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Wolfgang, SASS #53480

then the fight started . . . .

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

 

 

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Thanks, I needed something to distract me from the cabin fever I've been suffering for the past few days.

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:lol::lol::lol: Thanks for those!!!

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I just read these to my wife.

Since I'm also in the process of cooking dinner, I think I'm safe.

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I was laughing so hard .

My wife come over and said read it to me .

Thats when the fight started !

Thanks Pard :-)

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Ya know, if you use these in the right way you could hang out in your garage for a whole weekend and not be bothered. You might have to sleep there too...but you won't be bothered :D

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Excellent!

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Wife's may throw flowers at you but they throw jewelry

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Wife's may throw flowers at you but they throw jewelry

 

???????

 

Blackfoot :wacko:

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When I was still a 1st Lieutenant I was in an Officers Club in Ton Son Nhut. (Spelling?). Another 1st Lieutenant was at the bar bragging about being a West Point graduate and loudly declaring that "mustangers" and ROTC grads were NOT real officers. I listened to that for awhile then told the table that it was my turn to get the drinks.

i walked up to the bar right next to this guy and ordered the drinks, then while I was waiting I turned to him and asked if he was a West Pointer. He turned to the others with him and said "See? It shows". I said "No, it doesn't. I just noticed your class ring while you were picking your nose".

 

He made the mistake of spinning his bar stool as he turned to swing. He was unconscious before he fell.

 

Wasn't even a real fight.

 

Guess West point didn't teach him all he needed to know.

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Walked into the bar last night. Girl dancing on a table, I commented " good legs" . She giggled and replied You really think so? Yes Ma-am , regular table would have broke by now!! Many the saga continue GW

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Wife's may throw flowers at you but they throw jewelry

Husbands throw jewelry

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When I was still a 1st Lieutenant I was in an Officers Club in Ton Son Nhut. (Spelling?). Another 1st Lieutenant was at the bar bragging about being a West Point graduate and loudly declaring that "mustangers" and ROTC grads were NOT real officers. I listened to that for awhile then told the table that it was my turn to get the drinks.

i walked up to the bar right next to this guy and ordered the drinks, then while I was waiting I turned to him and asked if he was a West Pointer. He turned to the others with him and said "See? It shows". I said "No, it doesn't. I just noticed your class ring while you were picking your nose".

 

He made the mistake of spinning his bar stool as he turned to swing. He was unconscious before he fell.

 

Wasn't even a real fight.

 

Guess West point didn't teach him all he needed to know.

Biggest hole in their curriculum is they fail to teach that "Youth and speed is no match for old age and treachery".

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Two guys sitting in a bar last night, watching the championship game.

#1 says, "I do not understand why 'bama does not have 51 percent of the points. They deserve the national championship!"

#2 says, "The final score decides whether the Tide or the Tigers is the best team."

And then the fight started...

 

(There was an article in USA Today website today telling how Clemson would not be in the championship game but never mentioned that they won the game last night.)

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Two guys sitting in a bar last night, watching the championship game.

#1 says, "I do not understand why 'bama does not have 51 percent of the points. They deserve the national championship!"

#2 says, "The final score decides whether the Tide or the Tigers is the best team."

And then the fight started...

 

(There was an article in USA Today website today telling how Clemson would not be in the championship game but never mentioned that they won the game last night.)

Old age? Hell,son, I was only 26 at the time.

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There's enough there to keep you sleeping on the couch for a looong time.

:-)

;-)

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Bea was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "ROLAN! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

 

Rolan replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

 

Bea yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

 

So......Rolan mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Bea! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

 

Bea replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

 

Rolan yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

 

Bea says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

 

So with that, Rolan sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Bea hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

 

Rolan proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "BEA ! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Bea replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

 

 

And then the fight started...

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Bea was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "ROLAN! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

 

Rolan replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

 

Bea yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

 

So......Rolan mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Bea! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

 

Bea replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

 

Rolan yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

 

Bea says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

 

So with that, Rolan sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Bea hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

 

Rolan proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "BEA ! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Bea replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

 

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

 

....... didjaeva git thet seat fixed ???

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I believe those 3 whales got their licks in earlier.

:-)

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OMG I just coughed hot tea through my nose! Bwah-HA hahahahahaha hehehehe :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Edited by Pat Riot, SASS #13748

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Twenty Dollars Apiece

 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Edited by Maddog McCoy SASS #5672
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My wife got mad at me last night and threatened to cut me off

 

I replied...How can you, you don't know where I'm getting it

 

.......and then the fight started

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A few things I learned early in my marriage - been married to my Lady for 36 years, so it all worked out.

 

Never say "Just shut your mouth and listen". It does not have the desired effect...

 

Never help your wife clean our her side of the closet by tossing a crusty pair of sneakers that it turns out are her favorite shoes in the whole world. I still hear about that one.

 

Diplomacy is learned quickly after answering this question honestly - "Do these pants make my butt look big"?...Yes, I answered honestly.

 

Never say, "Who the hell taught you to drive, let's get moving". That will guarantee and extra half hour added to any trip.

 

After a tiff over something trivial make sure your wife is definitely out of ear shot before grumbling and mumbling about her...

 

These are just a few of the things that could end with "...and then the fight started" :D

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