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Let the Blarney begin!. Post your Irish jokes, songs, etc here


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Well ........ okaaaaaayy..... Here goes.....

 

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"

 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church by me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won first prize at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She replied, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised! You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep. And now that you mention it, Sean O’Malley,” she added with a wink, “it would do you no harm for you to visit there once in a while yourself.”

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Well ........ okaaaaaayy..... Here goes.....

 

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"

 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church by me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won first prize at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She replied, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised! You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep. And now that you mention it, Sean O’Malley,” she added with a wink, “it would do you no harm for you to visit there once in a while yourself.”

Now that's funny!

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One fine mornin' a small man climbed aboard a bus in Belfast. On his way to work, he was.

 

He tipped his hat to the driver, spoke his "good mornin' to ya, sor", and dropped his coin in the box as the bus started on its way.

 

As he made his way back to a seat he noted that he was the only passenger on the bus. Never a bit concerned was he as he placed his lunch pail on the seat and balanced his hat atop it, sat himself down, and opened his mornin' newspaper.

 

No more had he opened the paper than the bus slowed to a stop and a man got aboard. Our small man, as most will do under the circumstances, glanced to see who had boarded the bus and was horrified to see a man all dressed in black. He wore black boots and black trousers, black shirt and black jacket, black gloves and black Balaclava, and was carrying a black submachine gun.

 

Our little man ducked back behind his morning news and tried to make himself invisible, but the man in black sat down in the seat directly ahead of him. A second later the gun's muzzle appeared above his paper and slowly pushed it down until the empty black mouth of the gun barrel was pointed directly at the little man's face.

 

Paralyzed with fear our small man barely heard the harsh voice from inside the mask ask, "Are ya a Catholic er are ya a Protestant?"

 

Terror rushed through the man's mind as he thought that there was certain and immediate death awaiting his answer. If he said he was a Catholic and the gunman was a Protestant, the gun would blaze into his face, yet if he proclaimed himself a Protestant and the gunman were a Catholic, his would also die.

 

In a blistering wee part of a second all of this raced through his mind and an equally brief bit of time a solution came to him.

 

He choked out an an answer. "Sor, as it happens, I'm neither Catholic nor a Protestant, sor. I'm a Jew."

 

The black clad man jerked back and said in a gravelly voice, "A Jew? A Jew! You don't say so!"

 

"Sure, sor, an'I do say so, sor. I'm a Jew."

 

"A Jew, you tell me" the gunman laughed. "An sure, that must make me the luckiest Palestinian in all of Noorthern Oirland, then."

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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two

 

 

One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Sean promised the misses he would give up the drink during lent. Good Friday he was heading home from work, takes the 5:45 from Galway to Cong. He gets the train station only to see that his train will be delayed bu two hours (that happens in Ireland ya know) Sean's standing around and looks over a O'Brians pub, hears the laughter and craic coming from the door he decided to walk in and just say hello.

 

Clancy the owners looks at Sean and says "why lad where ya been? I almost went under without ya commin in here for a few drams on your way home" Sean explains he gave it it for lent and said he was killing time before his train left.

 

Well now, temptation got the best of him and thought well, Easter is only two days away and my train is late, why not have a dram of Irish and Pint? Being out of practice, after 3 shots and 5 pints he was feeling queasy and puked all over his shirt.

 

Sean said "Clancy I'm in trouble fer sure, look at me shirt, when Maggie finds out she's gonna kill me" Clancy replied "not to worry lad, take this 5 pound note and place it your pocket, tell Maggie that you was walking past the pub and a drunk come out and threw up on your shirt and gave a you a 5 pound note to have it cleaned"

 

Sean said "ah that's a grand idea, better give me another dram of the Irish and a pint to get the taste from me mouth". Sean staggers on his train and gets off at his stop in Cong (2 hours late) wouldn't ya know it, on the walk home he passes, McCarthy's pub and stops in just for one to get dry out of his mouth. Same as before Paddy pours him a few and now he good and "shined up"

 

Well now, Sean leaves the pub and now staggers home (6 hours late), as he gets to the front door, Maggie is standing there, hands on hips and says "Sean, just look at you, your soused and you got sick on your shirt, and you promised me you wouldn't drink for lent. what have ya to say for yurself?" Sean started to un button his shirt and tossed it to Maggie and said "its not what you think Lass, me train was late and I was walking past McCarthy's and a drunk staggered out and threw up all over me shirt, he gave me a 5 pound note in the pocket to have it cleaned"

 

Maggie puts her fingers in the shirt pocket and says "Sean there's TWO 5 pound notes in this pocket" Sean replied "oh yeah I forgot to mention, he also shit me pants!!!"

 

Slainte!!!!

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A true Irishman can never be drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep falling of the face of the earth!!!

 

After a coupla drinks or three I hereby challenge anyone in the Saloon to rapidly repeat this gentlemans handle three times without screwin up!!!!!! :wacko::)

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The Irish Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at
a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The burial
was to be at cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first
to be laid to rest there.

He was not familiar with the backwoods area
and, being a typical man, did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an
hour late, saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and
stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in
place.

He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long but
this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their
lunch. He played out his heart and soul.

As he played the workers began
to weep. He played and played like he'd ever played before, from Going Home and
The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest , closing the session with
Amazing Grace, and walked to his car.

As he opened the door and took off
his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Mary'n
Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.


The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.


"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."


"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."


"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."


"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.


"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

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Sure, I want to send this to the biggest drunk amongst us. (Aye, try to figger THAT one out!)

 

The winner after heated competition...........Apache Hawk!

 

Lads and lassies, Seven Drunken Nights

 

Slainte!

JHC

 

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After a coupla drinks or three I hereby challenge anyone in the Saloon to rapidly repeat this gentlemans handle three times without screwin up!!!!!! :wacko::)

 

Are you crazy?? I can't say it once without screwing up stone cold sober!!!

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Try this one a buddy of mine used to say (very rapidly I might add) :blink:

 

I am a pheasant plucker.

I pluck mother pheasants.

I'm the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker

That ever plucked a mother pheasant.

 

JHC

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Best Irish Joke in a long Time !!!


















Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Damn,

'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.




He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.


 


 

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Bodhran - An Irish drum played with a 2 ended stick that people like to make fun of.

 

A man walks into the Balfast pub with a carefully held paper package under his arm and orders up a pint. The bartender pours it and looks at the mans paper sack nervously. This is Belfast after all. As the man gets up to leave the bartender asks what was in the bag. The man answers ' 5 pounds of Semtex'. The bartender wipes his brow and says 'Thank heavens, I thought it was a bodhran.

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I wish you not a path devoid of clouds,
Nor a life on a bed or roses.
Nor, that you might never need regret,
Nor that you should never feel pain.


No, this is not my wish for you. My wish for you is:
That you might be brave in times of trial
When other’s lay crosses upon your shoulders.
When mountains must be climbed and chasms crossed,
When hope scarce shines through.
When every gift God gave you might grow along with you,
And let you give the gift of joy to all who care for you.


That you might always have a friend who is worth that name.
Whom you can trust.
And hope will be, in times of sadness,
Who will defy the storms of life by your side.


One more wish for you:
That in every hour of joy and pain, you may be close to God.
This is my wish for you and those who are close to you.
This is my hope for you, now and forever.

 

 

Coffee

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