without the words to say what I feel

[Trigger Mike]

The dr cut the chemo down to very little since my wife was unable to handle it so she got less bitter and sour and we stopped arguing everyday. by the time she got a grip on herself she had repeatedly said we destroyed our marriage and then by this time I became silent, preferring silence to arguing and told her so. She did not like that so she set us up for counseling. She spent a good bit of time yelling about how bad I am to the counselor. I did to, just not yelling as much. In it she told him how she used to break up with me when we were dating. In particular my folks hated her and refused to let us date so I left home at age 17 and had no car and no where to gout a roach motel. She wanted me to go back home so she told the counselor that to get me t do that she decided to remove the reason I left home, which was her by breaking up with me. Which I still did not go back home but eventually got her back, so most of this is my fault for marrying her anyway. The next session was more about me and how I changed and then added it was for the better in some ways, but still yelling about it and how one day i took the kids to school and brought home breakfast and did not tell her so she ate before i got home, and then the next day i bought myself breakfast and not her and she had not ate.

 

she had verbally said she would stop arguing and do better, having failed that she wrote it on paper titled OATH and said she would control her temper and stop arguing back and forth for hours like we do and give me the respect I deserve. I asked her what will you do then to correct the behavior of our 11 year old who has begun to copy yours and treat me and her brothers with disrespect. after I left she went to my 11 year old and said, "you need to stop being condescending and calling your brothers names or your father and your husband will not like you like your father does not like me" which made my daughter run into the woods to cry. I asked what was wrong with my daughter and why does she seem upset and then she told me what she had told her. I became real angry as the day wore on. I tried to make it good with my daughter but wonder, especially since she is adopted and many adopted children have security issues by nature of what brought about being adopted. Now, though she many times said she would break up the marriage by cheating on me and then chained and said she had only said that because she loves me that much, she says amidst all of what she told my daughter she will not cheat on me for she "will not make it that easy for" me. Which I told her is typical for she has not made taking care of her easy. I wish this would end. alas it will not. i don't know what to do really.

[Cypress Sun]

I may catch some flak for this........life is too short to be this miserable. Divorce laws in Georgia are the same as most everywhere else. I can't imagine any religion would enforce this on any person.

[Nasty Newt # 7365]

I'm very sorry. I don't know what else to say.

[Trigger Mike]

I wonder how life was without the nearly daily going back and forth with each other. I forgot.

[Cypress Sun]

You havem't forgot.....you remember.

[Badlands Bob #61228]

It's past time to make some tough decisions. Life is too short.

[DocWard]

I simply have no good answers. I know you've said your religion doesn't accept nor condone divorce, except in very limited circumstances, and that you have a desire to become more within the church. You also already know that there exists risk with the kids, especially one which is adopted, if you were to look in that direction.

 

My concern for you is your mental health. Every person has a point beyond which they break. It may be a slow process, or it may be sudden and nearly catastrophic. It seems you have been pushed and pushed ever closer. It may be that your only option for your mental health is to remove yourself from the situation. I still hope that is not the case, but it seems that even when your wife isn't being overtly hostile, she is damaging things in a passive-aggressive manner.

 

For what it's worth, you will be in my thoughts and meditations.

[Trigger Mike]

i agree the end of the rope is near. I am trying to find a way to protect the children as much as possible. I take them places without her often. when i pick up the two older ones from the bus i take the younger ones with me and we usually go somewhere for two hours or so. sometimes they just want to go home. i took them fishing and in our ATV in the woods today but during fishing (in our front yard) i stepped inside to see how my daughter was doing as she left fishing and her mom and i went at it some and my son called for me to come out there and we i tarried going at her for telling my daughter i may not like her one day if she did not change my son got hurt by a cat fish. it cut 4 fingers. he is fine but i should have been with him instead.

 

i told the counselor she would tell my son BEFORE cancer came when she was homeschooling him how he was sorry and lazy and pathetic and how he disgusted her. She defended calling him sorry and lazy to the counselor but denied telling him he disgusted her but a friend was at the house at the time and heard it.

[Bama Red]

TM -

Like so many others have said, it is time to think of yourself and the children. This is a very caustic relationship for you and them and they may be less capable of bearing up under these daily onslaughts from your wife.

 

I'm going to be brutally harsh about this part: any religion which does not allow relief from this type of situation is not a religion at all. To deny your followers the true peace of God at a time when it is desperately needed is a betrayal of the true Christian ethic that is the basis for all Christian religions and quite a few others as well. This situation can cause scars requiring many years to heal, if indeed they can ever be completely healed. If it is any consolation, it is the chemicals being used to make your wife better that are making the rest of you sick. She may have had the basis for her behavior in place prior to the cancer, and the drugs were just a trigger to release that behavior in full bloom.

 

I wish there was more I could do to help you and yours, but for now, prayers will have to suffice.

[Muleshoe Bill SASS #67022]

This is probably not best put out in public, but since it has been opened here, without your asking I will offer this. "Till death do us part", that line is something which is open for some interpretation. In marriage, death can both physical and emotional. Death of love is in some ways more terrible than physical. From your posting and past ones, I have a sense that with or without the cancer issue, your marriage is not healthy. I will pose one very real issue based on personal experience. Beware the wife getting the phone to call the police to tell them you "assaulted" her. Most police departments consider domestic abuse, must "arrest" situations. That has some very real implications in many areas of your life. It could affect child custody, it could affect job, it could affect gun ownership. In these argument flurries you talk of, you need to stay across the room, keep your hands in your pants pockets and never raise your voice. Lower your voice, this accomplishes two very important things: it makes the other person sound like the aggressor. Secondly, If they even take the moment to listen, they have to stop vocalizing to hear what you say. You can not win an argument with your wife. The things you have written indicate she is not looking for resolution of problems. I have no answers, I only see your side of the tale. I am not saying it is wrong, just that there could be to an impartial observer, other things that degrade the interpersonal issues between you and your wife, which both of you are not seeing. I highly recommend you buy a mini recorder and keep it in a pocket (remember I mentioned keep your hands in your pants pocket) and record the "discussions" in the future with your wife. Do not tell her you are doing this, this is for YOUR protection. Be very careful, be very aware that your wife has her agenda and her direction in this, which appear to be directed to your detriment.

[Trigger Mike]

good point from all. we can divorce, just not remarry unless she cheated which is highly unlikely, but the children and peace are important.

[J. Mark Flint #31954 LIFE]

If you divorce, nothing good can come of the online public discussions. I will keep you and your family in my daily reflections

[Hurricane Deck 100366]

Trigger, you need to read, then re-read then re-re-read what J. Mark Flint has written.

 

I understand the need to find solace amongst friends, but a public forum isn't the appropriate place to do it. Perhaps some individual crisis counseling is in order for you. Perhaps it's time for some damage control for your own person.

[Trigger Mike]

i agree and will be silent. we have a counselor but he pointed out we are in a toxic relationship so time will tell. thanks all

[ShadowCatcher]

There comes a time where personal survival must take precedence. I think you will be better served by extracting yourself from a destructive environment, and regain some tranquility and perspective. It will also matter to your children, who need to see that there should be boundaries even between married people. Being abused, physically or emotionally, is unacceptable, and you should establish through your own actions that you will not tolerate it. Your children need to see this from at least one parent if they are to learn it.

 

You will also be best served by speaking with your minister or spiritual guides, as well as a lawyer. If her emotional state is such that she can potentially harm herself or others, that needs to be handled via appropriate legal methods. You have an obligation to your children's well being if there is potential risk here.

 

The Spanish have a proverb; Better to be alone than in bad company. I think you can see the truth of this one.

 

I'll keep you. In my prayers, God bless.

 

SC