'd make a decent Baptist. I can't dance.

 

I recall being told that you always take two Baptists fishing with you, because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

 

I have a Mormon buddy.....that works fer them as well.

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19 minutes ago, DocWard said:

I suppose I'd make a decent Baptist. I can't dance.

 

I recall being told that you always take two Baptists fishing with you, because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

Doc, take me fishin' with you.  I'll drink all your beer and eat all your groceries. :P

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2 minutes ago, Birdgun Quail, SASS #63663 said:

Doc, take me fishin' with you.  I'll drink all your beer and eat all your groceries. :P

 

Well, since I don't fish because I've never been very good at it, and I drink very little, you might be quite disappointed.

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On 7/12/2019 at 10:33 PM, DocWard said:

 

Well, since I don't fish because I've never been very good at it, and I drink very little, you might be quite disappointed.

 

I aint no good at fishin neither.  It don't stop me from going.  I remember Burt Reynolds once said he didn't even bait the hook because it caused too much work. 

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