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Pat Riot, SASS #13748

Joke Time! It's gettin' too serious in here...I'll start

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An attractive blonde from arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet  twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. 
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when  I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" 
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of  the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. 
The dealers stared at each other
dumbfounded. 
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The  other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." 

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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

 

In the end you ignore everything and click, "I agree".

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A group of older women were having tea when the topic of the lives of their children came up.

 

"Ach", said Elvira, "My daughter, Gretal, has found true happiness!"  "Her husband treats her like a queen!"  "He cleans the house, does the laundry, handles all of the shopping...she does not need to lift a finger!"  "Such a Prince he is!"

 

"But", she added, "my son...oh. my son!"  "Poor Hansel is cursed!"  "Such a monster he married!"  "She makes him clean the house, do the laundry, and even shop for groceries!!! Can you imagine!  She has stripped him of his manhood."  "Such a witch she is."

 

LL

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

 

The bartender tells him to leave because "We don't serve food here."

 

:D

 

 

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I'm kind of handicapped here ...

After a lifetime "under the siren," running fire, police and paramedic (generally simultaneously), the only ones I hear are rude, crude and socially unacceptable!

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A priest buys a parrot that has a foul mouth. He brings it back to the pet shop and the pet shop owner says "No worry father, I'll train him to pray and he won't swear anymore". The priest says okay and he's told to come back in 2 weeks. The priest comes back in two weeks and the pet shop owner says, "Okay if you pull his right leg he'll say the Hail Mary, if you pull his left leg he'll say the Our Father". The priest says, "Ok great!! By the way what happens if I pulled both his legs"?

 

The parrot says. "I'll fall on my ass you damn fool!"

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There once was this rich old miser who wouldn't spend any of his money nor let his wife spend any. He made his wife promise to bury his money with him when he died, and told EVERYBODY about it to make sure she did. Sure 'nuff he croaked eventually. At his funeral his wife walked by and kissed him on the cheek. On the way back from the burial her best friend asked her "I just HAVE to know. Did you really bury all that money with him?" Wife said "Well, sorta." Friend "Sorta???" Wife "I had all the money transferred to my account. When I leaned over and kissed him I slipped a check for $10 million in his pocket." :lol:

JHC

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What's red and bad for your teeth?

 

A brick.

 

 

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What part of a cat is like Napoleon?

 

The boney part!

 

(As told to me by my niece when she was six years old.)

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THE DEAF ITALIAN BOOKKEEPER AND THE IRISH LAWYER

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
$10,000,000. The Italian bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that he would hear nothing so he
would not be able to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront him about his missing $10 million, he takes along his Irish lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

 

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the money?"

 

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s head and says,
"Ask him again. Tell him if he doesn't tell me, I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

 

The bookkeeper trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

 

The Godfather asks the Irish lawyer, "What did he say?"

 

The Irish lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

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A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chowder.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chowder back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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Two blondes were heading north up the 5 FWY for a day at Disneyland. As they got near, they saw a road sign that said "Disneyland Left".

 

So they turned around and went home.

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What did one Japanese man say to the other Japanese man?

 

I don't know. I don't speak Japanese.

 

 

 

 

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and one woman.

 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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:-\  ?

Do you know what the punishment is for bigamy?

>

>

>

>

>

Two mothers-in-law..... :-(

 

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A Panda walks into a burger joint, orders a burger, eats it then pulls out a gun shoots the waiter and leaves.

A cop apprehends the Panda and says "What the heck is wrong with you"?

And the Panda says: "You don't know much about Pandas do you? A Panda eats shoots and leaves."

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Knock knock

Who's there?

I eat mop.

I eat mop who?

 

:huh:

 

Yup. They is gettin' worser all the time. 

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A guy walks into a bar with a frog on top of his head.
The bartender sees this and says "So what do we have Here"?
The frog says " it all started with a wart on my butt".

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42 minutes ago, Dantankerous said:

Knock knock

Who's there?

I eat mop.

I eat mop who?

 

:huh:

 

Yup. They is gettin' worser all the time. 

Seriously...It could be worse? :P:D:lol:

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Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in.

“Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

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A duck goes into a drug store and says to  the lady at the counter "I want some Chap Stick, and put it on my bill."

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Proof-Nevada.jpg

Q:  What kind of horses are those?

 

 

 

 

A:  Why, of course, they're "quarter" horses!!:P

 

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A foursome of friends is on the 9th hole on a Saturday morning, when one of the players stops in mid-swing, stares at a line of cars passing the course, and doffs his cap.

 

The other golfers are impressed by his solemn respectfulness, and do likewise.

 

When the last car in the cortege has passed, the first golfer wipes a tear from his eye, replaces his cap, and resumes his stance at the tee.

 

One of his friends notices his apparent sensitive response, and remarks:

 

"Gee, Tommy....you got rather  emotional over that funeral..."

 

To which Tommy replied:
 

"Well, you know, she was a damned good wife for the last 10 years."

 

LL

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One can learn the meaning of a word by brwaking it down into its roots.

Example:

Politics

Poly means 'many'

Ticks are blood-sucking pests.

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If you are a Russian going into the bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are you while you are in the bathroom?...........................................European

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