Wild Will Bartell Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 Ever started with someone saying, “I was sitting, having a salad one day...” so, here goes... I was walking into a saloon one day, when I looked down and spotted two brand new tennis balls on the ground in the parking lot. I was considering buying some anyway, to use as a therapeutic aid for my sore arches, so I picked them up and put them in my pocket for safekeeping whilst I was having a nice icy-cold Shiner. After a while, this lady bellies-up to the bar, orders a beer and turns her gaze towards me and my mid section. “So, watcha’ got goin’ on down there, cowboy?” she says. Realizing what she was looking at, I sheepishly replied, “Tennis balls”. She looks at me kinda funny, and says, “Ouch, that must really hurt. I had tennis elbow once and it was really painful”. I spit out a mouthful of beer, the barkeep fell on the floor in the fetal position laughing, and a woman standing next to me fainted. OK, who’s next? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forty Rod SASS 3935 Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 Lady asked me how I was. I said "pretty good". She looked me up and down and said "Honey, you look like you might be good, but you sure ain't pretty". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imis Twohofon,SASS # 46646 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I told a buddy something very improbable one time and he responded with " and my (behind) is a Chinese typewriter" Imis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DocWard Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, I have, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1957, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1957!? She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texas Lizard Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 21 hours ago, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said: Lady asked me how I was. I said "pretty good". She looked me up and down and said "Honey, you look like you might be good, but you sure ain't pretty". She had your number... Texas Lizard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caliope Cupcake #13981 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 When I was a checker for Alpha Beta in the '70s, we had several box boys/girls for bagging groceries. It was often their first job age 15.5/16 to 18. I noticed a new boy one day and introduced myself. It was the duty of experienced box help to show new ones the ropes. Two of the boys sent him on a search for something he never heard of and couldn't find, so he asked me: "Can you tell me where the fallopian tubes are??" The others were rollin' on the floor, but I was 27, and could only smile and tell him the painful truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillbilly Drifter Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 way back when my bride turned 40 I told her I was going to trade her for 2 20s. She informed me that I wasn't wired for 220....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
South-Eye Ned Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I used to be a Bank auditor. One hazing ritual was to get a Newbie auditor to go to the head teller and ask for the master list of bait money that was marked if the bank were to get robbed. Always asking for clarification, he (I never did this to the ladies) would be instructed to go ask for the master bait list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J. Mark Flint #31954 LIFE Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 On 8/26/2018 at 7:11 PM, Imis Twohofon,SASS # 46646 said: I told a buddy something very improbable one time and he responded with " and my (behind) is a Chinese typewriter" Imis and that would be Blackwater, I have no doubt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caliope Cupcake #13981 Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 HOWDY FLINT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 As a youngish Master Corporal, I recall sending a new Private to Stores for paint to paint The Last Post. He was later commissioned, but by then, fortunately, so was I. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SGT. QUINCANNON, SASS #32999 Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 My father was a meat cutter. One day a woman came up to the meat counter and asked about the weekly specials. He told her ground chuck was on sale, as were frying chickens and pork sausage. Then he mentioned that he also had some nice beef tongues on sale. She shuddered and said, "oh, I could never eat a cow's tongue". Dad asked her why not and she said, "It's been in a cow's mouth!" Dad said, "You eat eggs, don't you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shotgun Willie Nelson Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 On 8/27/2018 at 6:46 PM, Hillbilly Drifter said: way back when my bride turned 40 I told her I was going to trade her for 2 20s. I told mine that once and she replied "Just remember, 20 goes into 40 easier than 40 goes into 20." Must be that new math, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caliope Cupcake #13981 Posted September 5, 2018 Share Posted September 5, 2018 SHOTGUN, THAT ONE REMINDS OF WHAT MAE WEST SAID WHEN SHE WAS ASKED WHY SHE PREFERRED MEN SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN HERELF, AND SHE SAID, "BECAUSE 20 GOES INTO 60 A WHOLE LOT OF TIMES." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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