Trigger Mike Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 My mom says the VA hospital says my dad should go to a nursing home. He has had so many heart surgeries and medications and family history that he has dementia. He was fine other than his kidney pills running out and now so the VA hospital demanded he come there and then they demanded he have more stents put in and now he needs a walker and can't control himself. My mom was never one good at watching her spending. They tell her the nursing home will be free, as part of his VA disability benefits for Vietnam. 1. Is that true? 2. Will his monthly disability payment be required to be used to pay for the nursing home? 3. The VA demanded he have the stint put in or they would cancel his monthly benefits and refused to let him go home, is that normal and right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apache Hawk 60642 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 My mom says the VA hospital says my dad should go to a nursing home. He has had so many heart surgeries and medications and family history that he has dementia. He was fine other than his kidney pills running out and now so the VA hospital demanded he come there and then they demanded he have more stents put in and now he needs a walker and can't control himself. My mom was never one good at watching her spending. They tell her the nursing home will be free, as part of his VA disability benefits for Vietnam. 1. Is that true? 2. Will his monthly disability payment be required to be used to pay for the nursing home? 3. The VA demanded he have the stint put in or they would cancel his monthly benefits and refused to let him go home, is that normal and right? Well , I'm a Nam Vet, and a Desert Storm Vet as well. The wife say I'll stay round her till she physically can't do it no more, then and only then will she put me in a home. All I can say to her is.....DAMN IT WOMAN ! I don't think the VA can cancel anything because of his service, but I maybe wrong here. His monthly disability payment be used to pay for his his nursing home care ? Most likely. But it is true the VA Home is free, but I don't think I would put my horse there to die from what I've seen personal treat vets staying there. Bob......chime in here, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONEYARD BILL, SASS #39,030 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 hmmmm - I think the VA will pay 100% of his nursing home costs - as long as he is 100% disabled from service connected issues. But - I sure am not an expert either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trigger Mike Posted March 5, 2013 Author Share Posted March 5, 2013 I think if she loves him she should keep him at home and told my wife if she does that to me to not be home when I get there after escaping. I am trying to find the argument she will understand to keep my dad away from the nursing home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grizzly Dave Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Mike - Very tough situation. On the one hand, you don't want your dad in the nursing home, and I can understand that. On the other hand, caring for someone with dementia and other health problems at home is very physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing. I would make an appointment with the administrator of the VA hospital and meet with them to find out the story first hand. Many things get forgotten, skewed, and distorted when you hear things second hand. Not on purpose necessarily, but that is the reality of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forty Rod SASS 3935 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 My mother was in a nursing home for the last three years of her life, finally dying of Alzheimer's. Even with that care it almost destroyed my sister's health, sanity, and marriage. Do what's best for the living if your dad is beyond reasonable help at home and has no idea what is going on anyway. Even then it will be a long, hard road and you will suffer a LOT of undeserved guilt. You have my sympathies and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caliope Cupcake #13981 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 my parents are both Korean War Vets and go to the VA Medical Center in Long Beach and for doctor visits and prescriptions. Dad has maintained extra insurance with Aetna for any years and It has saved them through some difficult times. They are 84 and this is a concern for me as well. I looked up some sites that have info. http://www.va.gov/healthbenefits/ Do VA benefits cover nursing homecare? http://www.veteranaid.org/ ebenefits.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/387/~/do... List of State Veterans Nursing Homes -VA Aid & Attendance www.longtermcarelink.net/ref_state_veterans_va_nursing_... Benefits.gov - VA - Health Care -Nursing Home Care www.benefits.gov/benefits/benefit-details/304 http://www.alexa.com/search?q=nursing+home+insurance&r=site_siteinfo&p=bigtop http://www.topveterancare.com A Little-Known Benefit for AgingVeterans - NYTimes.com newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/19/few-know-of-bene... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bama Red Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 By all means, talk to the hospital admin. But also see if your local VFW or American Legion has a Vets Rep. They're independent of the VA and only have your dad's interests to represent. Prayers for you and yours, Pard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russ T. Sites Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 I think if she loves him she should keep him at home and told my wife if she does that to me to not be home when I get there after escaping. I am trying to find the argument she will understand to keep my dad away from the nursing home Maybe make a surprise visit to the va home and take a look around Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trigger Mike Posted March 5, 2013 Author Share Posted March 5, 2013 my parents are both Korean War Vets and go to the VA Medical Center in Long Beach and for doctor visits and prescriptions. Dad has maintained extra insurance with Aetna for any years and It has saved them through some difficult times. They are 84 and this is a concern for me as well. I looked up some sites that have info. http://www.va.gov/healthbenefits/ Do VA benefits cover nursing homecare? http://www.veteranaid.org/ ebenefits.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/387/~/do... List of State Veterans Nursing Homes -VA Aid & Attendance www.longtermcarelink.net/ref_state_veterans_va_nursing_... Benefits.gov - VA - Health Care -Nursing Home Care www.benefits.gov/benefits/benefit-details/304 http://www.alexa.com/search?q=nursing+home+insurance&r=site_siteinfo&p=bigtop http://www.topveterancare.com A Little-Known Benefit for AgingVeterans - NYTimes.com newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/19/few-know-of-bene... These are good links. It seems to tell me they will not use his monthly disability check to pay the nursing home bill. It just really bothers me that while he had memory problems before he went to the VA hospital last week, you could carry a decent conversation with him, and now a few days later he needs a walker or wheel chair and thinks he is at work in the attic or is at church and occassionally realizes he is in a hospital. He only went there because the VA takes over a week to get him his prescription and since he ran out his kidneys stopped functioning and next thing you know the VA won't release him and insist he have more stints put in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seldom Seen #16162 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 I think if she loves him she should keep him at home and told my wife if she does that to me to not be home when I get there after escaping. I am trying to find the argument she will understand to keep my dad away from the nursing home I have started to reply several times but keep deleting my post as I am afraid of giving the impression of being uncaring and cold. One of the hardest things in life to deal with is watching your parents grow old and slowly slip away to die. I lost my mother after a long battle with cancer with the last three months of her life spent in a hospital. However I feel that we were more fortunate than watching my 82 yoa father-in-law continue to slowly slip away physically and mentally (dementia?) and my 78 yoa mother-in-law deal with several heart attacks. It seems all the sudden my robust, active Father-in-Law who was decorated for saving the lives of his crew and B-29 bomber when it was hit by flak over North Korea with one engine on fire has gone overnight to spending his days in a Lazyboy chair with the TV remote control but it is something that is very hard to admit has happened. The reality is neither one of them will get along without the other. Worse my father-in-law would be too combative to stay in a nursing home and he is too big of a person for my Mother to handle alone, such as getting him up. So we have started working up plans on remodeling our home or moving to a home with a different floor plan to take one or both of them into our home. Frankly it is a bit overwhelming. As someone that loves your parents as much as we do for my wife's parents I would urge you to consider your mother needs. Your Father will recieve 24/7 skilled nursing care and given his dementia may do better in a structured living environment. Although your mother may not admit it (at least at first) she would be relieved of the burden of being the sole caregiver of your Dad. Have you considered having your mother move in with yourself or another relative (unfortunately we don't have this option)? This would help set your mind at ease on how she will be cared for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trigger Mike Posted March 5, 2013 Author Share Posted March 5, 2013 I have started to reply several times but keep deleting my post as I am afraid of giving the impression of being uncaring and cold. One of the hardest things in life to deal with is watching your parents grow old and slowly slip away to die. I lost my mother after a long battle with cancer with the last three months of her life spent in a hospital. However I feel that we were more fortunate than watching my 82 yoa father-in-law continue to slowly slip away physically and mentally (dementia?) and my 78 yoa mother-in-law deal with several heart attacks. It seems all the sudden my robust, active Father-in-Law who was decorated for saving the lives of his crew and B-29 bomber when it was hit by flak over North Korea with one engine on fire has gone overnight to spending his days in a Lazyboy chair with the TV remote control but it is something that is very hard to admit has happened. The reality is neither one of them will get along without the other. Worse my father-in-law would be too combative to stay in a nursing home and he is too big of a person for my Mother to handle alone, such as getting him up. So we have started working up plans on remodeling our home or moving to a home with a different floor plan to take one or both of them into our home. Frankly it is a bit overwhelming. As someone that loves your parents as much as we do for my wife's parents I would urge you to consider your mother needs. Your Father will recieve 24/7 skilled nursing care and given his dementia may do better in a structured living environment. Although your mother may not admit it (at least at first) she would be relieved of the burden of being the sole caregiver of your Dad. Have you considered having your mother move in with yourself or another relative (unfortunately we don't have this option)? This would help set your mind at ease on how she will be cared for. You may be right about time to relieve her of the stress of caring for him. My main reason against it is her reason against keeping him home. She says she can handle the dementia, she just can't handle the bathroom problem. I am sure I would not want to clean up after an adult and really hesitate at changing my own kids diapers sometimes, but I know I once volunteered to help my wife in that way when she had surgery and was laid up. I doubt I'd want to do it for long. We have thought of my mom moving here, but for some reason it is not a good mix with our children. They love her, but she clashes with my oldest girl as both try to be in charge, when it is really my wife who is in charge. Truth be known, her and I don't get along for long for the same reason. In my home I set the rules and I am in charge, and she interferes with that. It did not help that when I left home at 17 she told my siblings I left because I was strung out on drugs though I had not even tried them. My dad was always hard, but he was always honest. Looking back I do not mind the hardness since I always knew where he stood, which was no matter what I did, it'd be wrong. I have a lot of respect for him still. He served in Vietnam with the 9th division and was once a drill sergeant and raised me that way, including inspecting my closet and once he found a pair of pants hung without the seams lined up on the hanger, he would take down every stitch of clothes hanging in the closet and tell me to redo it. By the time I hit basic training, I just smiled my way throught it. It was no where near as hard as it was growing up. My drill sergeants had nothing on him. I wish his mind was better and we could sit and talk but alas, it is what it is. One memory of him though is that he would never take me hunting as a kid as he said he was afraid I'd shoot him, but after the army we did go a couple of times and I enjoyed it. Once we were sitting on a field and I fell asleep and I awoke to the sound of gunfire coming in my direction and looked and a deer had just passed between us and he waited until it was past me and hit it. At first I was nervous he was aiming at me but then saw the deer fall instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noz Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Not all VA homes are the same. Many times the people complaining are folks that don't want to be anywhere but home. Can't say as I blame them but they spoil the reputation of a pretty good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 TM, very sorry you are enduring this, but we all face it one day. CC and Bama gave you good links and advice. I can't help more than that, because we always had nursing take care of that aspect of health care. Good luck to you, pard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chili Pepper Kid, SASS #60463 Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 My mom says the VA hospital says my dad should go to a nursing home. He has had so many heart surgeries and medications and family history that he has dementia. He was fine other than his kidney pills running out and now so the VA hospital demanded he come there and then they demanded he have more stents put in and now he needs a walker and can't control himself. My mom was never one good at watching her spending. They tell her the nursing home will be free, as part of his VA disability benefits for Vietnam. 1. Is that true? Yes, if your Dad is greater than 70% service connected he will qualify for placement in a nursing home under VA contract. This different than a state veterans home. The nursing homes we contract with in Central Iowa are all very good places. My uncle Chuck stayed at one for two yrs until he passed away from a long battle with Parkinson's. They took wonderful care of him. 2. Will his monthly disability payment be required to be used to pay for the nursing home? No 3. The VA demanded he have the stint put in or they would cancel his monthly benefits and refused to let him go home, is that normal and right? This does not sound right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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