Joke Time! It's gettin' too serious in here...I'll start

[Dantankerous]

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

 

Nothing.  They just waved.

 

 

[Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172]

On ‎4‎/‎13‎/‎2017 at 4:16 PM, Reuben McCoy Rankin # 34239 said:

gettin a little better!

That is a matter of opinion. 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

How do you catch a Unique Rabbit?

 

You neek up on it.

 

How do you catch a Tame Rabbit?

 

Tame way.

 

[Dantankerous]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey."

 

The horse responds, "sure."

 

 

 

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[Dantankerous]

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer." The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer. "You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here." To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

One day at morning an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

 

"They called back!"

[Dantankerous]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

[Pat Riot]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

 

Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”

 

Those Romans....what a hoot! 

[Pat Riot]

Man walks into a bar in the west of Ireland and says to the barman: "Which is the quickest way to Ballymac ?"
Barman: "Are you walking or do you have a car ?"
Man: "I have a car"
Barman:" Ah well then, that´s the quickest way !"

[Pat Riot]

A bear walks into the bar and asks "Can I have a………………………………………………………Guinness?" and the barman replys, "why the big paws?"

[Dusty Hill, sass # 49256]

Here's a couple for the young un's.

Hickory dickory dock,
2 mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one........
and the other one escaped with minor injurys.

Once upon a time there was 4 bears,
Papa bear who liked drinking beer,
Momma bear who liked eating beans,
Teenage bear who like to listen to Cha Cha records,
And baby bear who hadn't taken an interest in anything yet.

So one day Pa Pa bear, Momma bear and Teenage bear go out for a walk,
While they were gone baby bear decided to give papa bear's beer a try and downed a couple bottles.
Then he thought he would try some of Momma bears beans and ate a whole bunch of them.
Then he sat and listened to teenage bears cha cha records for a while and then retired to his room.

A little later Papa bear Momma bear and teenage bear returned.
Pap bear yelled "WHO BEEN DRINKING MY BEER?"
Momma bear yelled "WHO"S BEEN EATING MY BEANS"?
Teenage bear yelled "WHO" BEEN LISTENING TO MY CHA CHA RECORDS?"

Just then Bay bear came staggering into the room and goes HIC, FFFAAARRRT, (fart sound) Cha Cha Cha.
 

[Dantankerous]

1 hour ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

A bear walks into the bar and asks "Can I have a………………………………………………………Guinness?" and the barman replys, "why the big paws?"

 

A bear walks into a bar. Everyone else leaves in a hurry.

[Dantankerous]

Three cowboys of the world are sitting 
around camp talking about how tough they were and the tales kept getting bigger and bigger. 

 

The cowboy from Australia says, "I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and may it cry like a baby." 

The Cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says, "I killed a 400 pound steer 
with my bare hands." 

The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept stirring the campfire with his leg.

[Birdgun Quail, SASS #63663]

On this blessed Resurrection Sunday, a Little Johnny Easter joke:

 

Little Johnny had been so bad at his public school, his parents sent him to a very strict church school with a very strict teacher.  Little Johnny was showing remarkable improvement in his behavior.

One day, as it was getting closer to Easter, the teacher asked the class that Little Johnny was in, "What is Easter?"

Three hands with up; Billy, Tommy, and, of course, Little Johnny.

 

Teacher:  Okay Billy, what is Easter?

Billy:  Oh that's the holiday where we go cut down a tree, drag it into the house, decorated it, and give each other presents .

Teacher: No, Billy.  That's Christmas.

 

Teacher: Tommy, do you want to try and tell us what is Easter?

Tommy:  Oh yes!  That's the day when we wave the flag, have parades and a bar-b-que.  Then that night we shoot off fireworks.

Teacher:  No, Tommy.  That's Independence Day.

 

Teacher:  Little Johnny, you can stop waving you hand.  Tell us what is Easter?

Little Johnny:  Teacher, Easter is the day when Jesus was crucified on the cross and died for our sins.

Teacher:  Well, Little Johnny, you are close, but the day Jesus died was on Good Friday.  Do you remember what happened on Easter Sunday?

Little Johnny:  Oh, yes, l remember.  That's the day Jesus came out of His tomb.  

Teacher:  And......

Little Johnny:  And....... if He sees His shadow, He goes back in and we have six more weeks of winter!

 

 

[Cowboy Small]

A skeleton  walked  into  a  bar and  ordered  a beer  and  a  mop.

[StirrupTrouble]

What do you call a hippies wife?

 

Mississippi

 

[Calamity Kris]

A guy walks into a bar...................

 

 

 

The bar was not damaged in the incident.

[Calamity Kris]

A Preacher and a Rabbi walk into a bar.....................

 

 

 

 

Didn't they see the first guy do that?

[Calamity Kris]

A couple walk into a bar................

 

 

 

They must have both been blond to have not seen the first people do that.

[Calamity Kris]

A woman walks into a bar.............

 

 

Ok it's time to avoid this town.  Too many people who don't watch where they are walking.

[Nickel City Dude]

Time for a Cowboy joke

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride in to town on a hot dusty day and tie there hoses in front and go into the saloon for a beer.  A cowboy walks in and says “hay who owns that white stallion out side”?  The Lone Ranger stands up, synchs his belt and says “that’s my horse, what about it?”  The cowboy says “just thought you would like to know that he looks nearly done in from the heat”.  The Lone Range and Tonto run out side and sure enough Silver is in a bad way.  They take off the saddle pore water over him and give him a drink.  Silver is starting to get better and the Lone Ranger says “Tonto, why don’t you run around Silver and stur up the air and that will cool him of faster”?  Tonto says “OK Kemosabe me do”.  So Tonto is running around Silver stirring up the air and The Lone Ranger figures that ain’t anything more I can do out here, might as well go back inside and finish my beer.

Wile he is sipping on his beer a cowboy walks in and says “hay who owns that white stallion out side”?  The Lone Ranger stands up all exasperated and says “that’s my horse what’s wrong now”?  Cowboy says “nothing wrong, I just thought you would like to know that you left your ingen running”!

[Dantankerous]

A cowboy rides into town in the Wild West and shoots an artist.

 

The sheriff asks him, "Why did you do that?"

 

The cowboy says, "I thought he was going to draw."

[Pat Riot]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke"?

[Dantankerous]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll beat you all unconscious."

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

5 hours ago, StirrupTrouble said:

What do you call a hippies wife?

 

Mississippi

 

CORNY, but still hilarious!

 

Thanks.

[Tennessee Trapper Tom]

14 hours ago, StirrupTrouble said:

What do you call a hippies wife?

 

Mississippi

 

Love it. I'll use it!

[Cat Brules]

Cowboy Walks Into a Bar......

 

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No Mam", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "Well, it reads minds by intercepting, collecting and sorting alpha waves, then it talks to me telepathically, giving me information tailored to my personal profile." 

 

The lady laughs and asks, "Oh, is that right?  Well, what"s it telling you now?"  Still looking at the watch, the cowboy says, "Well, right now, it's telling me you're not wearing underwear." The woman blushes and angrily replies, "Well it must be broken because I certainly am wearing underwear!"  

 

But, the cowboy is distracted and is busy tapping at the watch.  After a moment, he looks up, smiles, taps the watch again and says, "I'm very sorry, Mam.  Looks like this dang thing is running almost an hour fast!"

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A cowboy rides into town in the Wild West and shoot an artist.

 

The sheriff asks him, "Why did you do that?"

The cowboy says, "I thought he was going to draw."

[Dantankerous]

A visitor to Arizona once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches then."

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

 

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."

The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"

"Rustling."

[Pat Riot]

 

[Dutch Wheeler]

A lonely widow, age 70,  decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the  local paper that read:      

  

HUSBAND  WANTED: 
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP  (70's), 
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND  ON ME 
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN  BED!!!!! 
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN  PERSON.    

 

On the second day,  she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to  see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms  or legs. 

 

The old woman said, 'You're not  really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you  have no legs! 

 

The old man smiled,  'Therefore, I cannot run around on  you!' 

 

She snorted. 'You don't have any  arms either!' 

 

Again, the old man  smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat  you!' 

 

She raised an eyebrow and asked  intently, 'Are you still good in  bed???' 

 

The old man leaned back,  beamed a big smile and  said, 

 

'Rang the doorbell  didn't I?'

[Pat Riot]

Fisherman's ad:
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook, catch worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motor boat. 

[Dorado]

I was in a locksmiths shop when a man walked in and said,

"Hey Sue, didja here about my new one legged girlfriend?"

Sue: "No what about her?"

"She works for Budweiser in the hops department!"

 

 

True story.