Trigger Mike Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 after her packing her bags and me talking her into staying I have come to the point where I can't stand to see her or be near her. She still has problems treating the cancer as the dr cancelled instead of suspended the chemo as the test came back she can not take it. CT scan seemed ok according to the nurse on the phone. meanwhile i don't even want to look at her and yesterday she tried again to pick a fight and said we destroyed our marriage and no one cares, I asked her, "so you don't care" and she said she hoped she could get a reaction out of me and the fact that i did not meant that I don't care. told her I am tired. She asked, "what do you do to get tired?" told her after 4 months of nearly daily fighting I am tired and will not fight any more. I prefer silence to the constant fighting. Many days it was nearly all day and many times past 1:30 AM. Since I am a preacher and in our religion the only scriptural reason we can divorce is if the other party cheats, or if we do divorce for other reasons we can not remarry, I am stuck as I really enjoy preaching and being a pastor. That time in the pulpit is the time I can get above everything else and focus on things that are better. I will stand by her thru her treatments as I promised nearly 29 years ago. But right now I no longer love her as a husband. I even feel relieved saying so here. After she is done I don't know what we will do. I predict a miserable life ahead but oh well.
Aunt Jen Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Hello Mike, I can't give advice; only opinions. But I do also believe that--if this makes any sense--how we feel colors how we feel, through thick and thin. When you are tired--both of you--when you are going through the "thin" part, when you are exhausted, you may also feel down about other things. Not just you, but her, too. It may be hard to feel at this time, and I do not know your heart or hers, but later, when things are different, you may then feel very differently than you do, now--so other things in your life may feel differently, then, as well. From a forward place, looking back on these thin times. I pray for God's blessings upon both of you--now, through these difficult times, and always.
Trigger Mike Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 that does make sense Jen. I have repeatedly told her to not make any major decisions until the cancer treatments are done for that very reason. it clouds your judgment. I totally agree.
Allie Mo, SASS No. 25217 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Dear Mike, I can feel the pain in your words. I am sorry to hear how much you both are suffering. Sincerely, Allie
Duffield, SASS #23454 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 When the pain gets too great, we go into shock. That protects us from more pain than we can stand. It sounds like your brain has gone into shock because of all the emotional pain. Brother, I have walked every inch of that road. The road does end eventually, it just seems like it won't. My prayers are that when the pain subsides, and you come out of shock that you and your wife will be able to put this behind you like the bad dream it is, and resume a life of love and caring. Duffield
Aunt Jen Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I agree all. A lot of people get down during times of severe stress like this. I'd think it likely that your doctors (both yours and hers) have a lot of experience with people whose lives go through upheavals under this kind of pressure, and if you both talk with them about all this, they may well have some input that could help.
Birdgun Quail, SASS #63663 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Trigger Mike, For five years I was a facilitator for Divorce Care at my Baptist church. I'm certainly no professional, but we had many participants from all faiths and some were pastors and some pastor's wives. One thing I did learn, not all adultery is sexual. Also, I doubt you have ever preached on this, but the LORD God is divorced. Yes, divorced from Israel, the Northern Kingdom. He certainly understands what you are going through. Jeremiah 3:8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. A reading of Jeremiah 3:1-15, you will see the anguish in the LORD God's heart over His wife, Israel; much the same anguish that those going through difficulties like yourself experience. As best you can, don't loose hope. Life is meant to be lived and shared with love. Prayers up for you and your wife. God bless, Birdgun
The O'Meara Himself Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 "Too long a sacrifice makes a stone of the heart." The O'Meara Himself
Cheyenne Culpepper 32827 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 the best I can offer is to have you read "footsteps in the sand".
Henry T Harrison Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 You have my prayers for healing and peace.
J-BAR #18287 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I'm not convinced that person gains anything by making or allowing himself to be miserable. Any religion that requires adherence to a principle that makes you miserable is a skewed religion, again in my opinion. One can choose happiness, or if not happiness, at least to ease one's pain. A lot of people and religions would call that being selfish. I call it survival. Only you can judge when enough is enough. You cannot control everything, but you have choices from this point on. Frequently religious people are expected to sacrifice themselves for their loved ones and their principles. In my opinion, that sacrifice is only meaningful if it is done joyfully. Sacrificing one's self for another out of a feeling of obligation, or following a rule, or because other people expect it, is the worst reason I can think of to deny your own shot at happiness. So I'm sorry you are miserable, and I'm sorry she is sick and miserable, but I figure you have the right to make a decision in your situation without anyone else second guessing you. And if you decide you have had enough, you won't get any criticism from me. Good luck, Pard.
guitar_slinger Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 tm check pm GS. Your inbox appears to be full it is not accepting new messages. Let's say I will be praying for you. If you want to reach out to a brother who's not going to pull any punches get in touch. GS
Wolfgang, SASS #53480 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Prayers . . . hang in there . . . just a day at a time. . . . .
Tascosa, SASS# 24838 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 One day at a time, one step at a time, and pray for the strength to see it through and find happiness. Y'all are in our prayers.
Trigger Mike Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 GS that was good. I am dwelling on that. Thanks. I needed that
DocWard Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Mike, I don't have any wisdom beyond that which has already been spoken. I can only say that I wish that the healing for both of you, physically, mentally and emotionally, is successful and complete. You may not be suffering the physical effects of cancer, but I am confident that there are physical effects you are experiencing as a result of this. The mental and emotional aspects speak for themselves. I don't, and can't, know your situation, but perhaps some time apart, if feasible, would help. If it only helped one of you, it would be a good thing. A few days away, putting minds elsewhere, can sometimes do wonders. I will continue keeping you in my thoughts and meditations.
Trigger Mike Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 Docward, you are right many well written things have been said here. Perhaps my posting them will help those who are silent but enduring the same things or similar. On days she is physically doing well I take the smaller children somewhere and on days like today where she is extremely well physically and better emotionally I will find something to do, like visit sick folks or just find something to do away from home. That helps some on those days. On days she is irate even that does not help. I will add that some of this she did before cancer she just has gotten worse since then. I ignored it before but it is harder now. I will add that I have my share of faults in this as how i react sometimes elevates her further. I am not innocent but have not been mean to her and just let her hurt my feelings when she would slap my hand away when catching her from falling. She was raised by an old maid who always refused help and has turned into the same. I fear a separation may just make it worse and will be hard to explain to the children. One reason is when she got the stomach virus this week that is contagious with vomiting and diarrhea that my oldest had first I put the daughter in her loses room and my wife in hers and I slept on the couch and after a couple of nights there became accustomed to the peace and quiet and had a hard time getting back in my own bed so a prolonged separation might become permanent. I did go back mainly because i worried how she would perceive it if I did not go back and what trouble it would bring and because it seemed silly not to. It is my bed too and more comfortable.
Capt. R. Hugh Kidnme Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 If you worry, don't pray If your pray, don't worry
Noz Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 It sounds silly and simplistic but get to a cowboy shoot. It's the best therapy I know. It would give you a few hours break.
Trigger Mike Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 sadly i moved two hours away from the nearest cowboy match, but have thought that often. i was near 4 places and moved to get away from traffic
guitar_slinger Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 GS that was good. I am dwelling on that. Thanks. I needed that TM, Thanks, Brother. Sincerely meant in a spirit of love. Not a mean spirited thought in it at all. Praying for you, your wife and the situation. GS.
Matthew Duncan Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Draw a triangle. At the top of the triangle write God Bottom left write husband, bottom right wife. As the husband and wife strive towards a closer relationship with God, their relationship with each other also draws them closer to each other. But when one or both spouses relationship with God suffers, their relationship with each other will suffer too.
Seldom Seen #16162 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Since I am a preacher and in our religion the only scriptural reason we can divorce is if the other party cheats, or if we do divorce for other reasons we can not remarry, I am stuck as I really enjoy preaching and being a pastor. I predict a miserable life ahead but oh well. I understand your position about divorce not being a option but I don't understand your last comment that "I predict a miserable life ahead but oh well." Is there some reason why you can't separate, move out and go onto live separate lives? Of course you both will have to work out things such as taking care of the children, getting them to school, visitation, etc. I know of couples whose relationship improved and they became friends after separating. Consider the effect this is having on your children seeing Mom and Dad constantly fighting, Dad sleeping on the sofa and how it will affect their view on marriage.
Trigger Mike Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 my 9 year old asked me today why mom was mad, hard to know what to tell him. my 11 year old daughter likes to chime in and quote her mom so I keep telling her to stay out of it and tell my wife we don't need to argue in front of them so we go outside but they kids still know and still hear. we waste so much time arguing. yesterday she says to me "you never hug me or kiss me" told her lots of times i tried but she refused me and ran from me, hugged her again, she ut one hand on my side but never hugged me and kept her head down to avoid the kiss. today the dr restarted chemo at a lower dose, not wanting to stop and so this afternoon she reached for my head and held it for while, so i did the same. if we can't make it work we will try to keep sharing the same bed to avoid confusing the children for as long as we can or until we come around.
Utah Bob #35998 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I think maybe you need to talk to a fellow cleric or professional counselor. Other than offer sympathy, there is very little we can do in this forum to assist you.
Widder, SASS #59054 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I think maybe you need to talk to a fellow cleric or professional counselor. Other than offer sympathy, there is very little we can do in this forum to assist you. I agree! ..........Widder
Trigger Mike Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 I agree Utah as well and have reached out to my former pastor whose wife also did him that way but since here is anonymous to the outside world I come here to vent and reflect upon what is written. If I do not vent somewhere I will bust it seems sometimes. most that I reach out to just say hang in there, the same as here so no real solutions appear. since she restarted chemo it will hopefully give her more time to reflect on how she is acting and change her course
Utah Bob #35998 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I understand. Just remember this is a public forum that anyone can read and thus, not exactly anonymous..
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