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cancer again


Trigger Mike

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Did some of those who had cancer or a spouse that had cancer ever get to where nothing the other souse did was right? Mine tells me she does not like talking about her cancer and snipes at me sometimes when I do and told me she did not enjoy our night out together because we talked about cancer and marriage problems. I responded by telling her that I would not talk about her cancer or my feelings any more to which she replied that she was not going to live in a marriage like that where her husband did not talk about anything and I might as well get an attorney and file for separation. I'm sorry but I just don't get the leap to that point after 28 years and I never said I would never talk about anything, just those things. seems so frivolous to throw away a good marriage like that so easily.

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Sure - seek PROFESSIONAL HELP.

Doctor and/or minister - you guys need HELP.

She is very frustrated and scared and lashing out at you because you are available.

Don't take it personally.

I will say a little prayer for you both this evening.

 

Boneyard (a 2 time cancer survivor)

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What other cowboys have said, talk with her doc. I suspect meds talking and some normal grieving process going on here. My wife does mammography screenings (women's breast cancer xrays). Lots of denial going on as well as grieving and other emotions, hormones, medications and the like.

 

Fact of the matter is she needs you now more than ever before. Maybe she's always been the caregiver in your relationship and doesn't really know how to receive care. Maybe she's just some how preparing herself and you for her to not be around.

 

Whatever the reasons, if you've had a good marriage for 28 years, this is the disease talking.

 

Minister, doc, or your doctor. Perhaps you can get someone with professional experience to give you some clues on what she needs to hear and how you can best help her.

 

Wish I had the magic answer for you but I don't and likely nobody will have a magic word.

 

I will pray for you both. Hang in there.

 

GS.

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the part about not wanting to receive care is part of it. Several from the church come over and she appreciates the help but resents it too. The house is cleaner than it has ever been due to a church member coming each week and she is glad but sees the difference and it bothers her. fear is a main driver lately for her. she has doctor appt coming to start the next round so I will go with her and also I see my doctor who is also her general doctor in a few days and will mention it to him.

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I will give you a bit of insight from someone with cancer.

I do not like talking about my cancer because talking about it does not cure it. If there is a new treatment I will talk to my doctor about it and then maybe the wife. My cancer has gone and come back at least 4 times so far. She only needs to know that I am trying. As far as people helping. I hate asking for help as it makes feel useless at times. I did finally admit I need help sometimes and do let people help when I need it. As far as marriage problems you would need to get help for both of you.

My cancer is back again and also my heart has been slowly failing to where it is now only working at 30%. That has me needing help with fixing simple things I used to do all day. My wife is understanding and tries to make things as easy for me to do as possible without trying to make me feel useless.

My biggest problem I am fighting with right now is that even thought I just started CAS a couple years ago I don't feel I can do it any longer. So I am fighting the thought of selling my entire CAS outfit as a package. I have no life insurance or savings left so will need to do this to help with final exspenses.

Anyway, to get back on the subject. Look at everything going on in your wifes life and just try to make some of it easier for her without making her feel useless. And when she has a good day let her enjoy it doing something she hasn't in awhile.

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I forgot to mention. Her telling you to get a separation is because she is pushing you away. She does not want you to remember her with pity but as she she was before she gets worse. She needs to talk with others who have gone through the rough times and realize you only want to help because you love her.

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the part about not wanting to receive care is part of it. Several from the church come over and she appreciates the help but resents it too. The house is cleaner than it has ever been due to a church member coming each week and she is glad but sees the difference and it bothers her. fear is a main driver lately for her. she has doctor appt coming to start the next round so I will go with her and also I see my doctor who is also her general doctor in a few days and will mention it to him.

I would be on the phone NOW, to the Doc :excl:

Longer you wait-The more there is to 'fix'---

OLG

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Ok - I said a prayer last night for you both - and I'll continue to pray.

I forgot to mention in my prior post - the value of a support group.

She will feel much better talking to others who have "travelled the trip".

Perhaps your community has a "Cancer Survivors Support Group" - or a

call to the local ACS office would provide such a contact for you both.

Best wishes - and prayers up.

 

Boneyard Bill (2 time cancer survivor)

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